Let's inconvenience some oligarchs before we come for exhausted mothers
sustainable
, my friend and I say together. We're talking about her
work
/life imbalance, the juggling of domestic and professional responsibilities that has her absurdly multitasking, barely pulling it off, always failing someone or something, always guilty. (In case you were wondering, no, the answer is not that she should stay at home in a frilly apron baking cupcakes instead of practising medicine. The answer is that adequate childcare should be available and affordable.)
Something sustainable is literally something that can be held up, from the Latin 'tenere' as in 'tenacious'. If a course of action is depleting resources faster than they are generated, causing a net loss, it's unsustainable because sooner or later there will be nothing left. Harvesting peat is the obvious local example but others would include losing weight, overwork and lack of rest.
We're used to sustainability as a buzzword around care for the environment, and often such terms feel reproachful, as if we're being told off for using too much, taking more than our share. We should buy less, throw away less, drive less, fly less. It feels as if what's sustainable for the planet is unsustainable for individuals trying to survive capitalism, as if living sustainably is another demand to do more with less. It doesn't have to be that way.
[
Sarah Moss: 'I'm a classic first child. A driven overachiever. Slightly neurotic'
Opens in new window
]
I've always thought it's deeply unfair to position new parents like my friend at the sharp end of green scolding. Especially when space and money are tight, disposable nappies are a godsend to a household and also horrible for the environment. You can transport babies on bicycles – people do it all the time in places with safe cycling infrastructure – and you can get pushchairs on buses and trains, but in Dublin it's not easy, pleasant or reliable. Maybe let's inconvenience some oligarchs before we come for the exhausted mothers, and while we're at it provide a subsidised laundering service for cloth nappies.
READ MORE
Human energies also need care, which is not in opposition to but part of care for human environments. Much of our excessive consumption comes from various kinds of scarcity: time, affordable fresh food, active transport infrastructure and reliable public transport. Some people are obviously making active choices to prioritise their own egos and individual power over everyone else's health and safety (SUV drivers, I mean you), but most of us are muddling through in environments engineered to create scarcity and to direct us to solve this engineered scarcity by unsustainable consumption.
For most of us, the necessary changes must be collective and corporate. Only the well-resourced can consistently resist powerful systems as individuals. I can cycle everywhere because I live within 10km of most of the places I need or want to go, because I have a high degree of control over my own time and the immeasurable blessing of physical health. In this situation, the choice to cycle enhances and does not deplete my life. It is (most days) more of a joy than a sacrifice. It would make no sense to try to insist that people in more difficult circumstances make the same choices; better to change the circumstances.
My household's diet is based on organic and mostly Irish fruit and vegetables, delivered weekly. If everyone could eat as we do, more people would be in better health, Irish organic farming would be more sustainable and there would be shorter supply chains and less food waste. But this is possible for us because we can afford the additional cost, I have the time and knowledge to cook and none of us has allergies or intolerances. It's stupid to say that everyone should do what we do unless we also say that everyone should have what we have, which is the truly sustainable position.
[
I enjoy Ireland's weather, take pleasure in rain and whinge on hot days
Opens in new window
]
And so my point is that social justice and climate justice are not in opposition. Some of the reasons for our unsustainable habits are moral failure (SUV drivers, I still mean you), but most are systemic failure, or rather the success of a system engineered to maximise profit and economic growth at the expense of humanity as well as the rest of the natural world. Sustainable behaviour involves rest, companionship and pleasure as well as separating your recycling (but protest the wanton stupidity of most food packaging) and taking the bus (protest the fact that it's late and crowded).
