Dealing With Setbacks: A Modern Stoic Approach To Anger Management

Forbes

5 days ago

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This article may seem at odds with others I have written about the value of emotions and emotional expression—but hear me out. I recently picked up William Irvine's 2019 book, 'The Stoic Challenge: A Philosopher's Guide to Becoming Tougher, Calmer and More Resilient.' His modern application of Stoicism offers a worthy counterbalance to the exhortation/meme to 'feel all the feels,' and provides some great practical advice on dealing with setbacks.
I'm generally a fan of emotions. They are the texture and quality of an experience—not just what happened, but what it meant; not just what you learned, but how it touched you or sparked something within. Emotions are data that clue you in to what matters: anger might indicate that a core value, like fairness or justice, is being violated; contentment is a sign that your needs are being met; fear of losing something or someone signals how much you cherish them. Emotions can provide inspiration or fuel for action to create a positive future. And a shared emotion, such as parents' love for their child, can bond us to one another.
But indulging emotions can interfere with our ability to move through setbacks. So-called 'negative' emotions—more accurately described as 'difficult' or 'unpleasant'—can cloud our thinking and undermine our agency. When we experience a setback, anger can cause us to lash out at others in unproductive ways; and anger's cousin, blame, can trap us in self-righteousness or victimization. None of this helps solve the problem.
Imagine you're heading to a meeting and reach the bus stop just as your bus pulls away. The next one isn't due for 20 minutes. Now what? You could curse the driver—who could clearly see you running to catch the bus—for not waiting for you. You could rage at the MTA for budget cuts that reduced the frequency of buses. You could kick yourself for lingering over breakfast, or fume about having to do the dishes your kids left in the sink. None of this changes the situation. At best, it wastes energy; at worst, it makes things worse by blocking clear thinking.
Getting swept up in difficult emotions can amplify suffering—but suppressing them isn't the answer either. Stuffing your anger can be a short-term fix, but over the long haul, you pay a price for bottling up emotions—either by blowing up later or through health problems like ulcers, high blood pressure, etc.
Back to the bus stop. What if you could skip the anger and blame? You could choose to use your time more constructively or pleasantly. You could pop into the coffee shop for a latte. You could read over your notes and prepare for the meeting. You could consult the map and realize that walking will get there earlier than the next bus would deliver you, and it's a nice day for a walk! Irvine's modern take on the philosophy of the Greek Stoics calls on us to rise to the occasion when we hit a setback, not by suppressing emotion, but instead by not allowing ourselves to get angry in the first place. They understood that while we can't control external events, we can control our reactions. According to Irvine, the Stoics (currently enjoying a popular resurgence among Silicon Valley dudes sometimes called 'Broicism') were not anti-emotion, but were concerned with reducing the experience of negative emotion, specifically frustration, grief, envy and anger, which Irvine calls 'anti-joy.' He quotes Seneca's On Anger, 'No plague has cost the human race more.'
Austrian psychiatrist and holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl is credited with saying,'Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.'
Irvine gives that space a time frame: five seconds to reframe a setback before difficult emotions can take hold. His Stoic Challenge framework invites you to see a setback not as something terrible, blameworthy or unfair but instead as a test of your ingenuity and resilience. When you miss the bus or get passed over for promotion, don't leap to 'how terrible, this is bad' and its accompanying feelings of dismay, anger or blame. Instead, reframe the situation as a challenge being offered to you by the Stoic Gods (Irvine's construct; insert any real or imagined being with your best interests at heart). Welcome it as an opportunity to practice virtue, find a clever work-around, and grow stronger. Irvine offers the following approaches to reframing a setback:
It could be worse: Practice brief 'negative visualizations' to build gratitude. Stuck without your luggage? At least the plane landed safely.
No villain: Resist the urge to assign malicious intent. People may be overcommitted, incompetent—or simply human.
This is a story/funny: Imagine the story you'll tell later. Humor helps keep perspective and authorship calls you to agency rather than reactivity.
This is a game: You chose this 'field of play.' Challenges are part of the game. How will you meet them?
This is a test: See the setback as a challenge from the 'Stoic Gods' to help you grow stronger. Keep your cool and get to work!
By offering these alternate frames, he invites us to turn obstacles into a choose-your adventure story.
Don't get me wrong—I am still in favor of attending to our emotions and those of others. Irvine's book offers a fresh take on ancient wisdom and provides a handy toolkit for facing setbacks, but it has real limitations and still leaves me somewhat unsatisfied. His approach focuses on the individual and risks turning others into objects. Additionally, though he draws on psychological research, the author dismisses psychotherapy in ways that overlook mental illness and trauma and their profoundly debilitating effects. And for someone whose approach is mind-centric, Irvine doesn't even acknowledge the existence or value of mindfulness meditation practices in managing anger and other difficult emotions. Finally, while he asserts that the Stoic's goal is to eliminate or reduce only unpleasant emotions but not joy or delight, he overlooks how deeply grief and joy are often intertwined in lived experience.
That said, I wholeheartedly agree with Irvine: most of us have more capacity to meet adversity than we realize. I'm glad to add the 'Stoic Challenge' framework to my coaching toolkit.