The importance of ‘third places' in a disconnected world

Mint

2 days ago

A 25-year-old client tells me, 'I spend all my week working from home and then on weekends I'm binge watching, spending time on my couch. Sometimes I order food, I rarely head out. When I was in college, I used to be out every day, meeting friends, making plans. Now I feel lifeless and trapped, I don't know what needs to change."
Another 53-year-old client says, 'I recently joined a dance class, and I can't tell you how alive I feel. The shadow of the pandemic continued to haunt my life. My work is hybrid so I'm at my office twice a week and rest of the days I'm working from my home. I have forgotten what it's like to be in spaces that are neither home nor work. I listen to podcasts, chat with friends online, play on my console and yet feel isolated and unhappy although there isn't any reason particularly to be sad."
Also read: Navigating grief after a personal loss
Over the last decade, and more so in the last two years, my clients have been talking about this feeling of disengagement and disconnection. The thread that connects all of them is that they spend all their time either at home or at their workplace. And this seems true across age groups.
Complicating it is the fact that even at home, people are spending more and more time alone, glued to their devices or eating alone.
My 25-year-old client said that while they order food from the same restaurant, her father, mother and she watch separate shows in their own spaces.
As I hear clients talk about this, I wonder if our loneliness, lack of aliveness, disengagement and lethargy is linked to the loss of 'third places", a term that is attributed to sociologist Ray Oldenburg in his 1989 book The Great Good Place.
Our first place is the place we live and the second place is our workplace/school/college. Using this lens, our third places are spaces beyond these two, which could be the neighbourhood salon, gym, a place of worship, park, bookstore, grocery store, restaurant or community centre.
In the book, Celebrating the Third Place: Inspiring Stories about the 'Great Good Places' at the Heart of Our Communities (2001), Oldenberg writes, 'The nature of a third place is one in which the presence of a 'regular' is always welcome, although never required. Membership is a simple, fluid process of frequent social contact, renewed each time by choice of the people involved."
These are places that offer us familiarity, community, warmth, connection and micro interactions. They allow us a sense of ease, help us relax and offer engagement, either in short bursts or long duration which we can choose.
In my neighbourhood, the dosa place is one of my favourite third places as is the bookstore I visit regularly. Both offer enough opportunities for interaction along with a sense of belonging and comfort, and in a strange way it feels like I can park all my worries, life's agonies at the doorstep and step in to a different world.
I often suggest that clients think about these spaces from a lens of what rejuvenates and energises them. Then look at them from a perspective of shared interests. One client mentioned how she found a third space in the company of friends with whom she started discussing meditation at the park, and another joined a food lovers' community to find connection, friendship and joy.
The road to building long-term engagement, community and a sense of vitality lies in these third places. While online delivery and technology is bringing a massive sense of convenience, it is taking away our social fitness and eating into our third spaces.
Also read: Why strong social connections matter more than ever
Finally, we need to choose and make room for these spaces, even on days when ordering in and lying on the couch feels tempting.
Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. She is the author of the book You Will be Alright: A Guide to Navigating Grief and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.