5 Subtle Signs of Resentment—and How To Let Go, According to a Psychotherapist

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5 Subtle Signs of Resentment—and How To Let Go, According to a Psychotherapist originally appeared on Parade.
It's a fairly universal experience to deal with annoyances throughout the day—whether it's from specific situations or certain relationships. But there are times when we're not just talking pet peeves and minor frustrations, we're talking resentment and holding grudges. This next-level irritation can take short-term disappointment and turn it into long-term bitterness before you know it.Fortunately, Meg Josephson, LCSW, psychotherapist and author of Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You (released August 5), shares exactly how to let go of resentment, and points out five subtle signs of it to look out for in your marriage or other close relationships.Some people may struggle with feeling like it's not a "nice girl behavior" to address an issue or be confrontational with a spouse/partner, colleague, friend or family member. But communicating a boundary or sharing "you've hurt me" can actually benefit both you *and* the person you're speaking with, by allowing your vulnerability to bring you closer together. But even if you don't feel comfortable bringing someone else into a conversation like this, Josephson explains that releasing anger and resentment is still absolutely possible. Related:
What Is 'Resentment,' Exactly?
"I think of resentment as a messenger, a little piece of information that is saying, 'Hey, slow down. Something isn't right here,'" Josephson says. "Your needs aren't being met, or you're not being heard, and something needs to shift."The key is paying attention to that little messenger."When we can practice acknowledging resentment, we see that it's like our other emotions in that it's fleeting, and once we address it, will often pass or at least come in waves," she explains.Related:
How Is Resentment Different from Holding a Grudge?
"Holding a grudge, on the other hand, often manifests when we don't address the resentment, either with the other person or we're continuing to ignore it within ourselves," Josephson shares. "Holding a grudge means the resentment is stuck, we're clinging onto it and letting it fester."Fortunately, we don't *have* to cling to it in a negative way. Instead, it can help us learn and grow and adjust our expectations, if needed."We can remember the pain and allow that to inform how we want to be in relationship to the other person—and that doesn't have to mean we're holding a grudge," she continues. "There can be an objective neutrality to it."Related:
5 Subtle Signs of Resentment To Look Out For, According to a Psychotherapist
1. Fake arguments
"[This is] the biggest and sneakiest one!" Josephson reveals. "It's a sign that the anger is becoming strong and needs somewhere to go. If we can't talk about it with the other person—either because we genuinely can't have a productive conversation with them, or because we're scared to—the anger will find another way to manifest."Related:
2. Talking behind someone's back/venting about someone constantly
"[This is] another way for the anger to go somewhere, and [it 's] often a sign that a need isn't being met," she shares. "These are maybe the things we wish we could say to the other person."Related:
3. Saying yes and immediately feeling annoyed about it
"It can be helpful to ask ourselves: 'Why am I saying yes? Is it because I want to or because I'm trying to please the other person and avoid discomfort/disappointment?'" Josephson explains.Related:
4. Feeling stingy or selfish
This can look like "noticing yourself not wanting to be generous because the relationship is feeling imbalanced, like you're giving giving giving and it's not reciprocated," she explains. "In a relationship where our needs are getting met, generosity flows and we're not thinking about it transactionally. When we start to feel that way, it's usually something to pay attention to."Related: 7 Warning Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship, According to a Therapist
5. Bodily tension
"Do you feel tightness and heat in your body when you agreed to do something with this person? Are you clenching your jaw? Our bodies often hold the emotions that we aren't processing," Josephson shares.Related: 11 Common Signs You're 'Parenting' Your Partner, According to Psychologists
Is It Important To Let Go of Resentment?
"What I find helpful is, instead of forcing ourselves to try to let it go, focus first on acknowledging it," Josephson tells Parade. "When we allow the emotion to be there when it arises, that practice allows the emotion to pass through us more quickly. We can have curiosity about the resentment: 'What is this telling me about this relationship?' When we've received and heard the message that the resentment is telling us, the need for the resentment fades. Often we try to 'let go' of our resentment but it's really us just shoving it away or ignoring it. Letting go comes with acknowledging it."Related:
How To Let Go of Resentment
You can use Josephson's "NICER technique" to successfully release resentment. She explains how it works:
"Notice the resentment as it arises.
Invite it to stay—it's allowed to be here.
Have some curiosity around it: What is this resentment telling you? What triggered it? Is there a need of yours that isn't being met?
Embrace the emotion, without trying to shove it away, let it be there and thank it for communicating to you. And then, instead of going in circles with resentment, we can shift our focus back to what's real and true right now. 'Now what? What can I do with this information? What is in my control and what's not? Do I need to set a boundary with this person or is that not possible in the context of this relationship? If it's not possible, can I instead just acknowledge the resentment internally and let it be okay that it's there?'
Then notice the difference between sitting with the resentment versus sulking in it. Once the emotion passes, the mind may still be torturing you by bringing you through old scenarios and replaying everything. That is the sulking. Notice if you're still ruminating on the stories after the emotion itself has passed."
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Meg Josephson, LCSW is a full-time psychotherapist with over five hundred thousand followers and millions of likes across social media platforms, and author of Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You. She holds a Master of Social Work from Columbia University with a concentration in clinical practice and received her meditation teacher certifi­cation from the Nalanda Institute in New York City.
5 Subtle Signs of Resentment—and How To Let Go, According to a Psychotherapist first appeared on Parade on Aug 7, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 7, 2025, where it first appeared.
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