'I love men in their 40s, what can I say?': Women on the appeal (and red flags) of age-gap relationships

Yahoo

2 days ago

Dating someone decades older is controversial. Some are up to the challenge.
Olive is taking a break from dating for the first time in her adult life. The 29-year-old went through a breakup a few months ago and needs some time to regroup.
'We dated for eight months and it was a fun mess,' Olive — who, along with other women interviewed by Yahoo, asked not to share her last name for privacy reasons — says of her last relationship. The former couple first matched on Tinder 10 years ago, when she was 19, but didn't begin dating until they bumped into each other last summer. Olive's ex is 12 years older than her — but he's also the youngest man she's ever dated.
The idea of dating someone older, particularly when it comes to younger women dating older men, has long been contentious. But recently, the term 'age-gap relationship' has lit social media on fire, with Google searches reaching a peak last month and posts from people in so-called May-December romances racking up millions of views.
Olive hasn't been following the discourse closely, but she's peripherally aware of the surging interest in age-gap relationships. But as someone who has always dated older guys, she thinks the reality is much more nuanced than the controversy surrounding them suggests.
'I've been dating older men since I started dating, and it just kind of became my unspoken brand,' Olive says. 'My friends and family expect it from me, and nobody has really questioned me about it. I have a strong personality, and I can hold my own. I've had to be independent and responsible since I was young, and I don't think a lot of people in my life worry about my choices.'
What's the appeal, and what stops others from dating anyone they deem too old (or too young)? Here, women sound off on dating, power struggles and the ages they consider when scrolling the apps.
'A power imbalance'
Age-gap relationships typically come under scrutiny for lots of reasons. At best, you have nothing in common. At worst, critics point to the dangers of manipulation, abuse or sexual grooming involving vulnerable young people under the age of consent. Having been in an age-gap relationship herself, 28-year-old Christine now sees any such situation involving a person under the age of 25 as a red flag.
Christine was 24 when she dated a man in his 40s for a few months, and she found the dynamic to be increasingly strange. 'I asked, 'Who's the [youngest] person you've ever dated?' He said 23. But then his answer changed to 'a mature 18.' And that red-flagged me.'
The lie made her feel misled, and she says the experience impacted her perspective on young people dating someone significantly older. (She also made a point of dating someone her exact age for her next relationship.)
'My theory is that the age gap matters less the older you get,' Christine says. 'But age-gap relationships when you don't have a fully formed frontal lobe — like your long-term cognitive reasoning hasn't chipped in yet — create a power imbalance.' People who have a pattern of dating people several years their junior also make her wary. 'If you can't date people your own age, there is a problem,' she says. 'If you have to have a certain amount of years on someone in order to find 'love,' maybe you're not looking for love.'
Olive says she also asks men early on how young they typically date, which helps her assess when a situation feels inappropriate. But usually she doesn't face a lot of criticism for her romantic life. Living in a place like New York City often means that she isn't given any strange looks on the street when out with an older love interest.
But that's not to say there hasn't been any judgment. 'I feel like I've experienced the most judgment from women a similar age to who I've been dating,' Olive says. 'And it's not out of concern for me or my well-being.'
Grace, 30, is currently in a relationship with Kelly, 23. She tells Yahoo that she did feel judged by her friends at first for dating a woman who is so much younger — that is, until they saw the couple interacting. 'I am actually the more emotionally 'younger' one,' Grace explains. 'My younger partner wears the pants in the relationship, and I make sure it is set that way since I am hyperaware, subconsciously or not, that I am the older one.'
She thinks that issues in an age-gap relationship arise when the younger partner isn't aware of the power dynamics and hierarchy that can occur when there is a difference. Early on in her relationship, Grace made sure to address the age difference, which helped dispel any discomfort. But she sees that being more of a consideration in lesbian relationships like her own. 'Men don't think about this,' Grace says.
Olive agrees that dating someone significantly older comes with a power imbalance, but it's one she's equipped to handle. 'You have to be extremely aware, self-embodied, smart, understand the power dynamics, advocate for yourself and have control of what's going on,' she says. 'I think a lot of people can get swept up in the fantasy of an established man who has a nice house and pays for everything and will take care of you. But you have to be an active participant in the relationship and be fighting to have an equitable power dynamic.'
A no-go
Tanya, 33, hasn't been in a relationship with anyone more than three or four years apart in age from her, which she doesn't really consider an age gap. Her dating app filters have more range, however; she's open to meeting anyone between 30 and 43. Like Christine, she considers anyone under 25 a hard pass. 'That's a very young, mostly uncooked brain,' she says. 'We all think we're so mature and capable of so much at that age, and now that we're older, we realize, Oh, no, that was just the usual 20s arrogance and disillusionment.'
Kanika, 27, thinks that a lot of the hand-wringing around people in age-gap relationships is overblown, so long as both parties are above the age of consent. 'I think age-gap relationships are pretty normal in everyday life,' she says. 'Lots of people have an eight-year distance between them and their partner and acknowledge that.'
Kanika's last situationship was a year younger than her, but she typically dates people marginally older — usually men between the ages of 30 and 41 (her dating profile is currently set between 26 and 41). 'Even though men tend to be idiots regardless of their age, [older men] at least know what a date should be, aka asking me out properly and getting to the point,' she says.
Sharon, 26, prefers to date someone her own age. 'I just think being in a relationship with a large age gap basically takes away what I think is the best part of being with someone, which is going through life and figuring things out together as a joint effort,' she says.
Facing the future
That's something that Olive has struggled with. On the one hand, being with older men has allowed her to experience some of the life milestones she sees in her future — things like raising kids, owning property and having financial security. Prior to her last relationship, she spent four years with a man 20 years older than her. 'He had two kids and was very freshly separated from his wife of 10 years,' she says. 'During COVID, having a giant apartment to go to was quite the respite. Not having to think about paying for anything we did together. He had a car. It all felt very indulgent. And [because he was] a parent, he was so, so patient with me, and I was able to work through a lot of personal developments and grow a lot as a partner.'
But he wasn't able to prioritize Olive over his ex, and she felt as though she was constantly fighting to be included more in his life. She enjoyed spending time with his children and felt shut out whenever she was barred from going to basketball games, dance recitals or birthday parties. Their mother refused to acknowledge Olive's existence. 'It often felt like I was hiding or in secret — I termed it 'mistress mode' in our relationship,' she says. Ultimately, the relationship ended when he agreed to move to another country with his ex-wife without telling her. 'That was just the universe's last kick in the butt for me to get out of there.'
Despite that experience, Olive says she doesn't feel as cherished by a man her own age. She'd rather not date someone less settled — a guy with roommates, say, or anyone she has to 'teach ... everything.' At the same time, she knows that younger guys might be more willing to go through important life milestones alongside her, which is why she's been making an active effort to 'close the gap.' It's been a struggle, since she still finds herself swiping left on everyone whenever she lowers her age range on dating apps.
'I love men in their 40s, what can I say?' she laughs. 'But I want kids, so I have been trying to date younger.'
Solve the daily Crossword