12 Phrases That Make You Instantly More Assertive—Without Sounding Rude, Psychologists Say
This phrase is excellent for sharing your intentions and framing matters as a team effort, points out Dr. Catherine Hormats, Psy.D., a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor."Use it with people who have a history of being used, are skeptical or cynical or have trouble seeing a bigger picture," she suggests.Related:
Even in a polarized world where hot takes are the order of the day, it's possible to politely let someone know you don't see eye to eye. "There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with others," notes Dr. Jan Miller, Ph.D., licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. "The key to being assertive is how we share that we disagree. This phrase allows you to acknowledge that you've heard the other person's point of view and share that you have a difference of opinion."
Dr. Hormats shares that this line communicates your genuine preferences. However, the first part—about not challenging the person and wanting to remain authentic—softens the more direct ask that comes next, reducing the odds a person will feel defensive from the jump.She suggests using it when you're speaking to someone who is "suspicious, easily overwhelmed or generally feels unsafe when others differentiate themselves."
Messaging apps for work and personal life, like Slack and WhatsApp, put pressure on us to respond immediately. However, that's not the rule in non-emergency situations."There are few instances in life where an immediate answer is actually needed, and giving yourself permission to take a minute, literally 60 seconds, to consider what you want isn't too much," Dr. Miller says. "This phrase can be really helpful during job interviews or when you feel blindsided by a request."Related:
This one is for you, eldest daughters, people-pleasers and boundary-adverse types."This is a phrase that you can use when someone makes a request that you cannot take on. It is simple and direct, and doesn't over-explain," Dr. Schiff shares. "You are drawing a boundary without getting defensive."Related:
It's a phrase and a complete sentence. "I remind people all the time that 'no'... does not require any further explanation and is not rude," Dr. Miller says.However, she does concede it can feel too short and not sweet enough for some, "especially women who have been socialized to be more cooperative."If you feel this way, she suggests tacking on two tactful words without losing polite firmness by saying, "No, thank you."
Dr. Schiff suggests using this phrase when you want to say no but are open to considering alternatives."It is non-confrontational, calm and gives the other person space to pivot and come up with something else," she says.
Not all offers—however well-intentioned—are worth taking."Sometimes we can feel pressure to accept something, especially when it appears to be coming from a place of generosity or kindness," Dr. Miller says. "We may be afraid of offending or hurting the other person's feelings. However, accepting something we don't want could lead to waste and reinforce people-pleasing."This phrase kindly communicates "thanks, but no thanks."
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Sticking up for yourself can feel hard. However, Dr. Miller stresses that being assertive is important, especially if someone is raising their voice or using aggressive language."That type of speaking style can shut us down, resulting in passive communication where we may people-please," she points out. "We may match their tone, loudness or language, which will likely escalate the situation."Enter the phrase, "Please don't speak to me like that.""This phrasing can be helpful as it sets the boundary in a clear and direct manner," Dr. Miller says. "It could be helpful to then use an 'I statement' for further clarity."For instance, she explains that you might follow the above phrase with, 'When you raise your voice, it makes me feel afraid.'
In sports, timeouts don't mean "game over." The same is true for communication if you don't like where things are headed."This phrase is helpful when someone is overstepping, dominating or interrupting in a conversation," Dr. Schiff stresses. "It shows that you are not passive but can maintain professionalism. This can work well in a meeting in order to redirect or clarify."
Conversations can get tough, and deflecting or derailing is a common strategy to avoid having one. However, sometimes, working through an issue or continuing to discuss a challenging topic is essential. Dr. Schiff likes to use this assertive phrase in these situations."It keeps boundaries around the discussion in a polite way without escalating things," Dr. Schiff shares.
