Dad With Two Toddlers Sends Off for DNA Test, Results 'Shattered My World'
Newsweek AI is in beta. Translations may contain inaccuracies—please refer to the original content.
A man's world was turned upside when he discovered that he wasn't the biological father to his sons.
Jay Skibbens, from Illinois, already had a sinking feeling when he mailed off two DNA kits. His sons were 15 months and 30 months old, and he suspected he wasn't their biological father.
"Finding out … completely shattered me," Skibbens, 37, told Newsweek. "It also broke into a million pieces the definition I had of being a dad. I really questioned whether I was a dad anymore."
From left: Jay Skibbens reaches out his arms to help his young son from a rock face; and embraces him.
From left: Jay Skibbens reaches out his arms to help his young son from a rock face; and embraces him.
@jayskibbens
Initially, he didn't process the news well. "Anger was the first big emotion to come out," he said. For a year, he directed that rage toward their boys' mother.
But the turning point came when Skibbens realized the anger was eating away at him, not her.
"I was angry because I had put myself in a position where this could happen," he said. "I had only been making decisions out of my wounds, trying to get her to choose me because, if I could get her to choose me, then I'd feel better about myself. So I learned how to feel better about myself, regardless of what she or other people were doing."
Telling his sons the truth was a careful process. Skibbens waited until they were old enough to understand and ensured their mother was ready to answer questions.
And as someone who also didn't know his biological dad, it created a unique bond between the three of them.
"I don't have a model for fatherhood that I grew up with. It's just something that impacts all three of us, by pretty much allowing nothing to be off the table," Skibbens said.
Over time, he rebuilt a relationship with his co-parent. Today, with his sons now 9 and 11, he is their primary parent.
Letting go of biology as the measure of fatherhood gave Skibbens an unexpected gift.
"I've literally been able to create from a blank canvas," he said. "And that's the ultimate freedom, while, at the same time, it has required me to decide for myself each step of the way whether what I was doing was right or enough."
Now, as a life coach to co-parents, Skibbens shared his advice that he often tells clients.
"Immediacy is the enemy. You don't have to respond right away to pretty much anything. Even though it might feel like an impulse or you might feel pressure to answer or defend, nothing requires a response before you process your emotions," he said.
Skibbens' posted four lessons he learned after the DNA test results in a reel on Instagram, which has amassed over 895,000 views and hundreds of comments.
The post sparked three main reactions: admiration for his accountability; affirmation that fatherhood goes beyond blood; and criticism from some men who saw his choice as weakness.
But Skibbens remains undeterred. "I used to think that my coparent's choices ruined my life," he said. "But I truly believe now that her choices helped set me on the path that I was always meant to be on."
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