Carolyn Hax: Sorry, Mother, I like our dog sitter too much to share the number
Dear Carolyn: Lowish-stakes question: My new spouse and I have a wonderful dog sitter, whom we cherish and don't want to lose. My parents live about 20 miles away and have two purebred dogs. My mother has always been a difficult, rigid person and has lost a lot of friends over the years because of her anger and difficult personality. (Managing that aspect of my relationship with her is the subject of a different letter.)
Their previous dog sitter, for whatever reason, is no longer available to take care of my parents' dogs according to my mother's increasingly rigid and prescribed rules during their increasingly frequent vacations. My mother keeps asking for our sitter's contact information.
I do not want to give it to her — even if the sitter figures out right away what a no-win situation that is, I worry that I will be tarred with the brush of Mom's Unreasonableness and that may affect our relationship with our sitter. I need a script for refusing my mother's escalating requests for the contact information, something other than 'no,' or ignoring her, or finally telling her the truth about how difficult she is and how giving out that information will have a serious negative impact on me.
— Doghouse
Doghouse: This is a lowish-stakes offshoot to the high-stakes issue, so this minor one will vanish once you find a way to stand up to your mom that is both scalable and allows you to sleep at night.
You said it was another letter, but why not economize.
We've been here before. Be calm and civil; say yes and no when you want to, not when you think you're supposed to; don't let anyone treat your 'no' as an opening to negotiations; and don't engage with any tantrums you set off with a 'no' someone doesn't like.
If that's easier read than done, then therapy is a good place to learn boundaries, or try the endearingly basic 'Lifeskills for Adult Children' by Janet Woititz and Alan Garner.
For the minor issue, though? You can hand the dog sitter your mother's information and let them work it out.
Your sitter might shoot down the gig as too far away. Or really want the business, with a steep high-maintenance upcharge … because with the contact information, you will of course also pass along the intel that your mother has 'increasingly rigid and prescribed rules' for her animals' care. But do be clear that 'if you're not taking new clients, I'll let her know.' Ahem. Or just not taking this one, which is also okay.
We're not even talking about the best reason to say 'Sorry, Mom, state secret': Your parents take frequent vacations. I'm not giving away my dog care if that means the sitter won't be available for my shmoof.
Readers' thoughts:
· The dog sitter question isn't low-stakes, but it is easy. Or was easy, until you continued to dodge your mother forever. All you had to do was say, 'She isn't accepting new clients.' Or, like Carolyn said, give the scoop and let your dog sitter decide. This isn't a situation you need to manage for either of them. It would only tarnish your reputation if you sprang your mother on the dog sitter without any warning.
· Yes, ask the dog sitter, BUT be clear they have your permission to say no up-front or after giving it a try, and that it will NOT affect your desire to hire/keep them.
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