The Best and Worst Things to Say to Someone Going Through a Breakup
When your friend's heart is broken, you might struggle to offer words of support. What can you say to help relieve the pain of feeling abandoned, rejected, wronged, or destined to a life alone?
Choose wisely: 'These words, for better or worse, stay with people,' says Natalia Juarez, a relationship coach who helps people navigate breakups. The end of a relationship is a pivotal moment that can splinter your friend's routines, identity, and future plans, and they'll remember the way you showed up for them even when they can no longer summon the exact tint of their ex's eyes.
Beware of common pitfalls that might offend your friend, Juarez cautions, like glibly telling them that time heals all wounds. That kind of 'toxic positivity' can 'minimize their pain,' she says. And resist the temptation to tell them that the best way to get over one person is to—well, get intimately acquainted with another. 'It's insensitive,' she says, and both men and women have told her they don't appreciate the quip. Another insulting yet common comment Juarez hears about is 'at least you weren't married,' which downplays a relationship that might have meant everything even if it wasn't recognized by law. And remember: Broken hearts don't get sewn back together overnight. Never ask your friend why they aren't over the breakup yet.
We asked Juarez and other experts to share the most helpful things to say to someone going through a breakup.
'That is really big news.'
Instead of saying you're sorry to hear about the split (it's not your fault), open the conversation with something neutral that's not loaded with emotion in either direction to get a sense of how your friend is doing, advises Morgan Cope, an assistant professor of psychology at Centre College in Kentucky who researches breakups.
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You could also ask, in a caring but straightforward way, how they're feeling about things. That way, you're not making any assumptions. (If your friend is devastated, for example, she definitely will not appreciate you basking in glee that her terrible ex is finally out of the picture.) Once you've taken the temperature of the situation, Cope adds, you can tailor the way you talk about it accordingly.
'It makes sense to feel a lot of different things right now: really bad today, but maybe a little better tomorrow.'
Healing from a breakup isn't a linear process. 'You get incrementally better, but there's volatility,' Cope says. 'One day you feel really cruddy, and then the next you're like, 'OK, I'm getting there,' and then you think you see their car in the street, and you have an emotional breakdown.'
Acknowledging this up-and-down pattern is better than hyping your friend up by telling them they're never going to feel this badly again, she adds—because, realistically, they very well might.
'Congratulations!'
Not every breakup is something to mourn. Maybe your friend gained the courage to pull the plug on a relationship they knew they'd outgrown—and now, they feel a sense of relief and even pride. If that's the case, go ahead and congratulate them. 'It can be nice if they've been struggling for a long time, and it seems like they're in a space to hear that,' Cope says. You can even add: 'I know you must be feeling a range of emotions, but now you have the space for new and better things.'
'You did your best.'
Your friend might be agonizing over whether there's more they could or should have done to salvage things with their ex. Put that unease at bay by reassuring them that you saw their efforts, Juarez advises. 'It helps release some painful feelings, like regret,' she says. ''Did it end too soon? Could we have tried more? Could I have loved harder?'' Such questions don't lead anywhere, Juarez adds, and your friend will appreciate your comfort and empathy.
'What do we need to do to keep you safe?'
Leaving a relationship can be unsafe for some people, Cope points out. If your friend was in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, she recommends telling them: "I'm so glad you're safe now. I value your well-being, and I'm here to support you.' Perhaps you can help them think through logistical tasks, like filing for a restraining order, changing the locks on their front door, getting a new phone number, or hiring a lawyer.
'Now you have clarity.'
If your friend's situationship is no longer a relevant situation, they might be dealing with a complicated set of emotions. Cope suggests wording what you say like this: 'I know things have been uncertain with this person, and that can be really difficult. Now you have clarity, and you can move forward.'
Read More: The Worst Opening Lines to Use on Dating Apps—And What to Say Instead
Don't assume that the dissolution of the situation isn't painful, she adds, just because it wasn't a full-blown partnership. Your friend probably 'spent so much time ruminating and thinking and obsessing' over the other person, and filling that newly empty space in their life can be hard.
'It's a blessing in disguise.'
In general, it's a good idea not to badmouth your friend's ex; reconciliations can and do happen. But sometimes, it can be helpful to get a little spicy.
Juarez still remembers that, after a broken engagement, a friend told her she had dodged a bullet. 'It gave me these anchors to hold on to, even when I was second-guessing myself,' she says. She was able to pull herself out of the darkness by repeating her friend's words and reminding herself: 'This is for the best.'
'You're not starting over; you're starting from experience.'
This is a lovely way of reframing your friend's breakup as a springboard into something new and fulfilling. 'It helps someone see they aren't back at square one,' says Amber Lee, a matchmaker and co-founder of the matchmaking service Select Date Society. 'They're wiser, stronger, and more self-aware than they were before.' For the high-achiever clients she works with, the idea of starting over often feels like failure, she adds, and this phrase gives them credit for their growth.
'There's no shame in missing someone who wasn't right for you.'
People often feel conflicted about breakups: They knew the relationship wasn't their end game, but they still miss their ex. Validating their feelings can go a long way.
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'We can't control what we feel,' Lee says. 'Let them know they shouldn't be ashamed—it's OK to feel that way in this moment, and in fact, it's probably very normal to feel that way.' Reassuring your friend can help remove guilt and make space for grief, Lee says, without encouraging them to act on their feelings or go back to their ex.
'It didn't work out because it wasn't the right fit, not because you're not enough.'
Self-blame is common after a breakup. Reassuring your friend that they are worthy can help shift their inner narrative from one of personal inadequacy to mutual mismatch. 'It reduces shame and invites curiosity instead of self-criticism,' Lee says. 'All relationships have to be a mutual fit, and if it wasn't, then it's not your person—and it has nothing to do with not being good enough.'
'Let's go to the movies or hang out at the park.'
If your friend loves a certain activity, try to lift their spirits by making plans to do it together, says Jan Miller, a psychologist with Thriveworks, which provides therapy and psychiatry services. Often, when people leave their home to do things—even if they don't initially feel like it—it ends up improving their mood. 'It's not going to make the pain go away,' she says, 'but it can be a good, healthy distraction."
'This breakup isn't happening to you. It's happening you.'
About a year after Juarez's engagement ended, she heard these words—and wished someone had said them to her when she needed them the most. The simple reframe 'gives you hope,' she says. 'It's a paradigm shift.' She thinks of it as a more palatable way of telling someone to 'trust the process,' than, for example, the overly cliche "everything happens for a reason.'
'We can spend time together without talking, if you want.'
Your heartbroken friend might want to rant and rave, cry, reminisce, sit in silence—or all of the above. Let them know you'll be by their side, whether that means literally or more figuratively, and that they're not alone, even if they feel like one aimless half of a whole.
Read More: 11 Questions to Ask on a First Date
'Maybe they're really depressed, understandably, and they want that emotional connection, but they just don't want to have to talk about [the breakup],' Miller says. 'Maybe they just want to eat ice cream and watch Grey's Anatomy. In our society, we really want to fix things—and sometimes, the best fix is just being there.'
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
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