Getting socked by gang gear in the menswear department

Otago Daily Times

2 days ago

"Good morning. Can I help you?"
"Well, it's a long time since I bought any new clothes. I was actually thinking of buying something to get rid what my wife calls my fuddy duddy image. 'Loosen up, or I'll leave you,' was what she said."
"You've come just at the right time. Here's our new range. It's called Gang Gear. Just over here."
"Gang Gear? Sounds odd."
"It's all the rage but it's all perfectly legal, apparently. So, no trouble with the constabulary. Blazers are back. Are you a golfer?"
"Yeah, it's all that keeps me sane."
"Well. I know golfers wear blazers sometimes. So, what about this one? Traditional black, of course, and look at the badge on the pocket. What a dog! The opposition won't want to meddle with you. That's the MMGC crest, the Mongrel Mob Golf Club."
"Looks a bit violent for the golf course."
"Fair enough. Here's the King Cobra model. Just a mildly unfriendly-looking snake. Of course, every blazer needs badges on the lapel and we stock plenty. Iron Crosses, swastikas, skull and crossbones, daggers, clenched fists, the lot! Your lapels will have more holes than a pincushion."
"OK. Maybe the King Cobra and a fist badge will do just for now, but I'm not sure about the overall image. I'm regarded as a pretty mature, respectable sort of joker."
"No worries. Wear a tie. It bugs me that we sell hardly any ties these days. We used to sell about 50 MCC ties every cricket season. Now, nothing."
"MCC ties? They're London-made yellow and orange silk jobs for members only, aren't they?"
"Yeah, well, we had a crowd in China who made great replicas, but they're sending the Gang Gear ones now. Here's one. Black and blue stripes and an embroidered Rebels gang logo in the middle. You know, that's the one with the Confederate flag and a Civil War-type soldier's cap. Very popular with the young guys."
"Well, I'm not getting any younger. Maybe a lighter-coloured tie with a small skull would do."
"Done. Now, what about braces. They're back. Killer Bees braces are flying off the shelf. Get it? But braces can be a big help when you're putting on a bit around the gut."
"No thanks. Braces remind me of my old grandfather. He was always snapping them and complaining about not having a belt so that he could tan my backside. Very unpleasant memories."
"Belt! Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Over here. Real leather belts and gang insignia buckles to fit. Your granddad could have given you a lot of grief with one of these. You wouldn't have been able sit down for a week."
"Well, the old boy's no longer with us, so I guess a belt would be safe. What buckle would you recommend?"
"There's one here from Comancheros. Some sort of bird. Would that suit?"
"No, thanks. The Comancheros are a bit on the violent side for the golf club. Maybe I'll stick to the rodeo buckle with the steer's horns I've always worn."
"Fair enough. The Gang Gear can be a bit over the top."
"Yeah. I don't know what my wife's going to say all this gang stuff."
"Your wife? She'll like the stuff over here. The Gang Gear Grundies."
"Gang Gear Grundies?"
"Absolutely. Underwear with an underworld theme. Patches on underpants, jockstraps and all that stuff."
"That's crazy. No-one looks at men's underwear."
"You'd be surprised. Wait a minute. The head! I almost forgot."
"The head?"
"Don't you remember the old slogan? 'Use your head. Wear a hat'. It was in all the ads when I was a boy. Over here. Berets, boaters, baseball caps, towelling hats, the works. All with gang logos. There's even one of those German coal scuttle helmets with the gang logo. Take your pick."
"No, it's not going to work. I'll just tell the wife I'm not ready to change into someone interesting. Maybe the end of a marriage, but it'll beat wearing this gang stuff."
"Oh, no. That's awful. Divorced over dress sense! Get something just for her. The home furnishings department have some good stuff. Gang insignia on shower curtains, pillow cases, duvets, even curtains."
"She'd hate that. Let's stick to something from menswear."
"OK. What about something discreet. Y'know, a bit more subtle. No-one notices socks too much but when they do it makes an impression. Try these. Just $9.99 for a pair of Mongrel Mob socks."
"They seem pretty harmless and you deserve a sale having to work in a place like this. I'll take a pair."
"Good on you. I'll wrap them. Hey, when you play golf next time, they'll all be watching your ankles."
"No, they'll be watching my clubs. Those Gang Gear socks are the cheapest golf club-head covers I've ever had."
— Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.