"If This Happens To You, Run As Fast As You Can": 29 Women Share The Subtle But Important "Red Flags" That Revealed That Their Partner Was Misogynistic

Yahoo

2 days ago

I asked women of the BuzzFeed Community to share the subtle red flags they didn't notice at first, but — in hindsight — hinted at just how misogynistic their significant others ended up being. These "girls' girls" shared their raw, honest experiences, so here are 29 subtle but significant red flags they shared:
Note: Submissions have also been sourced from a previous installment of this post, which curated answers from Reddit as well.
1.If a man is in his thirties and still uses 'girls' instead of 'women' when referring to dating. 'I've dated some great girls, but haven't found the one yet,' as opposed to 'I've been dating some great women but haven't found the one yet.'"
—ruemclanahan
2."When all their favorite content creators (writers, journalists, influencers, etc.) are white men. And they don't even notice until you mention it — but then once they realize it, they quickly find a way to rationalize it to you and continue ignoring women and BIPOC creators."
—madkz
3."In addition to 'nice guy,' any man who describes himself as 'chivalrous' or 'a gentleman' on a dating app is an immediate left swipe. You don't have to say these things; your actions should show them."
—doofenshmirtzevilinc
4."When they're super quick to put down media/books/music that is mostly enjoyed, created, and consumed by women. AKA, they think all rom-coms are trash and not 'intellectually stimulating,' but will happily sit through a three-hour, lowly rated action movie with no plot, just lots of gun shooting. You don't have to love Taylor Swift, but I'm gonna raise an eyebrow if you turn her off in the car because 'all she does is write break-up songs.'
—u/Ok-Wait-8281
5."A seriously overlooked red flag: saying he is looking for a woman 'capable of an intellectual conversation' on his dating profile. The thing he's not saying is that he doesn't think that is a given for women…"
—hereforthedramz
6."When they preface things with, 'You might not get this,' or, 'You might not understand this.' Yes, I am a girl. No, I am not an idiot."
—u/This_Silent_Tragedy
"Especially when it's an extremely simple concept that he's trying to explain. A guy that I work with was trying to explain his views on Roe v. Wade getting overturned and began it with, 'You probably aren't going to understand this...' I'm a software programmer; I'm clearly not dense."
—u/lilimac416
7."When men think you need to be told how to do something just because you do it differently than they do. He once said to me, 'Here, let me cut that for you because you're not doing it right.' Uh, no…I want to cut it this way, and if I wanted help, I'd ask. It's degrading after years and years of it. Just because I do something differently than you does not make me wrong."
—Anonymous
8."When they strongly identify with fictional characters who treat women poorly, because they think they're badass or cool."
—fanosaurusrex
9."My ex used to jokingly say, 'Girls don't poop.' I didn't think much of it at first, but then I realized that he was placing me on a pedestal, and when I didn't live up to these unrealistic expectations of being this perfect, hot all the time, poopless fartless, sex machine, I was 'too much' or 'not enough' or a mess or whatever else."
—u/ExistentialHousecat
"My grandmother used to tell this story about a distant male relative of hers who divorced his wife because he 'caught' her removing sock lint from between her toes. This was such a disgusting act to him that he couldn't stand to be married to her any longer. My grandmother always told this as a cautionary tale about how a woman always has to make sure to act properly or her husband would leave her. My mother didn't quite agree."
—u/brutalbeast
10."When they interrupt or talk over their partner, repeatedly."
—u/Noah_Pinyin
"I once dated a man that interrupted me constantly. I, assuming it was unintentional, told him what he was doing, and he stopped. Then, he replaced doing that by saying, 'You talk a lot.' In reality, he talked fucking constantly, and any of my part of the conversation was maybe one-third of the time of his. Eventually he started using the phrase 'equal rights, equal lefts.' I can't believe I stayed so long."
