My dying husband told our son some hurtful things. How do I comfort him?
This is a very painful situation. It's always hard to be critiqued by a parent, but it's even harder when those are some of their last words. Your son doesn't get a chance to ask more questions or mend the rupture. He's left confused and holding onto the hurt. Now, you are trying to ease that pain.
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Yahoo
6 hours ago
- Yahoo
How to Tell If You're Parenting Through a ‘Functional Freeze'
The term 'functional freeze' has been getting a lot of attention on social media—in part, it seems, because it names an experience many parents have been unknowingly grappling with: outwardly functioning while inwardly feeling numb or 'frozen.' This phenomenon is especially common among parents due to the overwhelming and often invisible labor required of caregivers. 'Parents may not realize they're operating from a state of functional freeze because they're still feeding their kids, driving to appointments, and meeting basic needs,' says Miranda Nadeau, PhD, licensed psychologist and owner of Panorama Therapy. But she says not addressing this state can take a toll on parent's mental health and impact relationships with their children and other loved ones. Learn how to identify functional freeze, how it impacts family dynamics when left unaddressed, and what parents can do to support themselves out of it. What Is 'Functional Freeze'? The term "functional freeze" is not a formal clinical diagnosis, but rather a phrase used to describe a very short-term physiological response in which a person actually slows down or dissociates—often out of fear, overwhelm, or self-preservation. The term captures the contradiction of "freezing" internally while still feeling a sense of responsibility to "function" outwardly, a reality that resonates with many parents. During this state, a person may seem fine on the outside, but emotionally disconnected on the inside, struggling to get through the day. A freeze state is often triggered when other nervous system responses like 'fight' or 'flight' aren't available or don't feel socially acceptable. As a result, the mind and body go into a kind of lockdown for protection. 'It's not a moral failure or a character flaw; it's a nervous system doing its best to cope,' says Nadeau. While some of the symptoms of a functional freeze state may sound similar to burnout or depression, there are distinctions. The hallmarks of burnout, which is also not a clinical diagnosis, are exhaustion, cynicism, and reduced productivity. Depression, a mood disorder, affects everyday functioning and impacts how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. However, persistent experiences of functional freeze can also signal clinical depression, especially if these symptoms continue for weeks or months. "Functional freeze is often missed because people can still 'function,'' says Supatra Tovar, LCP, a holistic health clinical psychologist. 'They may go to work, pack lunches, answer emails, and even appear calm. But they are often dissociated from their emotions, struggling with indecision, or living in a constant state of low-level overwhelm.'"Functional freeze is often missed because people can still 'function.' They may go to work, pack lunches, answer emails, and even appear calm. But they are often dissociated from their emotions, struggling with indecision, or living in a constant state of low-level overwhelm." Supatra Tovar, LCPHow 'Functional Freeze' Shows Up in Parents Nadeau and Tovar share the subtle but telling signs of how this nervous system response can show up in parents' lives. Flat caregiving Nadeau describes this as 'keeping everyone alive and on schedule but without any sense of connection or satisfaction.' A parent may feed, bathe, and dress their child but feel emotionally disconnected throughout the process. This can come with guilt or shame, and a frustrating sense of being unable to fix it. Social and Emotional Withdrawal Parents in a "functional freeze" may experience social and emotional withdrawal. Family activities and social interactions that were once enjoyable now feel overwhelming to the point that they are avoided. 'You stop doing things that once fostered closeness—bedtime snuggles, shared meals, check-ins—because they feel effortful or emotionally inaccessible,' says Nadeau. Emotional withdrawal might also look like finding it difficult or impossible to cry or express emotion, even during deeply upsetting situations. Paralysis Feeling emotional paralysis can cause the dirty laundry to pile up, frozen meals to become the daily fall back option, and the floors to never truly be clean. Parents feeling this have little motivation to practice self-care, even when they have the time for it. They might forget appointments or lose track of time easily. And they may also feel frozen between perfectionism and paralysis, hyper-fixating on 'doing everything right' and compulsively researching everything but, ultimately, are unable to act on what is discovered. Lack of spontaneity While routines can be stabilizing, reliance on them can become rigid. An unexpected school closure or a delayed nap can trigger a disproportionate amount of stress. Parents may find they lose the ability to be flexible and spontaneous in daily life and interactions with their children. 'You want to engage but can't bring yourself to build the Lego tower, read the silly book again, or dance in the living room,' Nadeau says. 