The 'toxic' new dating trend that is leaving romantic hopefuls 'blindsided'

Daily Mail​

2 days ago

A new toxic dating trend dubbed 'banksying' is leaving romantic hopefuls 'blindsided'.
Considered 'worse than ghosting' by prominent online break-up expert Amy Chan, whose recent TikTok video on the trend racked up 200,000 views, banksying is named after mysterious street artist Banksy.
The artist, believed to be from Bristol, is known for works that seem to appear out of nowhere, regularly disappear and sometimes even attempt to self-destruct - leaving fans and critics bemused, shocked and confused.
And, when banksying takes place in a romantic relationship, the person who's on the receiving end is left in a comparably bewildered state.
'Banksying is when someone blindsides their loved one with a sudden breakup, often after secretly planning it and emotionally detaching for weeks or months,' therapist and founder of Thought Reader Phil Macleod told the Daily Mail.
While the breakup will come as a shock to the person who has been 'banksyed', the opposite is true for their partner as they have been emotionally withdrawing - and, therefore, destroying the relationship - slowly over weeks or months.
Although the person doing the deed would have 'checked-out' by the time they deliver the news, their partner, by contrast, is caught off guard and left bewildered.
'If you're the one being Banksyed, it can be a huge shock,' therapist Phil added. 'Humans need closure - we like to make sense of what's happened - so when that's taken away, the mind can keep going over everything looking for answers.
'This can bring feelings of shock, shame, or confusion, and the mental replay can keep them stuck in the past, making it harder to move on.'
Conversely, for the partner who's doing the banksying, it provides 'an immediate sense of control or relief because you've already processed the breakup privately.'
While it allows one partner to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, it leaves the other in a particularly vulnerable situation.
According to Phil, it can 'bring feelings of shock, shame, or confusion, and the mental replay can keep them stuck in the past, making it harder to move on.'
In this way, banksying appears to be similar to ghosting, but, according to the therapist, it actually 'goes further'.
'It's not just silence, it's delivering a breakup the other person never saw coming, often after weeks of secret planning, and sometimes erasing every sign the relationship ever happened.
'For the mind, it can feel like a form of social exile — one minute you're in, the next minute you're out.
A better way to end a relationship would be to be 'clear but kind'. 'That doesn't mean a long drawn-out talk, but it does mean giving the other person an honest reason why things are ending,' Phil said.
Singletons have also recently been warned against another controversial break-up trend called speed dumping.
Modern dating isn't for the faint-hearted, with trends such as 'ghosting' - where daters disappear without a trace or explanation - becoming prevalent around the globe.
But now there's a new trend that sees people doing the exact opposite and being upfront with their one-time love interest - though not everyone agrees it's better, or, crucially, kinder.
The approach, known as speed dumping, typically occurs within short-term relationships, after a couple of dates or even after the first meeting.
'Speed dumping is a modern phenomenon replacing ghosting,' therapist Phil Macleod told the Daily Mail, adding, 'It is a quick and direct break-up, usually over social media or text message.'
Having decided that their match wasn't for them, the disappointed party will rush to confidently tell the other person exactly that, while remembering to sign off their message politely with well wishes.
An example might be: 'It was lovely to meet you and I think you're a great person. I had a wonderful time with you, but I don't think we're compatible in the long term. I wish you all the best!'
While the move has met a mixed reception online, some have embraced the trend. For instance, one person responded to an Instagram post on the trend by claiming: 'It's called being an adult!'
A second person added in the comment section: 'We're going full circle in learning how to be civil in dating'.
While a third said: 'A million times better than ghosting. A little communication, via text or call, goes a long way.'
Over on global discussion platform Reddit, the 'DatingOverSixty' subreddit took up the subject of speed dumping, with one person admitting: 'I'd much rather get the 'No' text rather than being ghosted. Not hearing gives me anxiety.'
Yet, while it might appear to be an 'adult' or 'civil' approach compared to the more cowardly ghosting, speed dumping has equally been dubbed performative or, more damningly, an ego trip.
Indeed, while these apparently straightforward and gracious messages are considered sincere by some, others see them as defensive or a way of saving face.
Hannah George, a nutrition assistant from New York, explained that while she was in the habit of sending text messages after subpar dates, she was put out by one she received from a man she'd only met once.
The 24-year-old's date didn't simply say he didn't wish to see her again but rather explained that spending time with his family had made him nervous and convinced him that he couldn't be with her.
'I thought it was a little bit too long, you didn't mean this much to me,' Hannah told the Wall Street Journal.
Another woman revealed that she was irritated after having received 'not interested' messages from a string of men she'd been out with just once - men that she had no intention of pursuing anyway.
Brand strategist Fiona Duerr told the publication: 'It's almost like who can get to it first. Why reject someone when they were not even asking to be rejected?'
At the same time, some people online appeared to be repelled by the idea of speed dumping, with one person writing: 'I'm never going to do this and I do not want anyone to do this for me'.
Therapist Phil Macleod believes that, at least in some cases, speed dumping may 'come from a place of deep anxiety, trauma or fear of being hurt themselves.'
Eager to point out that partners in long-term relationships sometimes deploy the same tactic of simply sending a message to break up rather than engaging in a conversation, Phil added that speed dumping may equally indicate 'a lack of emotional literacy'.
He said: 'As society becomes more digitally connected but emotionally distanced, communication has become faster, more transactional, and less personal.
'People now often communicate in short bursts - text messages, emojis, and disappearing messages - rather than face-to-face or through meaningful conversation.
'This shift makes it easier to send a quick goodbye than to engage in a difficult dialogue.'
Highlighting the fact that humans crave closure 'and like everything to be emotionally tidy,' he argues that speed dumping skips over that completely.
He added: 'From a therapeutic standpoint, it reveals a troubling lack of emotional literacy. We aren't being taught how to end things with empathy - or how to have difficult conversations.'