As a Latina Bride, I Had to Unlearn What Marriage Should Look Like

Refinery29

23-07-2025

Getting married was never part of my vision board. I was busy carving out a life of solo flights, financial autonomy, and career success. When my fiancé and I decided to say 'I do,' it wasn't driven by the need to check another box on life's to-do list. It was because I had found someone whose ambitions matched my own, someone who saw partnership not as surrender, but as two full lives coming together.
A recent study even quantifies what many of us already know: Latinas are more likely than any other demographic in the U.S. to feel bound by traditional gender roles in marriage, 'be beautiful, do housework, and start a family.' Yet here I am — a newly engaged Boricua woman — poised to say 'yes' on my own terms.
Growing up, media portrayed getting married as the ultimate goal, a finish line stamped with a gorgeous white lace dress and endless florals. Every coming-of-age movie seemed to suggest that I, too, should dream of my wedding day first and my career second. But I never felt that pressure from my family. The focus was always to be a fully independent woman, all by myself and for myself, so I chased other markers of success: stamps in my passport, launching my own business, and buying my first property. The idea of spending thousands on just one night struck me as frivolous when my time, and money, were devoted to my ambitions.
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"The focus was always to be a fully independent woman, all by myself and for myself, so I chased other markers of success: stamps in my passport, launching my own business, and buying my first property."
victoria leandra
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Marriage hadn't been on my planner until I looked at the man beside me and thought, 'With the right person, this is something I could see for myself.' It was then that I realized marriage was not a performance of sacrifice or obedience. It could be a partnership of equals, a mutual commitment that honors each person's identity.
As a travel journalist and content creator who genuinely loves to travel, but also makes a living doing so, one of the earliest misconceptions I confronted was the idea that a married woman needs permission to travel. Friends and relatives asked, 'Does he let you go alone?' as if I required his 'okay' to live my life. In truth, he's often on the road for work, and I wouldn't dream of micromanaging his itinerary, either. We plan to run our household on communication, not on permissions. We are two autonomous individuals who choose to explore — together or solo — without sacrificing our independence. I like to think traveling apart also allows us to miss one another.
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"Marriage hadn't been on my planner until I looked at the man beside me and thought, 'With the right person, this is something I could see for myself.'"
victoria leandra
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Another expectation I grappled with was the automatic name change. 'I'm not changing my name,' I told him. And then I suggested something even more radical: 'why not invent a new last name that belongs to both of us?' Even that tiny question felt explosive, a declaration that this marriage belongs to us, and not to the lineage we inherit or the patriarchy.
In Latine households, women typically cook and take care of the kids while men provide. Yet in our home, chores flow organically. We both cook, we both clean, and we both do laundry. We don't default to gendered roles for the sake of following tradition. Instead, we honor each other's strengths.
Weddings can feel like joining a vast family network, where you're not only uniting with a partner but also becoming part of an entire lineage. But I want to start 'our' family, one that plays by our own 'marriage rules,' like choosing where we want to spend the holidays as opposed to defaulting to a particular home. Yes, we cherish our families, but we also set boundaries and prioritize our nuclear partnership when we need to.
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"In Latine households, women typically cook and take care of the kids while men provide. Yet in our home, chores flow organically. We both cook, we both clean, and we both do laundry. We don't default to gendered roles for the sake of following tradition. Instead, we honor each other's strengths."
victoria leandra
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The moment a wedding date is whispered, so too is ' ¿Y el bebé, pa' cuándo? ' — the assumption that marriage comes hand-in-hand with parenthood. But I refuse to let that question define my timeline. When asked, I smile and say, 'Not now, maybe later.' But I've also said: 'Are you helping support them?' It's not news that the majority of the upbringing labor, both physical and emotional, falls on the mother.
From money conversations to career changes, we've asked ourselves every uncomfortable question under the sun: 'Who pays the bills?' 'Who handles the investments?' 'What if one of us wants to move abroad?' By debating these topics, we stripped away the shame around money and power dynamics. Money is not a tool of control but a shared resource that empowers us both. We made decisions together, as equals who respect each other's contributions.
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"As a Latina, I honor my heritage and the traditions that shaped me, but I also choose which parts of that legacy to carry forward. Marriage is not a script I must follow; it is a story we co-write. "
victoria leandra
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In many Latine communities, weddings are grand productions, a way to showcase social standing and family pride. But the size of our guest list or the opulence of our décor is not a measure of our love. Our destination wedding will be a party for our people, not a status symbol for onlookers.
Finally, I've heard countless stories of latent resentment when a wife's dreams were put on hold in service of her marriage or kids. Long before having kids, I've already discussed how we can ensure I don't feel this way if or when the time comes. I have not softened my edges or dimmed my aspirations porque calladita no soy más bonita. For me, marriage should uplift and celebrate our identity rather than erase it.
As a Latina, I honor my heritage and the traditions that shaped me, but I also choose which parts of that legacy to carry forward. Marriage is not a script I must follow; it is a story we co-write. And so I choose. I choose love on my terms, partnership on our terms, and life on our terms. That is what it means to redefine marriage as a Latina today.