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Irish Times
2 days ago
- Irish Times
‘I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mum ... but I'm exhausted'
Question I took a career break six months ago so I could be at home full-time with my two children , aged three and four. I was unhappy in my last job when a new manager started and my role changed – so it was all good timing. My husband supported me as we did not want the kids spending long hours in childcare . We have not had to even downsize too much given how much childcare was costing us. However, it is not going as well as I thought it would and some days I am really struggling. My two children are such amazing kids and they are both really intense and demanding of my attention. I am really happy to be there with them, but I am so exhausted at the end of the day. They are both in a really lovely preschool for three hours a day which is great, but this stopped in July for the summer. Budgets are tight for camps and family holidays. Also, my relationship with my husband has become a bit strained. He is stressed and working long hours to gain more money. He also seems to expect that I should be doing most of the housework now that I am home full-time. To be honest, I also had the idea that I would be able to do it all and be the perfect home manager, and am disheartened at how little I get done in a day. READ MORE He does not understand that I am more exhausted than him when he comes in the evening. This is a source of new rows and resentment between us. It is all a bit depressing as I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mum. Part of me now even misses being back in work. Answer Though it might be especially rewarding, caring for small children can be one of the most intense and stressful jobs you undertake. It is very normal to struggle at times and to need support. Summer can be particularly challenging. The routine of preschool not only gives you a daily break but also many parallel supports and daily social contacts. In the summer, you have to build new routines and supports which can be particularly hard when budgets are tight. You are also dealing with transitioning from being a working mother to being full time in the home. Even if this is what you wanted, this can still be an significant adjustment that takes time. Your relationship with your husband is also changing as you negotiate different roles and responsibilities. This can bring out different expectations, resentments and stresses that need to be acknowledged and talked through. Give yourself space to reflect In your mind, what is the ideal work-life-parenting balance? Photograph: Getty Images Take time to reflect about what it is going on for you. Don't give yourself a hard time for your feelings and simply let yourself feel them. It is perfectly understandable to feel depressed and this is often a signal to adjust and reflect further. You might feel sad that things have not turned out as expected and miss parts of your former life. Be curious about the deeper expectations and need that underpin your feelings. In your mind, what is the ideal work-life-parenting balance? What are you hoping from your marriage around this? What is your husband hoping for? You may be able to talk easily to your husband about these reflections and/ or it might be helpful to talk to a supportive friend, a counsellor, reach out to a parent online forum or ring a helpline such as parentline. Talk things through with your husband When couples talk about problems it is easy to fall into the trap of blaming and criticising the other person. Though much harder it can be more effective to reveal your vulnerable feelings and what you specifically need. For example, instead of simply criticising your husband for never being home, it might be more helpful to say, 'I am struggling, and I need you here more to help'. Or it might be more helpful for your husband to say, 'I am worried about money and feel I have to work more, I need your support with this' (or whatever else his needs are). [ 'I am struggling with potty training my three-year-old daughter' Opens in new window ] Moving to vulnerable communication about feelings and needs neutralises resentment. It is also important to start these conversations from a place of appreciation. You might start by appreciating his support for your decision to be at home and his efforts as the breadwinner. If your husband was reading this article, I would invite him to share what he appreciates and admired about you and your parenting. In marriages, what people want most is to be appreciated by their partner and this is a game-changer in moving from stressed to productive conversations. Explore practical solutions with your husband that might help reduce stress. This might mean him setting a day a week where he takes on parenting duties while you pursue a home and personal project. You could also sit down together to make a plan as to how he can creatively use his annual leave over the summer that is best for you and the children. In the long term, it is worth considering what are the best work and parenting arrangements to suit you both. Given the advent of flexible working, it may not have to be a binary decision of working full time or being a stay at home parent. Some couples find creative solutions allowing them to both work two - four days a week and manage most of the childcare themselves while both having the opportunity to work. Work hard at finding win-win solutions that work for both of you. John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See
