Nephew's ‘save the date' came after vacation was paid for
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I have always been close to my sister and her family and have tried to be present when I can for important events like graduations. So I feel particularly conflicted about not attending.
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How should I think about this and figure out a plan to move forward?
VACATIONING AUNT
A.
The purpose of a 'Save the Date' is to get on the calendar early enough to avoid these kinds of things and, through no one's fault, that didn't happen this time. So, I think everyone will understand that your attendance just isn't possible without the loss of a significant amount of money.
However, their understanding doesn't necessarily solve the deeper issue: You want to be there, and it hurts not to be able to.
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It sounds like the conflict is about not having a good choice. So, a path forward is to create another option. What are other ways that you can celebrate your nephew and show your love and support before or after the wedding? Perhaps there's a bridal shower you can attend or perhaps you can plan a special visit later once the dust settles.
Talking with your nephew will not only ease your mind but will also help you both to think creatively about how to maintain the connection.
Q.
In response to 'Grateful Son,' who is concerned about his parents' anxiety: My parents developed anxiety as they became older and, like Grateful Son's, their anxiety increased with age. Their anxiety was difficult.
Most troubling to me was that I looked at my parents and became concerned that I was seeing my future. Whether through nature or nurture, I became concerned that I likely received a full dose of their anxiety for my future life.
My advice to Grateful Son is that there may be little that you can do for your parents' future but there is much that you can do for your future. I visited my physician, explained my concerns, and started a very low dose of a very mild anti-anxiety medication.
The first medication that we tried was far too strong, but we found something that seems to be working. I do not want to develop the same anxiety.
Grateful Son's parents may have shown a glimpse of his future and given him the time to create a better future.
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ANOTHER GRATEFUL SON
A.
One of the many gifts of being connected to older relatives is the knowledge of how genetic predisposition can shape our lives.
It gives us empathy for the older adults — and can help us think creatively about remedies or adjustments they're not seeing. It can also help us make informed choices for ourselves.
Q.
I just read your column about the new neighbor with a rooster that wakes the letter writer up at 5 a.m. I wanted to mention that the first thing I would recommend is for them to check their local ordinances.
In many areas, backyard chickens are not allowed. In some areas, chickens may be allowed but not roosters. Is their area even zoned to allow them? If not, they could probably make an anonymous complaint, the new neighbor would have to rehome the birds, and their problem would be solved.
I do like your other suggestions about what to do, but another one would be to get a sleep machine that would help drown out the early morning crowing and hopefully allow them to get some sleep.
QUIET
A.
Great suggestions, thank you! Noise ordinances exist for a reason. Getting help from local government is a great option if conversation with the new neighbor doesn't prove fruitful.
Additionally, a rooster isn't necessary for hens to lay eggs, so depending on what the neighbor's objectives are, the rooster may be happier and healthier rehomed in a place with more space.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
.
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