Getting interrupted is disorienting. You can assertively let someone know how you really feel without one-upping their rude behavior."This phrase will likely be more effective than raising your voice to speak over the person who is interrupting you," Dr. Miller says. "It is essentially an 'I statement' where you share how the person's behavior—interrupting you—makes you feel disrespected. This phrasing sets a clear boundary while reminding the other person that listening is a sign of respect."Related:
Some phrases may sound assertive in your head but come off as rude when said aloud. Psychologists advise against anything that will put people on the defensive, and it only takes two words at the beginning of a phrase to do the trick. Dr. Miller doesn't recommend extreme generalizations, which generally kick off with phrases like "You always" and "You never.""People rarely always or never do something," she says. "A more assertive way of communicating is to focus on the specific behavior and how it has affected you."Dr. Hormats reports that "You should" has a similar effect."Most people strongly dislike being told what to do or how to be," she explains.Up Next:Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist
Dr. Catherine Hormats Psy.D., a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
Dr. Jan Miller, Ph.D., licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
12 Phrases That Make You Instantly More Assertive—Without Sounding Rude, Psychologists Say first appeared on Parade on May 28, 2025
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10 Surprising Thoughts Psychologists Warn You Should Never, Ever Voice Out Loud, and Why
10 Surprising Thoughts Psychologists Warn You Should Never, Ever Voice Out Loud, and Why originally appeared on Parade. Sometimes, things you stay in your head off the tongue. However, psychologists share it's crucial to know what to leave in your head. Some thoughts and opinions shouldn't actually be voiced out loud."Knowing when to hold back is a crucial aspect of emotional intelligence," stresses Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "Some thoughts can hurt others, break trust or create long-term harm. Not every raw thought is meant to be voiced without reflection."To help you avoid harming others—and yourself by attempting to stick your foot in your mouth literally or at least figuratively—psychologists are revealing 10 thoughts that should never, ever be spoken into existence. They also share ways to work on developing a 10 Thoughts to Never Say Out Loud, According to Psychologists 1. "I wish I were with so and so right now." Your feelings are valid, but you may hurt another person by letting this thought become spoken word."Even if this is a temporary and fleeting thought, voicing this be emotionally destructive," Dr. Schiff explains the pain can become especially pronounced in romantic relationships and advises people to focus discussions on constructive ways to work on disconnected feelings 2. "You gained weight." Some people may be surprised to see this one here. However, one psychologist is sharing it because the people in the back haven't gotten the memo that this thought should never be said out loud, even if you think you're "trying to help someone get healthy.""Even if it feels like a casual observation or a well-meaning comment, pointing out someone's body changes can be deeply hurtful," emphasizes Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "It can bring up feelings of shame or insecurity. Unless someone invites that kind of conversation, it is best to keep it to yourself."Related: 3. "That outfit doesn't look great on you." See also: "I'd ask for a different haircut next time." While you may think you're providing constructive advice to help a person's true beauty shine, these comments can make someone feel self-conscious."Anything that qualifies as blunt commentary concerning someone's appearance can cut deeper than intended," Dr. Schiff says. "There are kinder ways to communicate this if it is necessary. If it's not harming anyone, you should ask yourself if saying it really serves a purpose beyond judgment." 4. "You're just like your " Dr. Schiff says this one can be a compliment, but she often hears it come up in conflicts as a way to bring another person down a peg."You are weaponizing a family trait as a flaw, and this might be worth exploring privately in therapy, but it is only going to cause defensiveness rather than insight when used in a tense conversation or fight," she if you are using this phrase as a compliment, it's best to ensure that you know the other person has a solid relationship with the family member in question. Otherwise, it may not land as intended. 5. 'I don't like your partner.' Again, this one may be valid and offered as a well-meaning insight to help a person find someone who values them. However, it's not the most useful way to approach the situation."Sharing your dislike for someone's significant other can feel like an attack, especially if the relationship is serious," Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains that this comment can trigger tension and cause a person to distance themselves from you. A key caveat: It is important to address concerns about safety and emotional harm. However, there's a way to do that—and it's not within earshot of others."If it really needs to be shared, it should come from a place of care and be discussed gently and privately," he 6. 