Irish Times
20-07-2025
- Irish Times
Let's inconvenience some oligarchs before we come for exhausted mothers
It's just not sustainable , my friend and I say together. We're talking about her work /life imbalance, the juggling of domestic and professional responsibilities that has her absurdly multitasking, barely pulling it off, always failing someone or something, always guilty. (In case you were wondering, no, the answer is not that she should stay at home in a frilly apron baking cupcakes instead of practising medicine. The answer is that adequate childcare should be available and affordable.) Something sustainable is literally something that can be held up, from the Latin 'tenere' as in 'tenacious'. If a course of action is depleting resources faster than they are generated, causing a net loss, it's unsustainable because sooner or later there will be nothing left. Harvesting peat is the obvious local example but others would include losing weight, overwork and lack of rest. We're used to sustainability as a buzzword around care for the environment, and often such terms feel reproachful, as if we're being told off for using too much, taking more than our share. We should buy less, throw away less, drive less, fly less. It feels as if what's sustainable for the planet is unsustainable for individuals trying to survive capitalism, as if living sustainably is another demand to do more with less. It doesn't have to be that way. [ Sarah Moss: 'I'm a classic first child. A driven overachiever. Slightly neurotic' Opens in new window ] I've always thought it's deeply unfair to position new parents like my friend at the sharp end of green scolding. Especially when space and money are tight, disposable nappies are a godsend to a household and also horrible for the environment. You can transport babies on bicycles – people do it all the time in places with safe cycling infrastructure – and you can get pushchairs on buses and trains, but in Dublin it's not easy, pleasant or reliable. Maybe let's inconvenience some oligarchs before we come for the exhausted mothers, and while we're at it provide a subsidised laundering service for cloth nappies. READ MORE Human energies also need care, which is not in opposition to but part of care for human environments. Much of our excessive consumption comes from various kinds of scarcity: time, affordable fresh food, active transport infrastructure and reliable public transport. Some people are obviously making active choices to prioritise their own egos and individual power over everyone else's health and safety (SUV drivers, I mean you), but most of us are muddling through in environments engineered to create scarcity and to direct us to solve this engineered scarcity by unsustainable consumption. For most of us, the necessary changes must be collective and corporate. Only the well-resourced can consistently resist powerful systems as individuals. I can cycle everywhere because I live within 10km of most of the places I need or want to go, because I have a high degree of control over my own time and the immeasurable blessing of physical health. In this situation, the choice to cycle enhances and does not deplete my life. It is (most days) more of a joy than a sacrifice. It would make no sense to try to insist that people in more difficult circumstances make the same choices; better to change the circumstances. My household's diet is based on organic and mostly Irish fruit and vegetables, delivered weekly. If everyone could eat as we do, more people would be in better health, Irish organic farming would be more sustainable and there would be shorter supply chains and less food waste. But this is possible for us because we can afford the additional cost, I have the time and knowledge to cook and none of us has allergies or intolerances. It's stupid to say that everyone should do what we do unless we also say that everyone should have what we have, which is the truly sustainable position. [ I enjoy Ireland's weather, take pleasure in rain and whinge on hot days Opens in new window ] And so my point is that social justice and climate justice are not in opposition. Some of the reasons for our unsustainable habits are moral failure (SUV drivers, I still mean you), but most are systemic failure, or rather the success of a system engineered to maximise profit and economic growth at the expense of humanity as well as the rest of the natural world. Sustainable behaviour involves rest, companionship and pleasure as well as separating your recycling (but protest the wanton stupidity of most food packaging) and taking the bus (protest the fact that it's late and crowded).
