I have great sex with lover but she's gone cold on me – is our huge age gap to blame?
DEAR DEIDRE: THE woman I've fallen for seemed keen at first, but now she's gone cold on me and I fear it's the big age gap between us.
I was excited to start a relationship with her, especially after we slept together. Now I feel like a fool.
I'm a divorced 58-year-old man and she's 20 years younger. She is single and has a teenage son.
I met her at a friend's party and was instantly smitten.
To my surprise, she flirted with me and later asked for my number.
We messaged for a couple of weeks with lots of sexy chat.
Then I took her out for dinner and we had a wonderful evening.
She came back to my house and we had a passionate session of foreplay on the sofa.
After that, we met several times, but always at my place. She didn't want to go anywhere public.
The one time I did manage to persuade her to come out, to the theatre, it felt like she was walking ten paces in front of me all night. I now think she was embarrassed about being seen with an old man.
We did have sex a few times — which was passionate and fulfilling for both of us — yet she would never stay over.
When I asked what was going on, she said her son wasn't happy about us seeing each other and she had to respect that.
Cheating and can you get over it
Since then, she's messaged less and less. It feels like she's cooled.
The problem is, I've realised I'm in love with her. Have I wasted my time?
DEIDRE SAYS: It does sound as if you would be better off accepting that this relationship isn't going to progress.
It is possible she really did like you at first and wanted to develop something with you.
But her son is a teenager, and she has clearly decided, rightly, that his needs must come first.
It might not be your age that's the problem.
He could have some personal issues, or perhaps he's upset about her break-up with his dad and can't cope with her having a boyfriend.
It is also possible she has simply changed her mind about you.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, as you clearly care for her.
But you can't change someone else's feelings or circumstances.
My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, should help you move forward.
I CAN'T MAKE FRIENDS DUE TO CRIPPLING SHYNESS
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I see other people having normal relationships and friendships, it makes me feel so left out and jealous.
I'm sick of being lonely, but I'm pathologically shy and don't know how to change. Although I have a good job in IT, I've never had any real friends or a girlfriend. I'm now 32.
I find talking to people painful, so I avoid it. People think I'm rude or stand-offish and I give up trying. While I like my own company, I'm tired of always being alone. I envy other people who go out and have fun together.
I've had acquaintances, but nobody I could call a real friend. And when girls are near, I turn red and can't speak to them.
My family says the problem is that I'm too self-conscious and should stop overthinking it. They tell me to be myself. But it's not that easy.
What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: The fact you have a job and acquaintances shows you can cope around other people.
Presumably, you passed an interview and have to communicate at work. I think your family is right – you are overthinking things. My support pack, Raising Self-esteem, should help.
Severe shyness can be a medical problem. It is worth talking to your GP, as there may be medication or therapy that can help. Also read my support pack, Shyness And Social Anxiety.
Practise talking to people in the mirror. Asking lots of questions is a good start.
SON'S ANXIETY IS ALL MY FAULT
DEAR DEIDRE: MY son suffers from panic attacks and terrible anxiety – and it's all my fault because I didn't leave his horrible dad sooner.
I feel so guilty that I didn't protect him and now I want to make everything better. But I don't know how to. I'm a 44-year-old divorced mother with a boy aged 19 and a girl of 17.
My ex-husband wasn't ready to be a father when I got pregnant with our son, and as a result he was distant with him.
He was always a sensitive, sickly child, and my ex-husband treated him like he wasn't good enough. From his early teens, our boy developed anxiety, which only seems to get worse.
He is convinced bad things will happen, is a hypochondriac – the slightest pain must be cancer – and he can't hold down a job.
He dropped out of school because he couldn't get through his exams. He finds it very difficult to sleep, he's frightened of his vivid nightmares and often has the most debilitating panic attacks, where he can't breathe. All I want is for him to be happy.
I know I should have left his dad when he was little, but I was stupidly in love and didn't realise the long-term effect of his behaviour.
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don't blame yourself. Your son's anxiety disorder is not your fault and may have developed regardless.
Leaving a spouse is never easy. You love your son and want to do what's best for him.
You can help him to seek help and show him you are there for him. Encourage him to see his GP, who can refer him for cognitive behavioural therapy, which is highly effective in dealing with anxiety disorders. Keep talking to him and reassuring him.
My support packs Coping With Panic Attacks and Living With Anxiety contain useful information and sources of help.
HE JUST LAUGHS IF I TELL HIM TO LEAVE
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M trapped in a relationship with a man who laughs when I ask him to leave.
After three years together, I've realised he is just using me for my flat and my money.
I'm 36 and he's 42. When we first met, he was charming, kind and so attentive. I was sure he was the love of my life.
He quickly moved in with me, and that's when everything changed.
The charm went and he became selfish and started lying.
I'm pretty sure he's cheating with other women. He's certainly not interested in sex with me any more, saying I've put on weight.
Although we earn the same, he spends all his money on treats for himself, leaving me to buy food and pay the mortgage plus all the bills.
I've told him I'm not happy and asked him to leave, but he laughed in my face. I don't know what to do. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: So often, people like this with an unreasonably high sense of their own importance are charming at first. That's how they manipulate people. Now he's shown his true colours.
Your relationship sounds abusive and you're right to want to end it.
See my support pack, Abusive Partner, for help.
As you own the flat and are paying the mortgage, he has no legal right to stay.
Seek legal advice on how to get him out.
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