Dear Coleen: 'Abusive mum still has big hold over my life and it's hell'

Daily Record

17 hours ago

Dear Coleen
My mother and I have a very strained relationship. She made my childhood hell with emotional abuse and I witnessed her hurting my dad – physical violence as well as mental abuse. I thought the world of my dad, who sadly passed away recently.
I really struggle to engage with my mum, as I find being in her company and spending any time around her detrimental to my mental health. I feel so flat and down whenever I have to see her because it brings back so many bad memories.
However, she is now disabled and in a care home, and I'm her only child, so I feel I have to do her shopping for her or take her to the shops once a week. She has OCD and hates people being in her space – delivery drivers or carers – but she can't deal with technology, so won't do online shopping. I feel it's my duty to do it all for her because she'll make me feel as guilty as hell if I don't.
I'm a mum, so she holds that over me, too, in terms of how I'd expect my own children to treat me. I hate being in this situation – please help.
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Coleen says
I don't think you owe her anything. Her abusive behaviour when you were growing up means she hasn't earned it. However, the question is, can you live with it if you stop being involved and she passes away? Will you regret not getting the chance to tell her how you feel?
Here's the thing, she hasn't been a great parent or role model, but you are, and you've been a good daughter, too. You're not repeating patterns from your own childhood and you should be proud of yourself for that. You've become the person who would have looked after you as a child.
I understand the guilt associated with having a parent in a care home because we had to do that for my mum when her dementia meant she needed round-the-clock care. However, I think it allows you to be more in control of what you're willing to do for your mum because you know her basic needs are taken care of.
It's maybe a chance to talk about what you went through and even get to a better place, but also for you to decide how involved you are. It sounds like she's dictated to you all your life, so now you can set the terms. For example, you could say you'll visit once a week but can't be there 24/7.
You can still help her – but only as much as you feel you can cope with. Good luck.