'I wish I had your life.' It's not the compliment you think it is. Dr. Lira de la Rosa warns that this phrase can miss the mark because the other person may have obstacles you can't see. "Everyone has challenges, even if they are not obvious," he reveals. "This kind of comment can make someone feel unseen or pressured to maintain a perfect image." 7. "Who else would put up with you?" You may say it with a tongue-in-cheek intent, but Dr. Schiff warns this one lands in all the wrong places in someone else's head. She says it can make a person feel unworthy of love and connection, especially if it's a phrase you use often."If you are thinking this often, it might be time to reassess the relationship dynamic with professional help," she explains. 8. "You're overreacting." Maybe, maybe not. Either way, no one likes to be on the receiving end of this invalidating comment."This phrase can shut someone down emotionally," Dr. Lira de la Rosa shares. "Instead of helping, it usually leads to more frustration or withdrawal."What would help? Asking a person how they are feeling and listening—sans 9. "At least it's not worse." This phrase is often a well-intentioned attempt to comfort someone. However, Dr. Lira De la Rosa warns it can feel dismissive—people want empathy and support in challenging moments rather than a reminder that life could be harder. Remember, it could always be worse, but that doesn't mean a situation isn't pretty bad for someone else."A simple 'I'm here for you' goes much further," he points 10. 'I could never do what you do." Dr. Lira de la Rosa says this phrase is often delivered as an attempt to build someone up. However, it can have the opposite effect."It can unintentionally make the other person feel different or isolated," he explains. "For example, if someone is caregiving or handling a stressful job, they may already feel overwhelmed. Instead of focusing on how you could not do it, try asking how they are managing and offering support."Related: 3 Tips for Deciding What To Say—And What To Keep to Yourself 1. Pause before speaking A simple breath or count to 10 can do wonders when figuring out whether or not you should say something out loud. While you're counting, Dr. Lira de la Rosa suggests asking yourself, "What am I hoping will happen if I say this?""That small pause gives you time to respond with intention instead of reacting automatically," he 2. Notice patterns in your communication No one says the precise right thing all the time, and everyone makes mistakes. However, consistently inserting your foot into your mouth can reveal a need to develop a stronger filter."Pay attention to situations where you tend to say things you later regret," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "Are you trying to lighten the mood? Fill an awkward silence? Feel more in control? The more aware you are of your habits, the easier it becomes to make a different choice next time." 3. Ask this key question There's honesty, and then there's acting casually cruel in the name of being honest (as Taylor Swift sings). Dr. Schiff shares that this one question can provide clarity."Ask yourself if what you're about to say is helpful or just true," she recommends. "Prioritize compassion over the urge to unload every raw observation." Up Next:Sources: Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor 10 Surprising Thoughts Psychologists Warn You Should Never, Ever Voice Out Loud, and Why first appeared on Parade on Aug 14, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 14, 2025, where it first appeared. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
a day ago
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Ghosting: The modern dating dilemma
Ghosting: The modern dating dilemma You're staring at your phone screen. It's been hours, maybe days. The last message you sent sits unopened. There's no reply, no read receipt, just … silence. This is the experience of digital ghosting, when someone cuts off all communication suddenly with zero explanation, leaving the other person bewildered, anxious, and often hurt. These days, most conversations happen through texts, DMs, and dating apps, so it's no surprise that ghosting is everywhere. But even though it might feel like just ignoring someone, ghosting carries a bigger emotional weight for many people. Being ghosted can leave you feeling stuck in limbo, questioning what went wrong, and struggling without closure. Ghosting isn't some passing phase, and it says a lot about how technology is changing how people handle relationships. From the way people process rejection to how they hold each other accountable, it's changing the rules of connection, romantic or otherwise. In this article, Spokeo explores how digital communication is changing how we connect and disconnect in today's world. Defining ghosting in the digital age Ghosting is broadly defined as the unilateral end of communication between two people. It can be a temporary or permanent action that people use to exit a relationship. Ghosting is a modern form of emotional withdrawal. It's made possible by digital connectivity and the ease of blocking, muting, or simply ignoring messages. Though the term originated in the dating world, its application has grown. Ghosting now occurs on dating apps, text