My girlfriend told me she prefers big penises. Now I'm worried I won't satisfy her
Since then, this issue has surfaced again and again. I know it's hard to believe, but we haven't had penetrative sex yet. (Initially, I wanted to take things slow. Plus, she is menopausal and hasn't been feeling sexual much of the time.) We do have other kinds of sex and she says I am the 'best' in this respect. But penetrative sex, for me, is very important. She says I'm 'big enough' and that she is sure I'll satisfy her – but the thought that she 'prefers bigger' is devastating. She says she doesn't understand why she made the original remark. She is sorry, but this doesn't help. I feel I should walk away, but I have strong feelings for her.
It is very likely that this woman was telling the truth when she said she doesn't know why she made the initial remark, but it probably came from her own insecurity. Trying to connect with someone new online or by phone can create a lot of anxiety, so some people present themselves as something they are not.
When any woman talks about 'preferring big penises', it's usually – consciously or not – an attempt to gain power due to a sense of weakness, so it would be wise for you to try to ignore it.
Her words have had the effect of pushing you away but try having a gentle and frank conversation. Hopefully, both of you will get to the point of recognising the other's insecurities and resolve to work on mutual soothing and acceptance.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Daily Mail
31 minutes ago
- Daily Mail
Emmy-winning meteorologist awarded enormous payout after claiming boss intimidated her and gave male co-workers the best shifts
An Emmy -winning meteorologist has been awarded over $800,000 after a judge ruled her former employer had discriminated against her. Meghan Danahey had filed suit against her former bosses at KMOV - a St. Louis CBS affiliate - claiming they caused her anxiety and depression while harming her job prospects. Danahey had worked at the channel for six years starting in 2014 covering weekday weather broadcasts before she said he shift patterns changed in 2016. Around that time the station hired news director Scott Diener who made the changes, handing Danahey's male colleagues her shifts while she was placed on weekends. According to her suit Danahey was also given a general reporting role for the weekdays, something which she had never done before. She claimed that Diener had intimidated her and contacted her union rep to report his alleged behavior. As the suit went through the courts, a jury ruled in April that Diener had not discriminated against Danahey. He retired from the station in June. However in August, Judge Annette Llewellyn ruled in her favor against the station's parent company that the changes were practically a demotion despite no issues being raised over her performance or ratings. Records seen by the St. Louis Post Dispatch say that Diener and others spoke about Danahey in emails, saying they didn't like 'the way they were spoken to' by her. The changes came into effect in January 2020 and Danahey and her female colleague covered seven weather broadcasts a month, their male counterparts did 45. Danahey said that as the COVID pandemic took over the world the male meteorologists were given equipment to set up from him. She said that her and her female colleagues were not given this chance, and still required to come into the studio to work. Following this, Danahey was fired in September of 2020 with the station saying the move was part of a company-wide reduction in staff. Judge Llewellyn said the evidence showed that Danahey's superiors sought to oust her before an arbitration hearing over her grievance she flagged with her union. The ruling said: 'Miraculously, a reduction in force was necessary in September 2020, according to Defendant, which it used as an opportunity to rid itself of (Danahey's) constant complaining and what management believed was her unacceptable way of speaking to them.' Following her dismissal, she landed a new job as a meteorologist in Ashveille, North Carolina, taking less pay to land the job, court papers say. In total she was awarded $326,800 in lost wages, and $4,000 for costs relating to rent and security after moving to North Carolina. She was also handed $425,000 in punitive damages and had her attorney fees covered which totaled $70,040. Her lawyer Jerry Dobson told the St. Louis Post Dispatch: 'It has been a long and hard road for Meghan. It's very gratifying to see she has been vindicated in a court of law.' Danahey had previously won an Emmy award as part of a weather team who covered Charlotte, North Carolina. She is also an Adjunct Professor at University of North Carolina Asheville where she teaches Broadcast Meteorology.
The Independent
an hour ago
- The Independent
Four young sisters rescued from rock in Lake Superior after getting stranded while paddle-boarding
Four young girls aged 8 to 14 were rescued from a rock in Lake Superior after a paddleboarding incident. On the morning of Sunday, 17 August, around 8 am, Minnesota authorities received a call from two concerned parents saying that their four daughters were missing. The four girls had set out from the city of Black Beach in Silver Bay and had gotten stranded on a small island when they lost their paddles. Once they were found by the Coast Guard, they were airlifted from the rock and transferred to Emergency Medical Services nearby. The four sisters are now recovering.
The Guardian
an hour ago
- The Guardian
Is my friend mad at me or am I just insecure?
