Dating in your 50s, 60s and beyond: Here's what a relationship expert wants you to know about mature dating
Looking for love has no age limit. In recent years, the conversation surrounding dating in your 50s, 60s and 70s has moved from the kitchen table to the mainstream, thanks to TV shows like The Golden Bachelorette, starring Joan Vassos and Netflix's The Later Daters produced by former U.S. first lady Michelle Obama. Although reality shows are normalizing mature dating, they merely scratch the surface when it comes to the complexities and challenges many people face in the modern dating landscape.
Kat Kova, a Toronto-based psychotherapist and member of the Sexual Health and Relationships Lab at York University, said shows like the Golden Bachelor and Golden Bachelorette series are a step in the right direction in terms of representing an often-overlooked demographic when it comes to topics like relationships and sex.
'I think when people think about dating, sometimes they think about it as a phenomenon that only occurs in younger people and assume that individuals 55 and over are married or in long-term partnerships,' Kova told Yahoo Canada in a previous interview, adding that people sometimes don't think dating can be a big concern for seniors. 'But that's not the case. Many people are widowed or divorced or just haven't found the right person yet.'
Despite the excitement surrounding the premiere, some people have criticized the show for glamorizing the dating scene for mature singles. In a recent interview with the New York Times, one woman in her 60s described dating as 'the romantic, geriatric Hunger Games' and 'panning for gold in a sewer.' Others said many people are the prime targets for online scams and face ageism on dating apps.Although The Golden Bachelorette definitely gives dating in the modern age the Hollywood treatment, Kova said it's important for mature singles not to be deterred during their search for connection.
Gerry Turner, the first Golden Bachelor contestant, had previously connected with many of the women on his season over the shared experience of grief and the loss of a loved one. Vassos in particular had opened up about losing her husband of 32 years to pancreatic cancer and how difficult milestones like birthdays and celebrations can be after his death. Her husband had told her that he hoped she'd find another partner after he was gone, even though Vassos said she wasn't ready to hear it.
Many people are widowed or divorced or just haven't found the right person yetKat Kova
'It's been three years…,' Vassos wrote about her late husband in January 2024 Instagram post. 'I'd have to name the tallest building in the world to do him justice. Every floor would stand for something kind he did for someone, the good deeds are too many to mention.' She added that her late husband 'always made [her] feel safe and cherished."
Dipping your toe into the dating world after the death of a partner can be difficult and filled with complex emotions, including guilt and shame.
Additionally, people might feel a little disappointed with the level of connection they have with a subsequent partner after being widowed because it might not 'feel as deep.' According to Kova, it's important to recognize that the relationship might need more time to develop. Also, whether you might be widowed or the person you're dating has been widowed, Kova recommended holding space for that loss. 'It's important to still honour the person that's gone.'
Every relationship is different. When entering into a new relationship, it's helpful to reassure yourself that your bond is unique and to try not to devalue your new connection.
'Your situation might look different but every connection we have with someone is unique,' Kova said. 'Try not to compare yourself. And practice gratitude for this new chance at an important and meaningful connection…The grieving process can exist alongside a new connection.'
Still, it's worth being mindful if you think you might have to reach out to a mental health professional if your grief feels like more than you can handle, Kova added.
For mature adults trying to get back into dating, Kova said it's important to keep an open mind in terms of how you meet someone new. 'Don't shy away from online dating,' she said. 'Many people meet their partner that way and if you have difficulty using technology, ask your kids or grandkids to help you create an online dating profile.'
It also helps to familiarize with some red flags to protect yourself from potentially being catfished or lured into a scam on a dating app or social media. Avoid sharing personal information, like your address or banking information online. If you're ever skeptical that someone might be too good to be true, try doing a reverse image search to verify their identity. Be cautious, but have fun — and be sure to protect yourself.
If you're feeling shy or embarrassed about telling your family or friends that you're online dating, remember that the majority of people want to see you succeed and have connections.
Also, staying socially connected in your community or in groups can help you meet other like-minded people. 'People tend to isolate more when they're older, so it's important to work on those connections whether that's in-person, on the phone or online.'
One benefit Kova pointed to for older adults dating is that most people are sure of themselves and what they're looking for, in comparison to dating when you're younger. 'Over time, people become more comfortable in their skin.' She adds that having habits that support you feeling good about yourself can help boost your confidence if that's one of your concerns.
If you're trying to reconnect with your libido and sexual desires, Kova said you might have to access that in a different way than you did before. 'What kind of happens in older years is sexual desire and sexual arousal doesn't happen as instantaneously or as spontaneously as they may have in earlier years,' she said, adding that it might not be true across the board, but is a general trend as you age. 'But that doesn't mean that sex can't be pleasurable or that you can't get in touch with your sexuality.'
Sexual desire might become more responsive than spontaneous with age. 'Desire can be created from touch, whether it's from another person or yourself," Kova said.
If lubrication and erections aren't as reliable as they once were, consider talking to your doctor about hormone replacement medication or about the use of Viagra.
'Keep in mind, sex doesn't always have to be penetrative,' she says. 'I like to use the word outercourse rather than intercourse, to describe what may be more pleasurable and achievable for folks who are in their older years or have a decline in their sexual function.'
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