—u/Dorkadoodle
11.When men pretend to care about women's rights, but only engage with them in an abstract way, while continuing to embody the same problematic dynamics that they claim to hate in their personal lives. This is exactly why I roll my eyes at men who say, 'Not all men,' 'There's good men out there,' or, 'I would never do this and that.'"
"My good friend is married to a guy who is extremely involved in social justice movements. You would think he'd be more socially aware, but he talks over her constantly and openly patronizes her if he thinks she's said something wrong. It's so uncomfortable to watch."
—u/bucky_list
12."When we watched movies and there was a scene with all women, my ex would always feel the need to comment, 'Here is the obligatory female scene to get the chicks to watch.' He said this emphatically during Endgame when the women had a fight scene. He made a similar comment with the latest Ghostbusters about how stupid the movie was going to be because of the female cast. As if women don't or can't contribute to a plot in any realistic way — we are just filler until the men can carry the plot forward."
—Anonymous
13."When they correct you on literally EVERYTHING. My ex corrected me about the name of a certain muscle. I have a degree in health science, which involved no less than six anatomy or physiology courses, and I got 98% in all of them. He worked in finance. He would also 'test' me on things typically feminine like knowledge of makeup products or names of clothing styles."
—jess_is_a_babe91
14."When they're skeptical of educated women or women that make good money."
—u/productofoctober
"I make a good living. I worked so hard to get where I am, and I can't tell you how many MEN daily are like, 'What guy do you sleep with to get these things?' Like, no, women don't need men to have nice things!!!!"
—u/lmc152
15."When their opinion always matters more than yours. Ex: It's your birthday, and you love sushi, but your BF hates it. He refused to take you to a sushi restaurant, even though they offer options other than sushi. Or he will drag you to whatever movie he pleases, knowing that you don't want to see it. But he's unwilling to sit through a movie that you picked but he isn't interested in."
—identicalsnowflakes
16."My ex said he couldn't vote for a woman because women are too emotional and can't make decisions that aren't based on emotion."
—Anonymous
17."We were married for 30 years, and over the years I achieved a much higher level of success and made three times his salary. Nonetheless, he was constantly reminding me that I was still less intelligent than him and just lucky because I am an attractive woman. I think we all know who was really smarter."
—Anonymous
18."When your S.O. complains about women in sports. Female athletes and sporting leagues should be seen as their own thing that operates in their own competition, rather than an extension of the men's league."
—u/little_cranberry5
19."I find it odd when men never let you pay for anything. If I have a career and I'm making a decent income, then I want to pick up the tab sometimes. It feels infantilizing if they insist on paying each and every time. It's almost as though they don't think I'm self-sufficient enough."
—u/starskyandbutch
"It's not just the patronizing attitude. It's also setting a tone of being indebted to them, financially or morally. I've yet to see a man who insists on paying for absolutely every single thing in a relationship, who doesn't bring it up when shit hits the fan."
—u/petronia1
"When they order for you on a date. I went out with a guy who insisted on buying me expensive cocktails when I said I wanted beer and was paying for it myself. He kept ordering the cocktails for me thinking I'd be impressed. I was not!"
—jexxls
20."Every time a celebrity announced a pregnancy, my ex would go off on a rant about how they weren't going to be hot anymore and that pregnant women were 'damaged goods.' I asked him once if he'd see me as damaged good if I was pregnant, and he said that he would and that pregnancy was apparently a 'hall pass for men to cheat,' because it made women so unattractive. Then, he said I'd have a maximum of six weeks to get back in shape before he'd dump me."
"Fifteen years later, I'm married to an amazing husband and about to give birth to baby number three. I can't even begin to tell you how badly my ex's comments have fucked up my mental health. Each pregnancy has been plagued by insecurity, doubt, body issues, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy."
—u/Kimmbley
21."Making fun of you and then saying, 'Don't be so sensitive, I'm just joking' when you let them know you don't appreciate it. Blaming you for their garbage behavior is gaslighting at its finest. If this happens to you, run as fast as you can in the other direction."
