My boyfriend dumped me because his ex-wife won't let him see his daughter while I'm in his life – I'm devastated
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend dumped me because his ex-wife won't let him see his daughter while I'm in his life.
I feel so sad because things were going so well.
We were in school together ten years ago and met at a school reunion.
He remembered me so he came over for a chat. He's 29 and I'm 28.
He said he was married but his wife had recently walked out on him.
He admitted to feeling heartbroken because he has a little girl of five.
I'd been single for 18 months and he was just my type.
He gave me a lift home and I invited him in for a drink, but a drink turned into a kiss and then brilliant sex.
We went on a second date two nights later and ended up back at my place again.
He told me that he couldn't get me out of his mind and said, 'It freaked me out because I enjoyed the sex'.
He said he thought he'd have to be drunk to want sex with anyone else. We then booked a holiday and he had to tell his ex he had met someone else.
She went mad. She stopped all his regular contact with his daughter for six weeks.
Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships
I've never met his child, I've only seen photographs so there was no threat from me but his wife wouldn't have it.
His daughter has been asking him about me when he calls her on FaceTime, so it's obvious that his ex is pumping her for information.
He called me yesterday sobbing down the phone, saying we had to call things off because she's threatening him with never seeing his daughter again.
He wants us to be friends for now. Should I fight for this relationship?
DEIDRE SAYS: His child is sadly being used as a pawn between her warring parents.
He needs time to come to terms with his break-up and set some clear boundaries around access.
Encourage him to find a couple's counsellor and family mediation.
My support pack on Counselling explains more about how to put all of this in place.
If you feel that your relationship has legs in the long-term, give him the space he needs.
Things may feel very different for him in six months, if you're prepared to wait.
Don't hang everything on this relationship, though. You may miss other opportunities that come your way in the meantime, so keep your options open.
LONGING FOR GUY BACK IN MUMBAI
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend had to return to his home in Mumbai to look after his sick mother and since then, I've hardly heard from him.
He's the eldest sibling of five so he has had to make arrangements for his mother's care and make some changes to their family home so that she can be comfortable.
She's 64 and has cancer and they don't know how long she's got left to live.
My boyfriend is 43 and I'm 41. I miss him so much and when I've called, I can never talk to him for long because he says he's so busy.
He's told me he'll be home in a month but I'm going crazy without him. Should I end this relationship or hold on until he gets home and see how things are between us then?
I feel he's checked out.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sometimes life gets in the way of relationships. He's being a responsible son and this is a positive thing – he takes family life very seriously.
He's gone back to do a job and put things in place. If he's worried about his mother's health, he'll be trying to make the most out of the time with her.
He's reassured you that he's coming back so appreciate what he's doing for the greater good and focus on your friends and family while he's away.
Ending the relationship now would leave you broken-hearted so be patient and see if you're both still committed to one another on his return.
DUMPED PAL HAS TURNED TO BOOZING AND GAY SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M so worried about my friend at work because he's gone off the rails since his girlfriend left him for a better-looking guy.
My friend is shorter than average and he's losing his hair, but he's the loveliest person ever. I'm male and 35. He's 36. We've worked together for five years and I've met his girlfriend a number of times.
He always said he was 'punching above his weight' because she's really pretty. Now his chickens have come home to roost – she's left him for a taller, handsome guy whom she met in her gym.
My friend has been constantly drinking every night and he told me today that he's even had sex with another guy.
But he insists he's not gay. It all sounds so strange and I'm worried about him.
DEIDRE SAYS: In a quiet moment you can tell him that you're concerned for his welfare.
Don't become his therapist, though – just listen and if it's feeling too much, encourage him to get some professional counselling to help him.
Explain that you're worried about his drinking too, especially because he may be jeopardising his job.
He may be experimenting with sexual experiences to get some affirmation that he's still desirable.
Boost his confidence by telling him how lovely he is and please pass on my pack Mend Your Broken Heart.
WIFE A BORE IN THE BEDROOM
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife is never in the mood for sex, in fact you can count on one hand the number of times we've done it since we married a year ago.
I thought things would improve but if anything, they're worse. She's 32 and I'm 34.
Her upbringing was strict and we met at church.
She lived at home until we got married and we rarely got the chance to have sex because her parents or younger brother were always around.
We did manage it a couple of times when her parents went on holiday and when we went away for a weekend.
I was longing to get married so that we could do as we pleased, but the rare times we've had sex it's been in the missionary position.
She refused to try anything else.
I've tried taking her out for dinner and she'll have a glass of wine or two which I'd hope would help her relax, but she still isn't interested.
I know I've taken vows and I meant them, but it's nearly our anniversary and I'm so fed-up.
I'm thinking of having an affair with a woman from work who likes me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don't do that. You will complicate your life more if you cheat on her. The chances are, her strict upbringing has made her feel that sex is dirty or only for making babies.
Find a quiet time to talk to her and tell her you love her and you want to enjoy a good sex life together because this is normal and natural.
Ask her why she isn't keen.
Is she worried about pregnancy or does she not enjoy it because you need to improve your technique perhaps?
My support pack called Understanding Female Pleasure is full of information, which you can read together to help her see that sex is part of a normal loving relationship.
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'In light of the recent record temperatures, it is really important to be mindful of the weather and make sure there isn't any dry grass or foliage nearby that could ignite from embers,' he says, 'particularly so if it is windy and there hasn't been any rain.' It is also important to consider the space around the fire pit and allow plenty of room to move around. Keep children and pets away, and always read and follow safety instructions. Are gas fire pits better than wood-burning ones? Gas fire pits have some advantages over wood-burning fire pits; they tend to be easy to use, with an in-built ignition that should light the propane/butane fuel from your connected gas canister (which will be sold separately) at the flick of a switch. Gas produces a 'clean burn' with little smoke or airborne ash, so you and your guests can enjoy the fire without worrying about singed clothing, eye irritation or smoky smells. With that said, for some users, there's no replacing the rustic experience of using real wood on a wood-burning fire pit. If you like the idea of building your own fire and you enjoy a smoky atmosphere, a wood-burning model is the way to go. How do 'smokeless' fire pits work? Smokeless fire pits burn a hard fuel such as wood pellets while producing low volumes of smoke relative to traditional wood-burning models. This type of fire pit reduces smoke by burning at two levels: primary combustion of the hard fuel at the bottom, and secondary combustion of remaining smoke and ashes (material which is not properly burned at the first pass) at the top. The two levels of combustion are facilitated by airflow through the fire pit. Some smoke is still produced, but much of the visible smoke and ash from primary combustion is incinerated. Using a low-smoke wood fuel or well seasoned firewood will provide the lowest attainable levels of smoke. Gas-fuelled fire pits also produce little smoke relative to a traditional wood-fuelled fire pit, so they can be considered as an alternative 'smokeless' option. How long will a cast iron or steel fire pit last? The lifespan of a cast iron or steel fire pit can vary depending on the thickness and quality of the material, as well as on your usage habits, storage and maintenance. Retailers' estimates on the longevity of high-quality models range from around seven years to 25 years and longer. Steel and cast iron are both susceptible to oxidation, and the level of rusting often greatly influences the lifespan of a fire pit. The material will be likelier to rust if it is left in wet conditions or filled with moisture, or if the surface is scratched, dented or otherwise damaged. Try to find out the warranty terms via the manufacturer or retailer. This will guarantee a minimum lifespan, although many cast iron and steel fire pits can comfortably outlast the warranty period given proper care. 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