Billie Eilish: It's tough being a woman
Eilish shot to fame in 2019 with her debut album When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? which topped the UK Albums Chart. She has since released two further albums and become a household name.
'I had no idea [when I was younger] that I was doing anything fearlessly,' she told Vogue.
'When I would hear people comment that I was only 16 and not fitting in with the stereotype – that I was a rebel or whatever – I remember being really confused because I didn't see it that way.
'I just felt like I was doing what I thought was cool. I was not intentionally trying to break any mould or rules or change music. I kind of just stayed true to what I liked and what I wanted.
'But the older I get, there really have been many periods of doubt and fear and feeling so much pressure, and then when more people knew me, more people had something to say.
'It was hard to remember to trust myself or even believe in myself sometimes. It's still a process. I think I'm doing pretty good. I've also always been very strong-willed and very much myself, so I do think that plays a part.'
The California-born singer is the daughter of American actress Maggie Baird and sang the theme song for the 2021 James Bond film No Time To Die.
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They would reportedly gather to watch her interviews as they were being taped, not wanting to miss a minute of what they called 'the JoJo show'. 'I did love it – that's just who I was,' says Siwa. 'It was the best time in my life. I would give anything to go back to it.' Was she aware of the production around her, the narrative being built? 'I was aware that we were making a TV show, but it was never like 'here's the plan'. I've never been told what to do, or how to be, or what to say, ever.' Other people's experiences of reality TV are different, Siwa acknowledges; but 'for me, it was 100% real'. After two seasons of Dance Moms, Siwa moved the JoJo show to YouTube, devising, shooting and editing all her videos herself. The workload was more brutal than TV, in the absence of child labour protection, but the payoff was higher. These days Siwa is nostalgic for that earlier, prospective era of what's now established as 'content creation'. 'It was so hard to be successful at, but it was unreal fun.' In 2016, she released her first single, Boomerang, which went platinum; she signed with Nickelodeon the following year. Her first world tour, in 2019, sold out more than 100 venues, including the O2 Arena in London. She loved performing, and her career, and never felt forced, Siwa says, but she was aware of the pressure and responsibility. She recalls a moment on that tour, when her stage manager told her: 'You can do the show without anybody; we can't do the show without you … But do not abuse that power.' Another 16-year-old could hear that and run amok, Siwa agrees. 'That's why I am where I am now, because I don't have that blood in my body.' Even as a child herself, she could 'understand why child stars go crazy, because it's really, really hard', she says. 'I think the hardest thing was feeling like you weren't in control of yourself.' By age 15, 'I was running a billion-dollar business. That's something that should never be on a 15-year-old's shoulders – but at the time, it was my normal.' As of 2019, she'd sold 90m hair bows, 'and that was just the bows', Siwa says. 'Anything I did got turned into a doll.' She is embarrassed to give the retail sales figures for her slime kit, 'because it's ridiculous even to think about'. Hundreds of thousands of dollars? 'More. More.' The profits didn't go straight into her bank account, Siwa hastens to add – but she did gain access to a fortune. Jessalynn, as the quintessential 'stage mom', has often been accused of pushing Siwa and robbing her of a childhood – but, Siwa points out, Jessalynn was also working for her. She had the option of cutting Jessalynn off when she turned 18; instead, Siwa insists (somewhat morbidly) that when Jessalynn dies, it will be the end of her career. 'We don't have a normal mother-daughter relationship – but I couldn't do it without her.' She did have a phase of envying her friends' 'more nurturing' parents, Siwa admits, and feeling wistful for what she missed out on: 'Stupid little things like high-school football games, high school …' She would have liked to have gone to medical school: 'It's crazy to me that it's now a more realistic option for me to build and own a hospital.' That sense of her unlived life played out last year, in what Siwa self-effacingly describes as her 'bad girl phase'. After turning 21, she trialled an edgier, more in-your-face image with Kiss-inspired makeup, defiant clapbacks to 'the haters' and drinking alcohol on stage. As child-star rebellions go, it was restrained, even perfunctory; Siwa, too, felt as if she was going through the motions. 'I was laughing about it today, what my makeup looked like – like, 'Dear God, if I could go back in time …' It wasn't authentic.' Even the Fireball shot she downed on stage was actually apple juice and Diet Coke, she says. 'I think I just wanted to be so far away from being a child star, and I look back at that like, 'You're an idiot – being a child star was so fun.' I love what I do, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.' Now Siwa is seeking to channel that carefree freedom with her new single Bulletproof: a sugary yet distortion-heavy spin on Frère Jacques, and an instant earworm. Previously, Siwa says, she released songs she 'didn't fully connect with', believing that they'd be hits; with Bulletproof, 'It just feels right – it doesn't matter the success level of it.' She is similarly uninterested in justifying her present happiness. Her ex, Ebbs, has been vocal since the break-up, but Siwa says she's 'choosing peace' and not to engage with any takes or opinions. 'I've read 50 articles in the last week about me that are not true, that say, 'Sources close to JoJo …' You're never gonna know the full truth – and I can't be bothered to fill anybody in.' She will confirm, however, that 'queer' best 'encompasses how I am, and who I am' – but reserves her right to remain fluid. 'There's a lot of different sexual identities. I think there's nothing more beautiful than somebody discovering themselves.' At 22, it's inevitable, too. The pushback to Siwa's shifting identity (including feelings of betrayal from some in the LGBTQ+ community) seems consistent with the time-honoured resistance to child stars changing their image. 'I do live this very, very big public life that has so many eyeballs on it, and it can get really hard to navigate,' Siwa says. 'But I'm also living a human life. You can't help who you love.' Whether it can be put down to her lifetime in the spotlight or the protective shield of new love (or, indeed, her shiny new teeth), Siwa gives off an armoured quality, like nothing can touch her. She is the happiest she's been in years, she confirms. 'Ever since Big Brother, genuinely. Even my family is like, 'What happened in there?'' She describes lying in bed with Hughes, scrolling on their phones; this morning, she woke up to him singing one of her songs. 'You know when you're alone, how you feel? You are your true, raw self. I've obviously felt like that before, but never around one single person.' As a kid, Siwa says, she didn't distinguish between her public and private selves, on camera and off: 'It was very much one straight-up path.' She even learned to 'look really happy, and fake it really well, and there's something else going on inside'. Now, she says, 'It's the first time in my life that it feels like I'm switched off.' JoJo Siwa's single Bulletproof is out now