threads, social media DMs, and even in professional emails and Slack channels. Unlike traditional breakup strategies that require some level of interaction, digital tools allow someone to disappear with minimal friction and zero obligation to explain why. Ghosting removes not just the person, but the potential for dialogue, often replacing closure with confusion. By the numbers: How common is ghosting The stats on ghosting paint a clear — and pretty rough — picture. About 74% of people have been ghosted at least once while dating, and half admit they've ghosted someone themselves. It's even more common among younger adults: 84% of Gen Z and millennials say they've been ghosted. Ghosting isn't confined to any one region, either. However, certain cities experience it more than others. According to a NumberBarn study, Washington, D.C., reported the highest ghosting rate at 76%, followed by Tampa, Florida (73%) and San Francisco, California (68%). Among dating app users, the average user has ghosted people 3.65 times, while the average ghostee has been ghosted 2.39 times. Digital dating appears to create an environment where people feel little pressure to maintain courtesy or provide closure. Scope beyond dating While ghosting is often framed within the context of dating, its reach extends much further. In professional settings, 'job ghosting' is increasingly common. Candidates who stop replying after interviews or employers who cut off communication mid-hiring process are prime examples. However, it is not just potential employees who are the problem. reports that about 80% of hiring managers surveyed said they've ghosted candidates, stopping communication during the hiring process without providing a reason. Ghosting also shows up in friendships. Someone you used to talk to every day might slowly stop responding to texts or withdraw from group chats, eventually disappearing entirely. Among Gen Z and millennials, friendship ghosting is particularly prevalent. The Thriving Center of Psychology reported that one in two Gen Z and millennials have been ghosted by a close friend. This has happened to more Gen Zers, as well as more often to women than men. In each context, ghosting represents a lack of communication, but also a broader shift in how people handle conflict, discomfort, and emotional labor. The psychology behind ghosting: Why people disappear People ghost for all kinds of reasons, but a lot of it comes down to how they handle conflict and stress. In a study by NumberBarn, half of the respondents said they ghosted to dodge confrontation. Another 21% cut off contact when they sensed toxic behavior, and 8% did it because they just weren't feeling enough interest or effort on either side. But it's not always that simple. Behind those reasons are deeper patterns, like how we cope, what we fear, and how we protect ourselves emotionally. Ghosting offers an easy out. It's convenient. In a world where mental bandwidth is stretched thin by endless messages, obligations, and information, people often choose emotional self-preservation over awkward conversations. Simply ignoring someone becomes a form of stress relief, albeit a socially damaging one. As the Trauma and Mental Health Report puts it, ghosting can sometimes be a form of protection for a person's mental health. People might be dealing with anxiety, PTSD, or past abuse. For them, cutting contact can feel safer than risking conflict — especially if previous online connections raised red flags that might've warranted a background check in the first place. In those moments, disappearing feels easier than opening up and possibly getting hurt again. In another recent study, psychologist Dr. Alexander Alvarado introduced the concept of reciprocal ghosting, in which both people silently pull away, either consciously or unconsciously, to avoid potential rejection. Often, both parties may interpret silence as mutual disinterest. In the same study, nearly one in three people cited mental health as a reason for ghosting. So, sometimes, ghosting is not about the other person at all and shouldn't be taken personally. The ghoster may just be feeling emotional overload or an inability to cope at the time. The emotional toll of being ghosted Ghosting — a sudden end to communication without explanation — can leave lasting emotional scars. While often dismissed as a modern dating trend, its psychological effects can be profound and far-reaching. When someone is ghosted, the absence of closure can spark immediate confusion and self-doubt. According to the Newport Institute, Research shows that ghosting negatively impacts mental health for both the ghoster and the 'ghostee.' And it can have both long-term and short-term effects. While ghosting may relieve stress for the ghoster, it can sometimes have serious consequences for the ghosted. According to a University of Brighton study, Ghosting and coercive control were both linked to increased feelings of paranoia, while gaslighting was found to be associated with symptoms of depression. These effects remained even after accounting for people's age, income, and individual personality traits like rejection sensitivity and intolerance of uncertainty, two traits also strongly associated with poor mental health. As for long-term consequences, the majority of single people (80%) say that ghosting makes dating more stressful. After