Dear Richard Madeley: ‘Should we refuse to shell out any more on this wedding?'
Dear Richard
We've got a big family wedding coming up, and between travel logistics, kids' exams and getting time off work, it has been a bit of a mission to arrange everything. It's also cost us a fortune, from train tickets to clothes. Now we have had an estimated bill from the bride's mother for accommodation, which we expected, but also a share of the rehearsal dinner and various 'extras' including local transport costs, which we didn't. (Our son, the groom's first cousin, is DJing at the evening do, unpaid, so the least we expected was for him to be let off some of these costs, which he hasn't been.) The total is creeping up to a point where we would have seriously considered sending our apologies had we known.
My husband says we should just not pay, or pay a 'reasonable' sum, as one is supposed to be allowed to do after a disappointing meal at a restaurant. It's been a while since we've been involved with anything like this so we don't know the protocols, but as far as we knew the bride's parents were doing the heavy lifting, in the traditional way (as we expect to do with our two girls).
To return to the restaurant analogy, we feel as though we have moved to that awkward situation where everyone pays for their own food and the evening dissolves into bickering about garlic bread. It's too late not to go, and we want to support our nephew, but we feel taken advantage of. Must we simply submit?
— Anon, via email
Dear Anon,
This is definitely one of the trickier letters I've received for these pages. I had to read it several times before I could start to work out exactly what's at play here. Even then, I consulted my wife Judy (she's something of an expert on wedding etiquette) before forming this reply.
One. It is, as you say, perfectly reasonable to ask you to pay for your own accommodation costs.
Two. I would suggest that the same applies to the dinner following the wedding rehearsal. It's not as if you're being asked to contribute to the costs of the wedding reception on the day itself. The rehearsal – a recently imported concept from the US, and pretty daft and unnecessary if you ask me – is very much a voluntary occasion. I certainly wouldn't bother going to one. But if I did, and joined in the dinner afterwards, I would expect to pay for my meal, wine etc.
Three. Local transport – by which I assume you mean some sort of coach to the wedding itself, on to the reception afterwards, and then back to your hotel… yes, this does seem a little 'tight' but perhaps the bride's parents are as concerned about costs as… well… YOU are.
But if you remain uncomfortable about these demands, and given you say you're committed to attending the wedding, here's what I suggest. Make your own alternative arrangements. Book your own accommodation. By all means go to the 'rehearsal', but have dinner afterwards somewhere else on your own ticket. Order local taxis on the day to and from all the various locations.
But I'm still a bit puzzled by your letter. Are there other, deeper issues at play here? Some problem in your relationship with the bride's mother? #justasking!
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