Carolyn Hax: At yo-yo's end with supporting friend through cyclic breakups
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I am probably at this point overinvested here, but my really good friend has been in a terrible relationship for eight years now: They break up, friend dumps on me, there's a few good months, they get back together, friend distances from friends, they break up again, etc.
They just broke up again. I am dreading the process but feel like not being there would be problematic for my social life. I am just done with the drama and feel like saying so.
Anyway, can you help me understand why otherwise great people do this yo-yo thing?
— Yo-yo's Friend
Yo-yo's Friend: Not fixing a near-decade problem mystifies me, too, so I'm not sure I can help you understand. You would think they'd tire of it. Or maybe we're both missing the point — maybe they include the on-and-off as part of the whole.
It must satisfy a need for both of them, or else they'd stay apart one of these times. An unhealthy need, or else they'd stay together. So — two unhealthy needs they use each other to avoid fixing. How's that.
As for what to say to your friend this time, now that you're 'done with the drama' and possibly a little salty, I think eight years of getting dumped on gives you standing to speak your mind.
You wrote a fine start: 'I am probably at this point overinvested, but you have been in an unstable relationship for eight years now. You break up, dump on me, have a few good months, get back together, distance yourself from friends, break up again, etc.'
Then maybe just: 'I don't know what to say anymore. But acting like this is normal or okay doesn't seem like the right call. Is there anything else I can do here?'
Like I said, though — this may be their normal. They may be life partners, in their yo-yo way. As designated friend, it might help you to see it this way: to assume there is no 'process' to 'dread' because there is no off or on, it is all of a piece, and to divest from the drama and expect nothing besides seeing your friend when your friend is available.
And don't try to fix anything — just be 'sorry to hear that.'
Dear Carolyn: I live in the East and work full time even though I am past retirement age; I like to work, I'm good at my job and it gives me something to do. I have lots of friends and plan lunches and classes weekly.
Some of my grandchildren live in the West, and I feel guilty that I don't move there to take care of them, especially 9-year-old twins. Both parents work round-the-clock, and they rely on the older kids to take care of the twins.
I don't want to move where they live. However, I feel like I'm being selfish, and they could really use my help; they need someone to pick up the kids from school, prepare dinner, help with homework — a housekeeper. Should that be my job?
— Grandparent
Grandparent: 'Should' you, no, not if you don't want to and you're deeply rooted.
It's alarming that older kids are being pressed into parent duty for youngers, if they're more than just helping out. But it doesn't make sense to me that your cross-country relocation, maybe effectively for good, is the only solution for at most a six- or seven-year problem.
Can you afford to help them hire steady after-school child care? Then you stay above your social safety net, which is so important, and they get responsible relief.
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