you've been ghosted, it's common to second-guess your instincts, worry about misreading signals, or fear that it might happen again. That sense of emotional uncertainty can make future relationships feel riskier and more fragile, especially if communication suddenly drops off. Over time, this can chip away at trust, increase anxiety, and make it harder to form secure, confident connections with new partners. The digital evolution: How technology changed communication norms The ghosting phenomenon cannot be separated from the evolution of communication technology. In the past, ending a relationship involved at least a phone call or, more commonly, a face-to-face conversation. There was accountability. Feelings had to be confronted. Even breakups via handwritten letters allowed for closure and explanation. But with the rise of texting, instant messaging, and dating apps, that accountability has eroded. People now maintain relationships through apps with built-in escape hatches: block, unmatch, mute, or archive. Conversations disappear with a swipe, and so do people. According to Delta Psychology, this shift fosters a culture where ghosting is perceived not as rude but as normal. Consider that 30% of U.S. adults have used dating apps, and 53% of people aged 18–29 use them actively. Add to that the average of 50.9 minutes per day spent on these platforms, and it's easy to see how emotional detachment becomes a coping strategy. With so many options and ongoing conversations, digital fatigue sets in. Ghosting becomes a way to prune social interactions, albeit somewhat thoughtlessly. Demographics and patterns: Who ghosts and who gets ghosted? Demographic trends offer further insight into ghosting behavior: Gen Z is the most likely to ghost, with 77% admitting to it, compared to 61% of millennials. Each one-year decrease in age increases the likelihood of ghosting by 1.08 times. Gender makes a difference when it comes to ghosting. Women are more likely to ghost than men, and they're also more likely to feel okay about it afterward. In fact, 91% of women feel relieved after doing it, not regretful, compared to 80% of men. Sexual orientation appears more correlated with app usage and, thus, ghosting exposure. According to Pew Research, 51% of LGBTQ adults use dating apps, compared to just 28% of straight adults, possibly leading to more frequent ghosting experiences in queer communities. For safety and peace of mind, some users proactively run a people search on new matches before getting too emotionally invested. In professional contexts, one in six people admitted to ghosting potential employers, and one in four have ghosted a workplace by quitting without notice. Ghosting also happens frequently in friendships, with 50% of adults saying they've been ghosted by close friends before. The takeaway: Ghosting is no longer just a dating trend — it's a tool for everyday life. Solutions and healthy communication alternatives So, how do we put an end to the culture of ghosting? Experts recommend: Saying it straight. Marriage and family therapist Lindsay Huckaba recommends being honest about incompatibility or lack of interest instead of going silent. Setting boundaries early. Let people know how you like to communicate. It keeps things clear from the start. Keeping it short and kind. A quick, honest message gives both people closure without dragging things out. For those who've been ghosted, healing starts with self-care. And that begins with the ghosted party re-framing the experience as a reflection of the ghoster's limitations, not their own. Institutional and platform solutions Social media and dating platforms could also bear some of the responsibility. Features like delayed message reminders, check-in prompts, and clear communication tools could encourage users to resolve conversations rather than abandon them. Creating a digital culture of psychological safety — where people feel supported in expressing emotions — could shift behavioral norms. Perhaps more empathetic user design and in-app etiquette prompts could help reduce ghosting rates. The future of digital communication ethics As ghosting becomes normalized, we face a critical question: Can we balance convenience with empathy? More than half of the people (58%) would prefer an honest message to being ghosted, but at the same time, 75% accept ghosting as a common feature of modern dating culture. This tension suggests the need for new norms that prioritize both personal boundaries and emotional respect. Digital literacy must now include relationship skills, from handling rejection with care to exiting interactions with dignity. As online communication continues to dominate how we connect, it's time to establish values that prioritize empathy alongside efficiency. Moving forward: A call for conscious communication Ghosting feels easy, but it usually stings. As more of our relationships play out on screens, clear communication matters more than ever. No need to dust off your stationery. Just take a second, think about the person reading your message, and speak plainly. Choosing honesty over silence could help your relationships and create a happier, more emotionally aware online culture. This story was produced by Spokeo and reviewed and distributed by Stacker. Solve the daily Crossword
Elle
a day ago
- Elle
Can Taking an ‘Offline Summer' Recharge Your Style?