Irish Times
15-07-2025
- Irish Times
Coping with summer childcare a ‘dicey hodgepodge' of annual leave and magnanimous grandmothers
'We have only one child specifically because we could not imagine being able to meet the costs of a bigger family,' says Marie, a manager from North County Dublin. 'We are spending €525 for our five-year-old to attend five weeks of summer camps that vary between three to four hours a day. The rest of the day being covered by a dicey hodgepodge of annual leave, parental leave, magnanimous grandmothers, and sheer miracles,' she says. Marie was one of a number of people who responded to a callout from The Irish Times for stories from parents about their experience with sending children to camps during the summer. 'Jane', who did not want to reveal her name, is a parent to 12-year-old twins in Limerick city. 'Each summer is a nightmare, with trying to find ways to work and keep children occupied,' she says. READ MORE 'Neither I nor my partner can work from home. In previous summers, I have spent the bones of €1,000 on camps. They start late, 9.30 or 10am and finish early, so you are late to work, leaving early, trying to get grandparents to help. 'This summer I am taking extra unpaid leave and only sending the kids to two camps, costing me about €600 for two children, but not everyone can afford to do that. It's very stressful and far from ideal. 'The holidays are too long for how families are set up now. And the cost is ridiculous. The quality of camps varies hugely and you are stuck, so have to pay.' Irish primary school holidays run from the last week of June until the week in which September 1st falls. Post-primary schools have a longer break due to the start of State exams in June, closing before the first Monday of that month. This arrangement means working parents must find alternative childcare arrangements for up to 12 weeks of the summer, when the statutory minimum is four weeks paid annual leave per year. Grace Healy, a chemical engineer from Co Cork, has devised a spreadsheet filled with art, sports, horse riding, gymnastics, singing and acting for her nine- and 10-year-olds. 'This is how we're surviving the summer when we both work full time. We take a two-week holiday. The rest are camps,' she says. Grace Healy's two sons aged nine and 10. Photograph courtesy of Grace Healy However, not everyone is happy with how the camps are run. Carol, mother to a six-year old boy in Co Wicklow, says when compared to the European approach where 'whole afternoons a few times a week are given over to extracurricular activities and sport, the summer camps here are a huge missed opportunity to introduce and instil sport skills. A camp that's 9am-12pm is impossible to make work and offers less value for money. 'We are limited to a private childcare provider through the school, that granted, does a full day. But when I asked my six-year-old if he was looking forward to playing in the fields, trips and trying different sports, he said no. It would be the same as Easter and Halloween camps – sitting down doing theme crafts, in the yard running around with pals a bit. 'Parents are now usually older and both working full time. It's hard to really put in the time and effort and it pains me to see another aspect of parenting where I feel I am letting my child down.' Another parent, Marie, notes how 'Ireland has now been set up to require that two full-time earners are needed to cover basic living costs for families in all but the most exceptional cases. The reality today is that summer camps are an absolute necessity for families with young children.' Niamh from Westmeath, who has three children between nine and 17 years old, says: 'I used to dread the summer holidays. Thankfully, we're out the other side now with the oldest aged 17, but I agree that some form of State-sponsored childcare on school grounds would be ideal.' Many of the parents agreed that publicly funded or delivered childcare during the summer months would ease a lot of the pressure on working families. Jane suggests 'primary schools should provide organised subsidised camps for July, just leaving August free'. Family photograph courtesy of Carol. Carol's vision is of 'a school-run camp for three or four weeks when school wraps up to focus on all the extracurricular life skills. It could include trips, a hike, a beach day, a pool day.' She adds that 'a national extracurricular summer scheme attached to the school would also greatly help the less advantaged of this country. Where weeklong holidays are provided by charities in some cases, extracurricular summer courses would benefit children for life, and their parents.' Maria Quintanilla, from the Canary Islands in Spain says, 'the problem is not that summer camps are expensive or the holidays are too long, it's the system'. She sees the solution from the Spanish civil service, which organises childcare in the office and relies on a 'summer and winter core times arrangement which means 'during summer, the hours are reduced and there is no lunch break, so staff finish their shift at lunchtime. During winter, the hours are made up.' But is public or organisational childcare over the summer holidays a realistic prospect? Parents are despondent: 'If change comes, it will be long after the problem is no longer mine to contend with,' says Marie. Niamh adds: 'I wouldn't hold my breath. As long as the Catholic Church continues its stranglehold on Irish educational facilities, such logical and, dare I say it, women-friendly arrangements, can only be a pipe dream.'
