I want to DM her on Substack
NOT CREEPY, I SWEAR
Related
:
A.
You've already gone back and forth with comments. I think a direct message is fine.
Just make sure you're clear about who you are and what you want. There are ways to say
plenty
in just a few words. As in, 'Your post about squash reminded me of the time my wife and I tried to be vegan for a week.' (I'm pretending it's a cooking Substack thing.)
You can tell her you're not sure about the etiquette of communicating this way, and that you don't want to be weird. Sometimes it's best when people say, 'I hope this is OK! Just trying to be friends!'
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We're all looking for community. If you find excellent people on Instagram or Substack, that's great. Take small steps, keep the communication low-stakes, and if there's no response, let it go.
One more thought: You might find that a few DMs and occasional comments from this person are enough. I read some columnists and listen to a bunch of podcasts, and sometimes I think, 'I could
totally
be friends with this person in real life.' But when I'm honest with myself, the parasocial relationship I have with them is actually enough — and quite lovely. I'm happy to listen, read, like them, and move on. You can also just be someone's very loyal audience, with minimal interaction.
MEREDITH
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:
READERS RESPOND:
Why is this a big deal? I direct-message a few Substacks of different writers and scientists whose work I admire. I've never for a second thought there was anything creepy or nefarious about it. I think it comes down to what exactly you find 'interesting' about this person. There's a world of difference between 'That recipe sounds great' and 'You look great in high heels.'
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EMPRESSETHEL
^Yes, my 80-year-old dad talks to people all the time — men and women, online and on the phone — about local politics in North Carolina and the problems with the cleanliness of the local water. But he knows he's not being creepy, and my mom knows he has these discussions, and she encourages him to keep him busy. It's no secret — and never has my dad worried that he's being creepy. So I think the fact that this [letter writer] is worried could mean something is not quite above board here.
KWINTERS1
As long as you aren't 'secretly' hoping for more and don't hide this from your family, it's no big deal. Maybe make it a point to make sure your wife knows you are doing this in order to be completely transparent.
JSMUS
Related
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I'm confused WHY you want to get to know her better. A friendship? I think you need to tread carefully because you seem infatuated and you're married. I think purposely crossing the line on social media when you're married for no specific reason (for example, it doesn't sound like a professional collaboration) does seem a tad too much. I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you're hoping to achieve.
BKLYNMOM
I would be very interested in what kind of subject matter this woman posts about and the content of the direct messages so far. For example, if you were talking about politics or some niche kind of entertainment you both like that a lot of people aren't that into, maybe that's fine. If she posts mostly swimsuit pictures of herself and you are just kidding yourself that you are only interested in friendship, then stop bothering her. Ask yourself if you are hiding this from your wife. If you are, you're probably a creep.
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LEGALLYLIZ2017
Imagine that your wife is following a handsome young athlete who plays for one of your local professional sports teams. And is proposing to do what you are. How would you like to hear that? Stop trying to kid yourself. Invest that time on IG into your wife (and kids, if applicable).
GDCATCH
I guess I am mildly surprised by all the 'you better tell your wife about it!' comments. Every married person has impure thoughts about people who are not their spouse. It is really weird to confess every random [interest] to your partner! … I mean, whatever. Message her if you want. Get your $50 worth out of that subscription. But understand that AT LEAST 100 other guys are doing the same thing. You are not going to 'get to know her better.' She interacts with people in the comments because that is her job.
STRIPEY-CAT
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