My wife caught me wearing her underwear – and the shame is eating me up

The Guardian

16-05-2025

I'm in my early 60s and have been happily married for more than 25 years. I've come to accept that I'm bisexual but haven't told anyone. About two years ago my wife found me wearing a pair of her black lace panties, something I do sometimes as it turns me on. She was angry and suggested I needed therapy to 'understand why you do that'. The comment was humiliating and made me feel ashamed. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to her about it, but she just says she can't bear to think of me like that and refuses to discuss it. It's eating me up.
Enjoying wearing women's underwear does not make you bisexual, but perhaps you also have erotic feelings towards both men and women? Either way, it might be helpful for you to discuss your sexual self with a sexuality therapist because you do not deserve to feel ashamed and humiliated.
An erotic interest in wearing women's clothing is relatively common among heterosexual men. Some find it very soothing, and the desire often starts in childhood or during teenage years. But female partners of men who like to cross-dress are often shocked and bewildered when they become aware of this interest – largely based on a lack of understanding and fears about what it means in the context of their relationship.
When your wife said you needed to understand why you do this, she really meant that she needed to understand. I hope you can eventually help her with that.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [e-mail] (please don't send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.