Dear Coleen: Crippling shyness in social situations is ruining my life
Dear Coleen
My problem is that I'm a very shy man when I'm out with other people in social situations and I feel it's ruining everything for me. Life feels like a battle a lot of the time and I overthink every scenario.
The other thing is, I blush a lot, which I find very stressful, as it's obvious to everyone I'm with how I'm feeling inside. Things that other people take for granted feel like an ordeal for me.
For example, if I go out for dinner with a group of people, I'm only able to eat a small amount, as the shyness and the blushing take over and put me off my food. All I can think about is how I'm coming across to the other people.
I live in Ireland, but in two weeks' time I have to travel to England to visit my brother and his wife and family, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and worrying about how I'll cope.
I hope this doesn't seem like a trivial problem for you to answer. I'd be very grateful for any suggestions on how I can cope better.
Coleen says
Of course it's not a trivial problem; shyness is a real issue, which affects your self-esteem and can stop you from enjoying your life to the full. I'm glad you're going to visit your brother and his family and that you haven't backed out because the only way to feel more comfortable in social situations is to keep showing up.
It's important to know that if you're out in a social situation, you don't have to be the life and soul of the party; there are always other people who are very good at that. And when people speak to you, just answer them without feeling any pressure to be funny or outgoing.
Try not to overthink what people are expecting of you because they won't be expecting anything and don't assume they're judging you.
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The chances are, most people won't notice you blushing and, if they do, it won't affect how they think of you.
Also, sometimes it can be good to just own it and say something like, 'I feel shy in these situations', because people will understand, and you might get something back like, 'Don't worry, I find these situations tricky, too.'
I'm shy, which surprises people because I have a job on the telly but, in a room full of people, I'm always one of the quietest because I find big groups quite intimidating. In a small circle, I'm fine.
It's worth having some icebreakers in your back pocket (there's loads of help online). Also, think about cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or hypnotherapy to help with confidence. Most importantly, keep trying.
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