—Anonymous
22."Never taking accountability for his actions. He was always faultless; everything was deflected, always turned back on me. His domineering statements always, ALWAYS began with 'You need to...' or 'You should...' or 'I told you not to...', or my absolute favourite, 'The problem with you is...'"
"Five years of gaslighting before some amazing and on-the-ball maternity staff when I was having his baby helped me to finally get clued into how toxic and misogynistic he was, and that his behaviour toward me (and the baby) was not okay!"
—Anonymous
23."They're only affectionate when they're getting intimate before sex. Any other time they're asked for a back rub or foot massage before going to bed, they insist they're tired and just flip over to go to sleep because they know you're not in the mood for sex. Like, they think a massage or touch is a prelude to sex every time. This gets annoying and erodes the relationship."
—Anonymous
24."When your partner always defends his mates' bad behavior(s) and makes up excuses. For example, I have a history of sexual abuse and rape that my BF knows about. My BF's friend makes a rape joke. I call him out and tell him it's not funny. Regardless of how he reacts, my BF immediately jumps in and tells me I'm sensitive and need to take a joke. I tell him he knows my past and that he is being extremely disrespectful. Now I'm the bad guy. But now, I can't trust my BF or his friends."
—Anonymous
25."Pay very close attention to how a man treats his mother. I missed so many obvious signs between my ex-husband and his mom. He was rude, dismissive, controlling, and cruel — all traits that (eventually) spilled over into our relationship. I just thought he didn't like his mom. Turns out he didn't like women, at all."
—Anonymous
26."When he has applied different expectations to you than to himself. Though it has always been there, I wasn't staring at it so blatantly until we had a child, and now I can't unsee it. He can take off to play golf or go to the gym when he wants, but I need to find ways to get my hair done or nails done during my work hours."
"If our child is sick, I'm the one taking off work. There is never even a thought that he should do it. When pushed, his response was, 'Well, you are the mother.' And if I were to recall these moments, he would swear they weren't sexist. 🙄"
—Anonymous
27."When he is shocked that you know anything about a stereotypically male topic."
"For example, I once went on a date with a guy that drove a DS Automobile. He thought that it was amazing that 1) I recognized the brand, and 2) I knew that DS is a premium model for Citroen, 'cause 'girls don't know cars.' SMH."
—u/HappyHermitLife
"I used to have a friend in high school who would constantly ask for help, but would always ignore my advice. The best part was that if any of his guy friends offered the same advice, he would be more than happy to do it. But that dude always came to me for any 'physical' help, like completing projects or assignments. He was a typical 'wanna be computer nerd', but only discussed the topic with his guy friends, even though I was equally interested, if not more than them."
I guess it wasn't a surprise that he called me a whore in front of our grade anonymously out of spite and jealousy, but I was smart enough to find out it was him, and guess who got suspended?"
—Anonymous
28."When he tries to control things like where you go for dates and what you eat at a restaurant. He always has a reason, too, saying things like it's 'because he knows food better than I do.' He gives presents HE wants me to have, regardless of what I want/like."
—u/boo-pspps
"I knew a guy who had a bad habit of responding, 'Women shouldn't' or 'Women shouldn't be allowed to' in conversations about certain subjects. I don't talk to him anymore."
—Anonymous
29.And finally, "He didn't believe women's struggles were real because 'he never experienced them.' I tried talking to my ex about some issues that we face as women that men don't (not walking alone at night, wage gap, being treated as less than in the workplace, being sexually harassed at work, mansplaining, lol), and he explained to me that none of that could be real because he never experienced it. I looked at him and asked if he understood what he just said, and he was genuinely confused."
—thetinyelephant
BuzzFeeders, now it's your turn. What are some subtle but significant signs of misogyny you've noticed in relationships or even in friendships? Tell us about them in the comments below or via this anonymous form.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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