The 3 Stages Of 'Teen Separation', According To A Psychologist
In a video shared on TikTok, Dr Lucie Hemmen said 'one of the most triggering things about teenagers is their separation process' from their parents, which often happens in a handful of stages (more on that in a moment).
First of all, why do teens distance themselves from their parents?
Adolescence occurs between the ages of 10 to 19 – it's the period between childhood and adulthood where tweens and teens experience 'rapid physical, cognitive and psychosocial growth', according to the World Health Organisation (WHO).
As part of this, teens can begin pushing away from their parents, which adolescent therapist Ashley Hudson said is part of a typical developmental process.
'Teenagers want and subconsciously push for independence. Their biological clock ticks inside of them saying, 'Hey! You've got to figure out this adulting thing, because you are going to be on your own soon',' she explained.
This might mean your teen is pushing back on boundaries, engaging in risky behaviours or simply spending more time with friends or romantic interests.
This period is all about finding out who they are as a person outside of the family unit – and for parents, it's tough. The child you have nurtured and who might've idolised you for years all of a sudden doesn't want to know.
What are the three stages of separation?
Dr Hemmen said the first stage you might notice as your teen begins to pull away is disagreements. 'So a lot of times when a kid turns 13 or 14, their parent says: 'Oh my god, everything is an argument',' she explained.
During arguments, the key advice for parents is to try and stay calm – as parental aggression is likely to be mirrored with teen aggression.
The NHS advises ensuring your body language reflects your willingness to listen, and to give your teenager personal space during an argument. If things get very heated, don't be afraid to take time out. Explain you are going for a walk and will come back again in half an hour.
The second stage of teen separation, added Dr Hemmen, is withdrawal.
'They often spend more time in their rooms because they're really craving independence,' she explained. This might also look like spending more time with friends.
Again, teens withdrawing is a normal part of their emotional development – they're going off on their own, forming 'their own opinions, identity and values', according to psychologist Dr John Townsend.
When this begins to happen, coaching site Reach Out urges parents not to take it personally – instead, keep an eye on your teen while also giving them the space and time to 'handle their own lives' (easier said than done, we know).
Of course, sometimes withdrawal can be a red flag, which is why it's important for parents to avoid taking their foot completely off the pedal.
If you're worried about your child, don't be afraid to be present, patient and share open-ended and emotionally neutral questions or statements like, 'I've noticed you seem quieter lately. That's totally OK, but I just want you to know I'm here anytime you want to talk'. (You can find more helpful, therapist-approved advice here.)
Lastly, stage number three of teen separation is bending the rules and pushing the limits, according to Dr Hemmen.
'Let's face it, there's a spectrum. Some teenagers do this a little bit, some teenagers do it a lot. Obviously it's very triggering when they go way off road,' said Dr Hemmen.
'But the positive intention in that behaviour for teenagers is to explore the world and to think for themselves – and they often learn a lot about boundaries through crossing them and living with the impact of that.'
Parents of teens are relating hard
In response to the video, one parent wrote: 'I miss my sweet baby boy! Having a teenage boy is like trying to have a relationship with a guy that's not interested.' Their comment clearly resonated with a lot of people, as it had over 400 likes at the time of writing.
Another said: 'I'm in stage 3 and I'm learning to walk a fine line of still parenting and letting my daughter grow up.'
Making space for a teen's autonomy can clearly pay off in the long run though, as one parent commented: 'I learned that when I didn't push back, but openly encouraged and supported their autonomy and normalised and accepted their priorities and values being different than mine, they really matured.'
Hang on in there!
Related...
Therapist Shares 5 Phrases To Use When Teens 'Talk Back'
Martin Lewis Urges Parents Of Teens To Do 1 Thing When They Turn 18
WTF Does 'Crashing Out' Mean When Teens Say It?
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