'You just sit there, scrolling, nodding, or zoning out.' Decision overwhelm Parents may default to saying "yes" to everything because decision fatigue becomes paralyzing. Chronic indecision and a sense of overwhelm without a clear cause are common symptoms. 'You say yes to everything because making decisions—about snacks, screen time, bedtime—is exhausting or paralyzing,' says Nadeau. Avoidance Hard conversations and confrontation feel impossible. Some parents might stare at a wall during a tantrum or walk away without reacting. Others might appear calm in the moment, but later on begin crying unexpectedly or experience a panic attack. Disconnection from joy Some parents in a "functional freeze" may begin to dread the start of the day—even if they had enough rest. 'There's a flat sense of 'just get through the day' without the capacity to plan or hope for more,' Nadeau says. She calls this 'I-can't-even fatigue.' Why Parents Are Prone to This State Parents face a mix of low-grade, ongoing stressors: lack of autonomy and relentless societal pressure to keep performing. 'Parents are often juggling competing demands without adequate support,' says Tovar. 'The pressure to be emotionally available, physically present, financially responsible, and socially engaged can lead to chronic nervous system overload.' In response, the body may feel forced into a freeze state to conserve energy and protect against overwhelm. It doesn't help that modern parenting can be isolating and feel like being in a constant 'survival mode' state. In addition, parents can face added pressure to perform their caregiving responsibilities perfectly, regardless of personal wellbeing for the sake of their families. And for parents who have unprocessed trauma, particularly from their childhoods, their nervous systems may be more quick to default into a freeze Check-In Do I find myself avoiding tasks not because I'm too busy, but because I feel paralyzed? When I have downtime, do I struggle to relax or feel anything at all? Do I zone out or dissociate rather than feel restored or engaged? Do I feel emotionally numb or disconnected even when I'm around people I love? Am I doing what needs to be done as a parent, but feeling like I'm 'checked out," on 'auto-pilot,' just 'going through the motions,' or in 'survival mode'? Do I find it easier to just 'say yes' or let things go than to engage in setting boundaries or following through with parenting plans? Have I stopped doing activities that used to bring me joy or connection? If you've answered 'yes' to several of these questions, it is possible that you are experiencing functional freeze and it is worth exploring Impact on Kids and Family Life All parents have off days, but chronic functional freeze can subtly shift how a family operates. 'Functional freeze affects children in subtle but powerful ways,' Tovar says. 'Kids are highly attuned to their parents' emotional availability. Even if a parent is physically present, the child may sense emotional disconnection. This can lead to feelings of insecurity or confusion.' Nadeau gives the example of a child who excitedly runs over to a parent with a drawing they've made. In a freeze state, the parent isn't able to exude warmth or genuine interest which the child can pick up on. Eventually the child may stop sharing their excitement or accomplishments. In some cases, a child may develop a sense of responsibility to support the frozen parent by anticipating their needs and taking on a level of emotional labor that can be harmful. Here are a few other ways Tovar says that unaddressed functional freeze states can impact how a family relates to each other: Emotional expression between family members becomes limited or suppressed Children may learn to shut down or suppress their own emotions Relationships between family members become task-oriented rather than emotionally intimate Couples may experience emotional distancing Family members may "function" together, but grow increasingly isolated How to Begin 'Thawing' from Functional Freeze While feeling emotionally paralyzed in life can understandably feel overwhelming, it is possible to 'thaw' out of a functional freeze state and return to a connected internal experience. 'Fortunately, this state can shift—as all states can—with self-awareness, gentle disruption, support, and compassion,' says Nadeau. 'Even one small step towards presence can ripple outward into more connected parenting and deeper family relationships.' Here are some expert-backed ways to begin: Start with self-compassion. Recognize that functional freeze is a response by your brain to try to protect you. Reconnect with your body. 'Freeze states are somatic,' says Tovar. 'So begin with body awareness. Ask yourself: How am I breathing? Can I feel my feet on the ground?' When you force yourself to intentionally slow down you can begin building body awareness. Gentle stretching, walking while focusing on your senses, or rocking side to side can begin to reawaken the nervous system. Limit multitasking. Reduce feelings of overwhelm and practice being present by doing one activity at a time. 'Choose one task—folding laundry, brushing your child's hair—and do it mindfully,' Nadeau says. Make sure to avoid picking up your phone until you are done with the task. Find a rhythm. Rigidly adhering to routines without flexibility can be detrimental, but establishing supportive and rhythmic routines can be beneficial. 'Predictable routines like a morning walk, warm tea before bed, or daily journaling help reintroduce safety and structure,' Tovar says. Nourish your health. Tovar says it's important to incorporate 'grounding foods' in your daily diet. 