At its worst, modern dating mistakes trauma bonding for love: Lessons from Netflix's Too Much

Indian Express

2 days ago

There is a scene in Netflix's Too Much where Jessica, or Jess, played by Megan Stalter, lies in a bathtub after accidentally setting herself on fire while rage-filming an Instagram story about her ex's current lover. Her body is scorched, her mind unravelling, and her only companion is a little dog named Larry. Then, unexpectedly, Felix, played by Will Sharpe, a quiet, indie musician Jess had awkwardly kissed earlier that night, shows up at the door and stays. The chaos should repel him. Instead, he chooses to help. 'You are too much, man,' he tells her after recognising her red flags at a party later. 'But like… just the right amount. And then a little bit more,' he adds.
While the scene would fit into any romantic comedy, in Lena Dunham's Too Much, it lands differently. It is not charming but disarming. This isn't a story about two people falling in love and figuring life out; it's about two people latching onto each other out of mutual emotional vulnerability. And that is what makes Too Much messy and familiar to anyone who has, unfortunately, been in a trauma bond.
What unfolds over the show's six episodes isn't a love story in the conventional sense, but it is a coping story, dressed in pastel colours and witty dialogue. And the relationship that forms between Jess and Felix mimics many of the psychological traits of trauma bonding.
Jess and Felix share none of the traits of a healthy relationship: compatibility, mutual respect, or common values. They are bonded not through a shared vision for life, but through the fragments of their pasts. Both start recognising red flags in each other. There is love bombing and complete abandonment for days; they come back together, and the cycle continues.
'Trauma bonding is a bond where one person feels an intense connection with the other person who is also hurting or harming them,' Arouba Kabir, a Bengaluru-based psychotherapist and TEDx Speaker, says. 'It is when the same person is hurting you and then comforting you.'
For Jess and Felix, most tender moments are followed by emotional withdrawals. When Jess is vulnerable, Felix shows up only to later pull away. When Felix reaches out, Jess either clings or implodes. The pattern keeps repeating. This emotional volatility isn't just part of the drama but the drama itself. And it is this unpredictability that makes it hard for the couple — and the viewers — to break away.
'Trauma bonding is a very manipulative and abusive connection. It can never be healthy. There is a lot of lovebombing after harm, so it keeps you hooked but not secure. There is no safety. It is not healthy even if it sometimes feels intense or romantic,' Kabir says.
'If you are seeing a lot of highs and lows in the relationship, that is trauma bonding. If you are always thinking that I cannot say this or that, as it would lead to a conflict, that could be another sign. If you keep going back to them despite getting hurt again and again, then you need to ask yourself,' Kabir highlights the signs of trauma bonding.
'And when they give excuses that I had a tough past to justify their harmful behaviour, then it is a sign,' she adds.
In the show, Jess is navigating the loss of identity that comes after a long relationship. She drowned herself in self-sabotage by imagining her ex in emotionally taxing situations, often comparing Felix to her ex, and documenting her breakdown for a private Instagram account. Felix, meanwhile, is struggling with creative burnout, familial wounds, and trauma from being sexually assaulted as a child.
The connection between Jess and Felix is immediate, but it stems from a desire to recreate familiar emotional patterns. As Jess says in a moment, 'Maybe I don't want to be healed. Maybe I just want someone who's wounded in the same shape.'
'Leaving a trauma-bond relationship is too hard because the bond is neurochemical. The brain has become addicted to certain cycles of stress. Hormones such as cortisol, adrenaline, and the 'happy hormones' like oxytocin are released. You get addicted to the cycle of stress and relief. And on top of that, many are guilty because they think their partner is also good to them,' Kabir says.
'I have seen so many trauma-bonding relationships turning into marriages, but they are not healthy. There's no love. But if the couple actively works on healing and setting boundaries, getting out of the co-dependent relationship and replacing that abuse comfort cycle, then such marriages can work, but generally we don't see that happening,' she adds.
Too Much also ends (spoiler alert!) with a traditional 'happy' ending, with the pair getting married. But this has sparked much debate among viewers. Some argued the marriage was impulsive — that the characters needed therapy instead — while others felt it came uncomfortably close to justifying cheating. Though the show doesn't posture as a cautionary tale, it's certainly not a guidebook either. If anything, it shows how easily we confuse emotional intensity with emotional intimacy — how often we call chaos 'chemistry,' and how shared pain can feel like connection, but it isn't the same as love.