Help! I Lied About My 'Accidental' Pregnancy for Years. Now the Truth Could Ruin Everything.

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Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we're diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
More than 13 years ago, I got pregnant. At the time, I was finishing school and just beginning my career. My boyfriend 'Ben' and I had been dating seriously for a few years. We had talked about marriage and children but hadn't decided on when that would be. Ben assumed the pregnancy was a birth control failure. I told other people that it was an 'unplanned but welcome surprise.' I never told another person this, but my pregnancy wasn't an accident at all. I stopped taking birth control pills because I wanted to have a child. After I stopped I didn't get pregnant for almost a year and got lulled into a false sense that it was never going to happen.
From the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test, I knew what I had done was a horrible, dishonest, unethical thing and felt terrible guilt and shame. I seriously considered giving our baby up for adoption, but finally decided to raise her. Ben and I split up when our daughter 'Holly' was 3 years old. He and I live in different states and aren't friends, but he is involved in Holly's life and they have a good relationship. I eventually married and so did he. I now have a younger child with my husband. Like everyone else, my husband thinks my getting pregnant with Holly was an accident.
I have spent the last 13 years feeling that maybe I was some kind of pathological monster. But I'm mentally stable, and I have a pretty unremarkable suburban life. I had decided that I would go to my grave never telling anyone what I had done. Recently, a friend became pregnant after a one-night stand. Everyone assumes that was an accident, but she confided in me that she had been seeking out sex with the purpose of getting pregnant. I was so relieved to meet someone else who planned an 'accidental' pregnancy that it made me wonder if I should open up about my secret. But I'm afraid if I told Ben it might change the way he interacted with Holly. My questions are: Am I some kind of monster for getting pregnant on the sly? And should I come clean, and if so, who should know?
—Not an Oops
Dear Not,
Tossing away your birth control pills—while pretending to dutifully swallow them—has obviously had far-reaching consequences for everyone involved. It forced a man to become a father before he was ready and with a woman to whom he ultimately didn't want to commit. It made you confront a dark part of your psyche and turned your cootchie-coo fantasy into hard reality. And, depending on how your daughter understands her story, she may think that her parents never intended to have her. But your act doesn't make you a monster, nor do I think there's any benefit to enlightening everyone now.
Both you and Ben rose to the occasion and neither of you would express regret that you're parents to Holly. Ben has been Holly's father for 13 years; even were he to find out about your trickery I can't imagine he would now look upon his daughter as the demon seed. It would just be one more confirmation that you and he never belonged together. At this late date, however, your coming clean would only cast a shadow over your character. You are deeply remorseful for what sounds like a singular act of substantial deceit. There's nothing to be gained by telling your husband and making him uneasy about your essential honesty. Were you to spill, the person who would perhaps benefit the most psychologically would be Holly. She wasn't an 'oops,' after all! But thinking she was unplanned only makes her like vast swaths of people on the planet. My parents had four oopses—I was the first—and all my siblings would agree that's a trivial fact about us. You and your friend are also hardly the only women to deliberately get pregnant without letting the man in on your plan, as objectionable as that behavior is. As for your friend, since there are other, straightforward ways to find a sperm donor, how sad that she preferred to make an unwitting stranger the father of her child.
—Emily Yoffe
From: Deceptive Conception. (July 3, 2013).
Dear Prudence,
I had my daughter about six months ago. In my circle of friends I'm the only one to have a baby, so needless to say she gets a lot of attention. One friend in particular seems to be a little obsessed with her, and it kind of freaks me and my husband out. She's constantly buying things for her, referring to herself as her godmother (she's not, my sister is, and she knows it). She asks for pictures of her throughout the day to help get her through work, and mentions that while she's looking for a new job she would never relocate because she wants to be near my daughter. And recently when she comes over, she asks if she can wear her in my baby carrier so people will think she's her child! I appreciate that she is so supportive of us, and I know most people find their childless friends grow absent once they have a baby, but this is just a little over the top. My husband and I nervously joke about her stealing her someday. Are we right to feel a little strange about my friend's attention? Or am I just being possessive and overprotective?
— Friend Obsessed With My Baby
Dear Baby,
My immediate response was, 'Time to move, leave no forwarding address, and change all of your names,' so, no, I don't think you're overreacting. I'm hoping your friend's favorite movie is not The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. She's not being supportive, she's being obsessive, and she's giving me the willies. Put a stop to this now. Don't let her drop by, when she says she's the baby's 'godmother' say, 'No, you're not. My sister is.' Refuse to let her wear the baby. Do not send her photos—in fact I think you should put her in one of those Facebook corrals that limits someone to just seeing your profile. You need to take the temperature of this situation and see if you feel comfortable explaining that she's suffocating you right now and she needs to back way off, or whether she's actually somewhat unbalanced and you just want to rapidly and firmly distance yourself. Do not be drawn into whiny conversations or tearful demands. You and your husband are freaked out, so act.
—E. Y.
From: Attack of the Baby Snatcher. (July 09, 2013).
Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I are both grad students and we live together. Over the past year, I have developed a nervous habit of twirling my hair while studying. Since my boyfriend and I often study together, he noticed the habit and told me he didn't like it and that I should stop it. I laughed and said I didn't want to. He was not happy. I admit I do it all the time, even when I'm not studying. It's gotten to the point that my boyfriend will poke me and say, 'Hair twirling!' and if I refuse to stop he will sometimes get mad and storm out of the room. He says it bothers him that I still do it, knowing he hates it. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being too bossy?
—Twisted
Dear Twisted,
Once I had a colleague who was a compulsive hair twirler. A few months after he arrived at the office, I was looking around at a staff meeting and about half of us (including me) had our fingers on our skulls making swirlies out of our hair. So I know that hair-twirling can be pernicious and contagious! It was a distressing sight. You acknowledge this is a new, nervous habit that you now do obsessively. Surely you can understand his perspective that having your partner constantly engage in juvenile-looking behavior is annoying to watch. You do not say that throughout your life you have struggled with other such compulsions. So you need to direct your anxiety into something more productive and less maddening. Get a set of hand weights and when you start to feel you want to twirl, do some reps and build your biceps. Or take a walk, clean out your closet—you get the idea. Read The Power of Habit to understand the principles behind making, and breaking, behaviors. Just think how great it will be when in response to your reform, your boyfriend tames his own growing habit of being bossy.
—E. Y.
From: In Vino Coitus. (Feb. 20, 2019).
Whenever my girlfriend and I go out to eat, I pay for the meal and tip on my credit card. When I tip, I always tip at least 20 percent, but I tip in such a way that the total bill comes out to a whole dollar amount. For example, if the meal was $28.42, I would probably tip $6.58, for a total bill of $35.00. But my girlfriend thinks it is rude to tip those odd change amounts, envisioning waiters with pocketfuls of 'useless change' at the end of their shift. My response is that I am a courteous customer, a good tipper and that any extra money is good for the waiter/waitress. What are your thoughts?
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