'Include warm meals with complex carbohydrates, fiber-rich vegetables, and protein to stabilize blood sugar and support mood regulation,' she says. Engage your senses. Seek out calming sounds, textured fabrics, warm baths, or essential oils to gently stimulate sensory awareness. Nadeau says you can also make this a bonding activity with your child. 'Hold a warm mug together, play with kinetic sand or water beads, or light a scented candle while cooking,' she says. Rediscover joy. Break the cycle of being mindlessly task-focused by scheduling small pockets of play, creativity, or rest. Remind yourself that it's not possible to always be productive. Prioritize fresh air. Make sure to get yourself outside every day. 'Natural light and fresh air regulate circadian rhythms and support emotional clarity,' Tovar says. Understand the freeze. Journaling when you feel frozen or disconnected can help identify patterns and areas where support is needed. Use small moments to connect with your kids. Try sitting with your kids for five minutes with no agenda. You can put your hand gently on their back while they talk, or whisper something silly to shift the tone and increase the warmth between you. Make time for supportive relationships. 'Even brief, present-time interactions with a trusted friend or partner can help re-engage the social nervous system,' says Tovar. When To Seek Professional Help If these techniques aren't helping, or freeze states have lasted weeks or months, it may be time to reach out to a therapist. Signs you might benefit from therapy: You feel a desire to connect with your children but no longer know how to do so You've lost your sense of identity or purpose You're using food, screens, alcohol, or other behaviors to numb out daily You no longer experience joy or connection These can all be signs of a deeper issue, such as depression. Experts say the concept of functional freeze often captures a common form of depression that many parents experience without recognizing it. Depression can show up in different ways, and everyone has their own triggers—so if you feel stuck in a functional freeze, it's worth checking in with a profession to explore whether clinical depression might be at play. In these cases, Trovar explains that therapy can provide a safe space to explore what's going on beneath the surface, gently rewire the nervous system, and reconnect you with your internal world. She also says that cognitive behavioral therapy, trauma-informed care, and nervous system education can be especially effective. There are plenty of unrealistic expectations placed on parents' shoulders, but living in a constant state of numbness and disconnection shouldn't be one of them. Parents deserve to feel joy, connection, and satisfaction, and can take heart knowing that functional freeze is something they can break free from. Read the original article on Parents Solve the daily Crossword
Washington Post
18 hours ago
- Washington Post
Asking Eric: Friends disappear after terminal diagnosis
Dear Eric: I have been diagnosed with a terminal disease (ya, it's lousy) and my outlook is just a year or so. I have let very few people know. Most are very sympathetic and supportive, but a couple have totally withdrawn. Should I try to connect with them? Or just let it go?
Yahoo
a day ago
- Yahoo
7 Things a Trauma-Informed Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Doing ASAP
7 Things a Trauma-Informed Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Doing ASAP originally appeared on Parade. "I turned out fine." "They'll never remember this time, anyway."These lines may offer reassurance to parents and grandparents. However, one psychologist notes it's essential to recognize that what happens in early childhooddoes indeed matter."The brain goes through its most rapid period of development in the first few years of life, and parents play a critical role in shaping the neural pathways that will impact children for the rest of their lives," explains Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., a psychologist who uses trauma-informed techniques and is the co-founder of Phoenix Health. "From a trauma-informed perspective, providing a consistent, nurturing and predictable environment and relationship for children helps foster a secure attachment."On the other hand, she warns that environments marked by fear, unpredictability and neglect wire a child's brain for threat and be clear, no one is saying anyone has to be perfect. That's impossible and sets an untenable standard for children to try to emulate. The goal is to raise children who feel safe, even during challenging times, and have the ability to self-regulate their emotions. To help explain this, Dr. Guarnotta shares seven things she wishes parents and grandparents would stop doingso that they don't sabotage these 7 Things Grandparents and Parents Should Stop Doing ASAP, According to a Trauma-Informed Psychologist 1. Dismissing a child's feelings Class dismissed? Not when it comes to teaching emotional regulation, a process that begins early and involves being mindful not to invalidate a child's feelings."This can involve saying things like, 'You're overreacting,' 'Stop crying' or 'It's not that big of a deal,'" explains Dr. Guarnotta. "When we dismiss a child's feelings, we send the message that their emotions are 'wrong.'"Sure, drinking milk from a blue cup instead of a green cup doesn't seem like a big deal to you as an adult. However, kids are not mini-adults, and their disappointment—while not cause to start hitting you—is real to them. Telling them they can't hit is fine, but telling them something is "NBD" is harmful when done constantly."This can cause them to mistrust