Style Points is a column about how fashion intersects with the wider world. Back when modems made banshee-like noises and webpages took full minutes to load, the internet was already driving fashion. Whether it was the dawn of e-commerce, the rise of street-style blogs, or the rabbit hole of niche designer forums, being online became a periscope out of the limited 'real' world. Later, logging on to Lookbook or Tumblr was a way to find the community you were lacking in your small town. And now, while it remains an IRL medium, everything happening in fashion really happens online, whether it's TikTok microtrends or Substack essays decrying TikTok microtrends. The physical world's surrender to the digital realm is something of a done deal. But what if that's no longer the case? Along with a rise in analog-ophilia—film photography is back, print books have triumphed over Kindles, tactile hobbies are offering an antidote to screen time—has come a nostalgic mode in fashion. New independent print publications are springing up and luxury houses are paying homage to literary figures. Fashion magazine and book archives (like the recently opened Library 180) cater to Instagrammed-out creative directors looking for new visual fields to till. Even online, everyone now aspires to be offline, chronicling their digital detoxes and offering tips for looking at your phone less, though they broadcast these messages from their phones, of course. Pinterest declared 2025 to be a 'digital detox summer' after finding that searches for digital detox-themed vision boards went up 273 percent. And being offline is increasingly a luxury, a sign that you're not subject to the whims of Slack or scheduling software. In the same way that, circa 2022, food motifs became a fixture in fashion as a symbol of plenty, time away from your device has become the ultimate flex. It goes along with a broader lamentation of the way social media has led us all to dress the same. Or, as ELLE's own fashion news editor Alexandra Hildreth said, in a statement that has spawned multiple think pieces, 'You can tell someone's screen time from their outfit.' The more you're plugged into the matrix of microtrends, the more it bleeds into your everyday wear, along with styling tics like pairing soccer shorts with ballet flats. If being, as they say, extremely online has such a chokehold on the way we get dressed, what happens when you take the off-ramp? And is there really one? Phoebe Taylor, a YouTuber who has explored these questions in her videos, is, thematically enough, 'vacationing slightly off the grid' when we speak. But even before this sojourn, Taylor often used her channel to think through the intricacies of carving out personal style in a digital-first world. For example, the back-and-forth about male gaze fashion versus female gaze fashion, which she calls 'slut-shaming in a different font,' inspired a video about 'the demonization of sex in contemporary fashion dialogue' and how 'sexy' dressing has become vilified in online style discourse. 'The direction that fashion is going in right now, and I think is particularly a product of it being so online,' she says, 'is that so many of the trends that are considered fashion-forward are heavy in juxtaposition and contrast…almost purposefully incorrect things going together.' (Like the ballet flats with Umbros mentioned above.) That began as a way of proving oneself different from the herd, but now we see it replicated endlessly. Once, we went online to escape the normies around us; now those normies are living in our phones, inescapable. These days, Taylor says, she gets her inspiration from people who don't follow fashion, like 'an 80-year-old man who was in the ice cream line one night, a guy friend of mine who exclusively shops at Walmart and Goodwill and isn't doing the whole 'thrifting for cool trends' thing, and my neighbor in her 50s who has had the same wardrobe for 20 years.' Emulating those who are somewhat out of the loop has helped her feel freer to put clothes together intuitively, rather than shopping from an influencer's link. 'Being online also makes you scared to make certain fashion mistakes,' Taylor adds. 'It scares you away from wearing things because you don't want to be scrutinized by all these New Age fashion rules that are totally outdated ways of thinking about fashion, repackaged into modern dialogue.' Rather than lash themselves to the algorithm, many creators she knows are giving up the game, and 'using that as a reason to just make what they want anyway.' That said, it takes a lot for even an aspiring Luddite to completely disconnect from the contemporary style landscape. Even if you spend the summer touching grass, that online panopticon remains embedded in your brain. Not to mention that 'so much is trending right now that even purposefully avoiding trends is not necessarily going to lead you to your authentic personal style,' Taylor says. 'If you avoid all of them, you're still strategically trying to do something that you might not necessarily avoid if you weren't online at all in the first place. It's hard to find your authentic balance of, 'What trends actually would captivate me enough to want to participate in them if I weren't online, and which ones am I just participating in because I am online?' To disconnect yourself from it in order to be authentic, without also accidentally disconnecting too much to the point where it's not authentic.' If anyone figures out that calculus, let me know.
