Dear Richard Madeley: I've just found out my husband had an affair

Yahoo

2 days ago

Dear Richard,
My husband and I have been married for over 40 years. Recently, I discovered quite by chance that he had an affair about 14 years ago with a woman 25 years his junior. They went their separate ways and I don't know of any other times he's strayed.
Needless to say, I was utterly flabbergasted as I had absolutely no idea anything was going on at all. Since I discovered the affair, I've tried extremely hard to act normally around him but I'm now suffering from low self-esteem, and feeling insecure, anxious and vulnerable. It's undermined what I thought was a basically good relationship.
I am in two minds as to whether to raise this with him – I also don't want to talk to our (grown-up) children about it. Part of me thinks these things happen and he has never been inattentive or cold towards me, so I shouldn't rock the boat or risk other things coming to light – I certainly don't feel 'vindictive' towards him, just hurt and confused. Should I bring the subject up?
— L, via email
Dear L,
Well, well. Quite a conundrum for a Saturday morning.
Firstly, my congratulations on keeping such a cool head. You would have been fully justified in confronting your husband the moment you discovered his infidelity – and I'm sure many of my readers, finding themselves in a similar position, would have done exactly that.
But you have bided your time. You have paused to reflect. Interestingly (indeed paradoxically) it is you now who holds a secret – your husband's secret – and he who is living in blissful ignorance. He doesn't know what you know. That puts you in a position of power, L. The question, of course, is how and whether to use it – and to what end.
And there I'm afraid I must reflect your request for advice about what to do next directly back at you. Not because I'm timid or dodging the question, or at a loss for an answer, but because you and only you, L, can possibly know what will work for you.
The reasons for what he did present an almost infinite list of possibilities. Some explanations are somewhat kinder than others. Was he chasing some notion of lost youth? Was he insecure and in need of validation? Did he simply fall into temptation, come to regret it, and end the affair?
Or is he – as you yourself speculate – a serial cheat? Is he a master of the double life? Is he anything but the man you have, for 40 years, taken him to be? You wouldn't be the first to discover, late in the day, that their partner is a Jekyll and Hyde.
Judging by the tone and content of your letter, with its description of a warm and attentive partner, I doubt the latter, darker theories – although you never know. The problem is that if and when you confront him with his affair, he may simply lie about it and the reasons for it and, frankly, you'll be no further forward than you are now.
The best advice I can offer is that you ask yourself a much simpler question. Can you live with this knowledge if you keep it to yourself, indefinitely? Will it eat away at you? Or would you find at least some catharsis in confrontation, even if telling your husband what you know doesn't necessarily bring you any closer to understanding or forgiving his behaviour?
Only you can answer that, L. I'm so sorry that you should have to wrestle with such a difficult, painful question at this stage in your life and marriage.
Of course, you just cut through all of it and divorce the old so-and-so. Kick him out. Have you considered that? Just a thought.
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