What is 'pocketing' & are LGBTQ+ daters more likely to be victims? Relationship experts weigh in

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3 days ago

Telling your friends about the new person you're dating, introducing them to your family (found or biological), and going Instagram official are huge milestones in modern dating. But what if you start noticing that your new paramour isn't introducing you to anyone in their life, keeping you completely separate from their friend group, and refuses to post about you?
That is the newest toxic dating trend: pocketing.
Dating in 2025 is complicated. People are getting more and more fed up with dating app culture, situationships and hookups are the norm — which can be fun unless you're looking for something long-term — and toxic dating trends like ghosting, floodlighting, love bombing, and banksying have become a dating epidemic.
Pocketing can be equally toxic as these other cruel trends, but it can also be done for legitimate reasons within the LGBTQ+ community, making things even more complicated than they were before.
But what exactly is pocketing, why would someone do it, how are queer people impacted, and what should you do if it happens to you? We reached out to sex and dating experts to break it all down.
So, what exactly is 'pocketing?'
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So, you've been out dancing, watched a Real Housewives marathon together, are having epic sex, and have stayed up all night talking. Everything is going perfectly, except for one thing: They haven't introduced you to anyone in their life.
This is 'pocketing.' Pocketing is a new dating term to describe when one partner avoids introducing the other to their friends, family, or co-workers.
'It can cause many difficult feelings and that you're being hidden. Add our queerness to that and the layers become more complicated,' Anne-Marie Zanzal, M.Div., who teaches an online course called "Maybe I Am Not Straight" to help people find clarity and understanding in their coming out journey, tells PRIDE.
Is pocketing common in LGBTQ+ relationships?
While someone in a straight relationship might wall their partner off from the rest of their life, pocketing is more common in LGBTQ+ relationships.
'Maybe your partner isn't out to their family yet. Maybe they're afraid of rejection—or even real harm—if they reveal they're in a queer relationship. So instead of including you in their world, they keep things quiet, Zanzal explains, saying this can be painful even if they are only doing it because of "fear or safety.'
Anthony Canapi, an LGBTQ+ dating expert and the founder and CEO of Best Man Matchmaking, says that some queer people 'pocket' a new partner because although it's 2025, the world hasn't changed that much. 'We sadly live in a world where people do view LGBTQ+ people and the community as inferior. Because of this, a person who has invited those close to them in to their sexual identity, orientation, or expression may face potential backlash,' he explains.
Someone might also engage in this toxic dating trend if they are dealing with internalized homophobia, are dealing with their family's conservative cultural or religious viewpoints, or are concerned that being open could put them both at risk because of 'prejudice and discrimination,' which can 'turn physical and deadly, Canapi says.
What does it say about how someone feels about you?
Pocketing says way more about the person engaging in the toxic behavior than it does about you. Is it possible that you're kind of a jerk or a little embarrassing, and they don't want you to meet their friends? Sure. But then why are they dating you in the first place? It's more likely that although they may be telling you they want to be in a long-term committed relationship, they don't actually have any plans to make that type of commitment. In short, they're being selfish instead of owning up to what they want out of dating you.
'For the person doing the pocketing, it often just fills one specific need, whether that's sex, companionship, or simply a placeholder until they find someone they see as a better long-term match,' explains Tammy Shaklee, a relationship expert, certified matchmaker, and the founder of gay and lesbian matchmaking service H4M Matchmaking.
But while that may be hard to hear, you're probably better off moving on if those are the reasons they refuse to include you in their life.
And if you're queer, it's also important to remember that they may not want to introduce you to folks because of issues surrounding their sexuality, and you shouldn't internalize that. 'Those who are more private or do not acknowledge their sexuality publicly, pocketing might reflect fear of being outed, rejection, or even display and reveal internalized shame; more importantly, these deeply personal reflections are upon oneself, and not necessarily about you,' Canapi says.
Is it wrong to do to someone you're dating?
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Stringing someone along without ever having the intention of fully integrating them into your life, is cruel. No one should have to feel like your dirty little secret or that they aren't 'good enough' or important enough to you for you to introduce them to people in your life.
'It's really not fair to string someone along if you have no intention of taking the relationship further,' Shaklee cautions. 'The only time pocketing might make sense is if both people are on the same page and have openly agreed that this setup works for them, whether it's just for now or something longer term.'
Under most circumstances, pocketing is unkind and almost always hurtful, but it is a trap that can be easy to fall into, Zanzal admits.
'I remember being out with a woman I cared deeply about, and when we bumped into someone I knew, I was very uncomfortable introducing her,' she recalls. 'I realized that it was about my own internalized homophobia and — it was about me. I wasn't ready to be seen because I hadn't fully accepted myself yet. I practiced 'fake til you make it.' I continued to show up with her and proudly introduce her to the world, my own internal world had to catch up. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but so worth doing.'
Pocketing vs keeping your private life private
Some people lead very private lives and don't share anything about their personal life on social media and don't talk about their love life with coworkers, but it goes beyond privacy when you're getting serious with someone and they refuse to share their life with you or introduce you to people they are close with that are important to them.
'The difference between privacy and pocketing is the purposes and motives behind it,' Canapi explains. 'Is your partner more of a private or quiet individual who doesn't showcase your relationship publicly, but values you in other ways that are sincere and genuine or is their evasive behavior of keeping you a secret that is questionable and that can cause harm to your relationship?'
Is it a red flag if someone is doing it to you?
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While privacy can be a legitimate boundary for some, pocketing is a red flag when it makes you feel unimportant, unacknowledged, and unloved. Being made to feel invisible because of pocketing in a relationship is unacceptable. But what should you do if it's happening to you?
What should you do if this is happening in your relationship?
If you are the one doing the pocketing, be honest with yourself and your partner about why you are doing it. If you are the one being pocketed ask for clarification about why it is happening, and know that you can leave the relationship if you don't get a real answer or are gaslit about it happening at all.
'If you have open communication in the relationship, it's worth digging a little deeper. Is it that they're not interested in building a transparent, fulfilling relationship? Or is there something unresolved that's holding them back? You can't fix someone else, but you can gently help them become more self-aware by kindly pointing out what you're noticing,' Shaklee says.
'Most of the time, our gut instinct wants to protect us, and ensure confirmation, but sometimes it can be anxiety playing with us. Having a genuine, sincere conversation about this behavior with your partner will acknowledge how you feel, if being pocketed is hurting your self-worth or making you feel undervalued, it's okay to bring it up and set boundaries,' Canapi recommends.
If the reason you or your partner are pocketing has to do with still being in the closet, Zanzal recommends seeking out a LGBTQ+-affirming therapist to help you work through the fear and internalized shame.
'Pocketing can stem from fear or survival instincts—but love isn't meant to live in the shadows,' she says. 'We deserve to be loved and love out loud.'
Experts cited:
Anne-Marie Zanzal, M.Div., who teaches an online course called "Maybe I Am Not Straight" to help people find clarity and understanding in their coming out journey.
Anthony Canapi, an LGBTQ+ dating expert and the founder and CEO of Best Man Matchmaking.
Tammy Shaklee, a relationship expert, certified matchmaker, and the founder of gay and lesbian matchmaking service H4M Matchmaking.
This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'pocketing' & are LGBTQ+ daters more likely to be victims? Relationship experts weigh in
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