My husband promised to end affair and rebuild our relationship – but he lied and never ended things with mistress
DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT that becoming a parent would strengthen my relationship with my husband, but instead it has exposed his affair.
We'd just had our first baby when I started noticing a change in him.
He became distant and hardly helped with our newborn, preferring to sit glued to his phone.
I was exhausted and emotional and trying to adjust to being a mum, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right.
Finally, I snooped on his phone and I discovered he'd been having an affair with a colleague.
When I confronted him, he said it meant nothing and begged me to give him another chance.
After that, we had
I wanted so badly for our family to stay together, so I chose to believe him.
But months later, I discovered he never really ended things with her and he's been lying to me the whole time, sneaking over while pretending to rebuild our relationship.
Now I don't know what to do. I feel like a complete fool.
Part of me still loves him and wants to work on things for the sake of our family, but the other part feels broken. I don't want to keep living a lie. I'm 32 and he's 35. Our baby is 15 months old. I feel so lost.
How can I move forward from this? Is it even worth it?
Cheating and can you get over it
DEIDRE SAYS:
Learning that your partner has been having an affair during such a vulnerable time is devastating, and for him to continue the fling after promising that he would end it only adds to the pain.
Trust, once broken, is incredibly hard to rebuild, especially when the betrayal is repeated.
Ask yourself what you truly want – not just for your relationship, but for yourself and your child.
You've already shown great strength in trying to work through it, but unless he pulls out all the stops now to show his remorse and determination to improve things, I'm afraid you do need to consider if it's time to leave this relationship.
You may need more counselling, either together or individually, to help process what's happened and consider if you would be best going your separate ways. Contact
My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, can also help you decide whether to walk away or not.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to
You can also send a private message on the
HELP ME FIND A MAN WHO WANTS MORE THAN ROMPS
DEAR DEIDRE
: WHY do men only want me for one thing? I get my hopes up, only to find they were never serious about me in the first place and it's all about sex.
I'm a 62-year-old woman, I've never married, don't have children and have spent most of my life alone.
Five years ago, I was left devastated after someone I truly cared for used me for sex. I was heartbroken and swore I would never go through that pain again.
Now, I've started seeing someone I actually like. He's funny, attentive and romantic – and I was beginning to trust him. But then I noticed he's friends with loads of attractive women on Facebook.
To make matters worse, a friend found him on a dating website known for hook-ups. I feel like a fool for opening my heart again, and I can't help but think the worst.
I'm sick of being used. How can I tell if this is real or if I'm just another stop along the way?
DEIDRE SAYS:
It's completely natural to feel wary after being hurt, especially when someone you trusted shows signs that bring back old fears.
Before jumping to conclusions, have an honest talk with him about what you've found and how it makes you feel.
If his answers don't reassure you, or he continues to behave inconsistently, don't be afraid to walk away.
My support pack, Finding The Right Partner, will help you recognise red flags and build healthier relationships.
SO DOWN OVER MY BINGEING ON JUNK
DEAR DEIDRE:
I'M trapped in a constant battle where food feels like my comfort and my curse.
No matter what I do, I can't control my eating habits and it's making my life a misery.
I'm a 34-year-old man and I've had a difficult relationship with food ever since I was a teenager.
Lately, stress at work and feeling lonely in my personal life have made me feel more out of control. I'm scared I'm damaging my health, physically and mentally.
Most evenings, I eat to the point of discomfort – packs of biscuits, family-sized bags of crisps, takeaways, whatever I can get my hands on.
It's like I'm using food to fill a gap I can't explain.
I've gained a lot of weight and constantly feel low. I hate what I see in the mirror.
I've never told anyone because I'm ashamed and scared they'll just think I'm weak or lack self-control.
I'm desperate for help.
DEIDRE SAYS:
Struggling with binge eating can feel overwhelming, but know that you're not alone.
Many people use food to cope with stress or emotional pain, and breaking the cycle often takes time and support.
It's important to be kind to yourself and seek help.
Organisations like
My support pack, Eating Disorders, should help too.
LIFE OF FAILURE HAS LEFT ME FUMING
DEAR DEIDRE
: HOW can I stop being furious at the world? For as long as I can remember, life has felt like one long uphill battle.
I struggle to make close friends and romantic relationships fall apart before they even begin.
I'm 33 and have watched everyone my age fall in love, find
jobs
they care about, travel the world and build meaningful lives, while I'm stuck in a constant loop of failure and frustration.
My career hasn't taken off and I feel like I've never really belonged anywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to catch a break.
Every rejection and failure just chips away at me. Lately, the frustration has turned to real anger. I constantly
snap
at people over small things and feel like I'm always on the verge of blowing up.
It feels like I was dealt a bad hand, and sometimes I wonder if things will ever get better or if I'm destined to feel this way for ever.
DEIDRE SAYS:
It's totally understandable to feel overwhelmed and angry when life seems to throw one setback after another at you.
Feeling targeted by the universe is a common reaction when things don't go your way, but remember, these things don't define your
future
.
Anger can be a powerful emotion, but holding on to it can stop you from making the necessary changes.
Try to channel that frustration into small, positive
steps
— whether it's seeking support from a counsellor, finding new activities to meet people or setting manageable goals.
Talking to someone impartial could help you unpack what's behind this frustration. Contact
My support pack, Managing Anger, should also help you.
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DEAR DEIDRE: I THOUGHT that becoming a parent would strengthen my relationship with my husband, but instead it has exposed his affair. We'd just had our first baby when I started noticing a change in him. He became distant and hardly helped with our newborn, preferring to sit glued to his phone. I was exhausted and emotional and trying to adjust to being a mum, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. Finally, I snooped on his phone and I discovered he'd been having an affair with a colleague. When I confronted him, he said it meant nothing and begged me to give him another chance. After that, we had I wanted so badly for our family to stay together, so I chose to believe him. But months later, I discovered he never really ended things with her and he's been lying to me the whole time, sneaking over while pretending to rebuild our relationship. Now I don't know what to do. I feel like a complete fool. 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Many people use food to cope with stress or emotional pain, and breaking the cycle often takes time and support. It's important to be kind to yourself and seek help. Organisations like My support pack, Eating Disorders, should help too. LIFE OF FAILURE HAS LEFT ME FUMING DEAR DEIDRE : HOW can I stop being furious at the world? For as long as I can remember, life has felt like one long uphill battle. I struggle to make close friends and romantic relationships fall apart before they even begin. I'm 33 and have watched everyone my age fall in love, find jobs they care about, travel the world and build meaningful lives, while I'm stuck in a constant loop of failure and frustration. My career hasn't taken off and I feel like I've never really belonged anywhere. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to catch a break. Every rejection and failure just chips away at me. Lately, the frustration has turned to real anger. 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