themselves and impact their emotion regulation skills," she says. "It can also negatively affect the child/caregiver bond, since children feel misunderstood rather than supported."Related: 2. Using punishments to spark fear and shame Some of these punishments may sound familiar and remind you of your childhood. However, Dr. Guarnotta says we know better these days and encourages caregivers to do better by the next generation of humans. "This can involve putting your hands on a child by spanking them, giving them the silent treatment or using hurtful words," she says. "These methods of punishment activate the fight-flight-freeze response. When a child is afraid, they are unable to learn the lesson that you are trying to teach them."Unfortunately, she warns that these punishments can damage your relationship with a child and teach them to use power and intimidation to solve problems with others. 3. Forcing affection If your child or grandchild doesn't want to hug Uncle Joey—or you—that's more than okay."Pushing a child to hug or kiss a family member when they are hesitant or say no teaches them that they should ignore their own feelings in order to please an adult," Dr. Guarnotta says. "Physical touch is one of the earliest and most important lessons in healthy boundaries. Instead of pressuring your child, you can say, 'Would you like to hug your uncle?' If your child says no, respect their decision." 4. Comparing your child When it comes to raising kids, comparison is more than the thief of joy. It can damage the relationship they have with the person you're putting on a pedestal and rob them of self-esteem."Comparing your child to a sibling or someone else can lead to resentment and feelings of inadequacy," Dr. Guarnotta points out. "It can also damage sibling relationships and lead children to seek external validation to prove their worth."Related: 5. Praising the outcome instead of the effort This one is sneaky, and even the most well-meaning grandparents and parents do it. It doesn't make you a bad person, but Dr. Guarnotta suggests taking a mindful approach to praise."When a child comes home with an 'A,' praising the outcome might sound like 'Good job on that A!' while praising the effort might sound like, 'You worked so hard to get that A,'" she what's the issue? Hear her out."While praising the outcome is well-intentioned, it can lead children to tie their self-worth to their performance, fear failure, avoid challenges and seek constant praise," she points out. 6. Overlooking the importance of play Again, even the best parents and grandparents may have this blind spot. Signing kids up for sports, music lessons and other structured activities is often done out of love and an attempt to have them find their "things" or get into a "good" college. "There is a strong push today for children to get involved in structured activities and academics," Dr. Guarnotta structured activities are fine—great even—and a child may adore them. Still, balance is key. Play isn't frivolous."While there is value in these activities, unstructured play is important for helping children process their experiences, learn problem-solving skills and develop social-emotional skills," she says. "When children are stressed, play can help them cope with their emotions and work things out." 7. Not attending to *your* emotional needs Surprised to see this one here? Don't be. You're a parent or a grandparent—not a martyr. Your needs matter too and will help you meet a child's needs."Many caregivers today are stressed, exhausted and even burnt out," Dr. Guarnotta reports. "The problem with this is that children rely on their caregivers to help them co-regulate, or regulate their own emotions."She shares that children can pick up on their caregivers' chronic stress, anxiety and anger."Their nervous system will mirror ours," she reveals. "It's important to model how to recognize and cope with our own emotions." Taking a minute to take a deep breath or tapping out for a quick walk when a partner comes home can offer a reset that helps you better show up for a The Most Impactful Thing You Can Do With Your Kids and Grandkids Today Dr. Guarnotta wants parents and grandparents to understand the importance of repair after rupture. Remember how we said no parent or grandparent is perfect? That's because it's true. You're bound to mess up."We all have moments where we lose our tempers, say the wrong things or dismiss a loved one's feelings," she explains. "These moments are called 'ruptures' in our relationships with our children. While we do want to minimize ruptures, they cannot be avoided entirely."That's where repair comes in."The goal is to repair when they do happen," she says. "Repairing ruptures shows children that relationships are resilient, it's OK to make mistakes and conflicts can be worked out. It also models empathy, accountability and forgiveness, which are important life skills."For instance, apologizing for raising your voice and telling a child to "calm down" about getting the blue cup instead of the green cup is a good example of repair. Then, validate that it must have been disappointing, and that you'll work on taking a deep breath before raising your voice next time—and following Next:Source: Dr Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., a psychologist who uses trauma-informed techniques and is the co-founder of Phoenix Health. 7 Things a Trauma-Informed Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Doing ASAP first appeared on Parade on Aug 3, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 3, 2025, where it first appeared. Solve the daily Crossword