A friend recently shared a post from the satirical site Reductress. It depicted a woman, arms held triumphantly aloft, beneath the headline: 'She Did It! This Woman Was Able To Confirm That Everyone Was Not Mad At Her!' When I asked her about it, my friend admitted that it was partly a ploy to flush out anyone who might indeed be mad at her. 'The way I deal with it externally is to make a joke about it,' she said. 'And a few people did message me – also sort of in jest, but not really – to be like 'Don't worry, I'm not mad at you!'' I sometimes feel the same heart-sinking insecurity. If I haven't heard from a friend in a while, or their most recent message seemed a bit curt, my mind throws up the question: did I do something wrong? In many ways it's a senseless reaction – I've no real reason to believe I've offended or upset them; they're probably just busy. Yet I can't shake the feeling. Especially if I'm tired, stressed or premenstrual, I can convince myself that my friend actively hates me – and that any evidence that they ever enjoyed my company or appreciated me as a person was fake. I surveyed my friends about the phenomenon, and it seems common. Some act on the insecurity, asking if they've done something wrong. 'It's become a running joke,' said Cat. Others fret, second-guessing their last interaction or reading into text messages. Lauren said that one- or two-word responses, full stops or use of her name put her 'immediately on high alert'. Even reassuring language can set off these fears. 'I actually don't think I could even hear 'No worries' without assuming sarcasm,' said Michael. Why are we so quick to assume that our friends are mad at us – or even itching to drop us? 'When we fear that our friends are mad at us, it feels really convincing,' says psychotherapist Meg Josephson. 'We're trying to alleviate this anxiety, so we seek reassurance – 'Was I annoying? Was I weird?' – but it's not getting to the actual feeling that's underneath it.' In her new book Are You Mad At Me?, Josephson says this impulse is driven by a desire to please and be affirmed. The so-called 'fawn response' is one way we respond to threats, whether real (physical danger) or perceived (your friend taking longer than usual to text you back). 'The fawn response is about appeasing the threat, so that you can feel safe,' says Josephson. 'Your immediate instinct is to be 'Are we OK?' – or to compliment them, or be helpful to them, so that you can defuse the perceived tension.' Less well known than the fight or flight response, it is often developed in childhood in response to critical or emotionally neglectful parents, or a volatile home environment, Josephson says. Women are especially susceptible, being socialised to put others at ease. The fawn response isn't bad; often, it keeps the peace. Yet over time, it can become compulsive, stoking a cycle of reassurance-seeking. We might intellectually understand that a friend isn't upset with us – but those 'old ways of being' bite hard, Josephson says. 'Something was learned: 'I need to try harder and do more to be loved.'' The pattern is self-defeating in two ways. First, it conceives of friendship as conditional, which can 'keep people at a distance', Josephson says. Worse still, assuming everyone is annoyed with you can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 'When we seek reassurance, that can put quite a strain on the relationship.' Lauren, who reads into short text messages, has found this. 'Pressing too hard' sometimes makes the fear a reality: 'I almost always wish I never asked, because it almost always backfires.' The attempted mind-reading and 'anxious rumination' can become exhausting, says Josephson. It also doesn't actually protect you against conflict. 'Sometimes people will be mad at you,' Josephson says. 'They will misjudge you, misunderstand you, misperceive you.' The key is understanding that it is not the end of the world – or a friendship. Sign up to Well Actually Practical advice, expert insights and answers to your questions about how to live a good life after newsletter promotion 'Especially if we grew up in more volatile homes, where conflict was brushed under the rug or we didn't witness disagreement handled in a safe way, we learn to fear conflict' as terminal, Josephson says. 'Actually, in healthy relationships, a little bit of friction is really good, because it means both people can have differing opinions.' Conflict is not only inevitable; it can even be healing, she adds, demonstrating that disagreement or discomfort doesn't have to come at the cost of intimacy. 'Repair is what leads to closeness.' With nearly 600,000 followers across TikTok and Instagram, Josephson often hears how social media worsens social anxiety. The lack of nonverbal cues and other context make it easy to misinterpret the tone of messages. Additionally, 'because there are so many ways to connect, there's also so many ways to feel forgotten,' she says. ''Why did they see my story, but not respond to my text?'' Since the fawn response often registers as a sense of urgency, technology can enable us to act on it. We might fire off a message seeking reassurance against our better judgement. So if your friend sends an unusually short text, instead of rushing to confirm that they hate you, Josephson advises pausing for 30 minutes, or even just a breath. 'Slow down and acknowledge the feeling beneath it: 'Am I anxious right now? What's going on?'… Oftentimes, we find it's just like a craving that sort of passes.' This helps to relax the cycle of reassurance-seeking, and convince 'our bodies that we're safe', she says. 'We're bringing that unconscious pattern into the conscious mind, and that's making a huge difference.' With practice, it's possible to increase your tolerance for discomfort and gain more control over your response to triggers. But you can also try to trust your friends. When they say you weren't weird or annoying, and that they didn't reply because they're busy, tired or distracted – 'take what they say at face value,' says Josephson. More from Why am I like this: I'm an adult. Why do I regress under my parents' roof? My friends made plans without me – is it weird to invite myself? Why do I feel like I'm stuck in a 'waiting room', hoping for my life to get started? I'm disagreeable – and it's backed by science. Can I change my personality? Instead of inventing stories about why they might be mad at you, or seeking reassurance at every turn, trust that they will tell you if – or when – they are. 'It's a way to release control over things that we never had control over in the first place,' says Jacobson. After all, there's no question you can ask, no magic sequence of words you can say that will fix someone's perception of you. Even if there were, you might be robbing yourself of opportunities to grow, learn or deepen a bond. I think about all the times I forgot to text a friend back – it's never because my feelings about them had changed. 'Realising that no one's thinking about us as much as we think they are is very liberating,' says Josephson. But for any of my friends who might have anxiously read this far, I'm happy to put your mind at ease – I am not mad at you. And if you're mad at me – just let me know. Are You Mad At Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You by Meg Josephson is out now
