I think about my girlfriend's niece during sex – she turns me on so much more and my self-control won't last much longer

The Sun

3 days ago

DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner's niece really turns me on. I'm trying to keep away from her, but I can't resist.
She's been staying with us and we have kissed.
I keep fantasising about sex with her, but fear my partner will find out.
What can I do to stop the inevitable happening? My self-control won't last much longer.
My partner and I are in our early forties and we have been together for five years.
Her niece is 21.
She's studying locally and, as rental prices are ridiculous, my partner invited her to live with us in term time.
When she arrived, I noticed how attractive she is — slim, with long legs and long, dark hair. I assumed she wouldn't want much to do with me, as she'd be out partying with her student friends.
But she seemed keen to be around me, often staying up late to talk when my partner went to bed.
Sometimes, I even thought she was flirting, but I told myself it was wishful thinking. Then, one evening, we shared a bottle of wine.
She got tipsy and told me she'd always wanted to be with an older man.
She moved very close to me on the sofa, then leaned over to kiss me.
I have never been so aroused in my life. But, knowing it was wrong, I made my excuses and went up to bed before things could go further.
The next day, she kept brushing past me in the kitchen. I thought that I would explode with desire.
Since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. During sex with my partner, I imagine I'm with her niece instead.
My partner is going away for work soon. I know what's going to happen while she's away.
I feel guilty, but I also don't want to turn down what promises to be the best sex of my life.
DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds like you want permission to have sex with your partner's niece.
I'm afraid I can't give you that. Neither can I give you self-control, you need to find that within yourself.
Find something to do that will keep you occupied while your partner is away. Better still, go and visit a friend.
As the older, more mature party, you need to talk to your partner's niece and tell her that this can't go any further.
Remind her that it's not just a bit of fun. You're risking her relationship with her aunt, and yours with your partner.
It's hardly a kind way to pay back her aunt's generosity in allowing her to stay.
Perhaps you should also ask her to find somewhere else to live as soon as possible.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME WITH ALCOHOLIC HUBBY
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I reached the end of my tether with my husband's alcohol problem, I wrote to you for help.
He was in denial and I couldn't get him to take responsibility.
Although I still loved him, I didn't see how I could remain married to a man who no longer had any interest in me, sexually or emotionally.
My husband and I are both in our mid-fifties and have been married for 25 years.
Since being made redundant during Covid, his life had revolved around alcohol.
He drank every day, had stopped seeing friends and even talking to me. You acknowledged how unhealthy our relationship had become and said my husband sounded depressed.
You advised that he needed to go to his GP, and recommended that we both saw a counsellor.
You suggested I read your support packs, Dealing With Depression, How Counselling Can Help and Dealing With A Problem Drinker.
I had a big talk with him and told him I would leave if he didn't get help.
He finally agreed to see his doctor and is now drinking far less and being more affectionate. Thank you.
DEIDRE SAYS: I'm glad things have improved. Overcoming alcohol addiction isn't easy, but it sounds like he is on the right path.
WE SPLIT UP MONTHS AGO BUT HE WON'T MOVE OUT
DEAR DEIDRE: ALMOST a year after we broke up, my ex and I are still living together.
He won't move out or get back together, or even discuss the future. It's left me in limbo.
We're in our mid-thirties and have a young son together. I always thought we'd get married one day. However, things grew tough after our son was born.
We drifted apart, no longer had sex and bickered a lot over money.
I resented doing all the housework and most of the childcare.
Ten months ago, even though I love him, I told him that I thought we should split up because neither of us was happy, and he agreed.
However, since then nothing has changed.
He's sleeping in the spare room, but he hasn't moved out, and I still do all the washing, cooking and cleaning.
I worry it's confusing for our son.
I've asked him if he wants to get back together and try again, but he says he's not sure yet. It feels like he's taking advantage of having a nice home without having to make any effort with me.
Should I wait for him to make up his mind, or should I find a way to get him to leave and move on with my life?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your ex seems to be using the fact that you still have feelings for him and would be happy to get back together.
He believes he can bide his time until he decides what he wants. But by not making a decision, I think he's given you an answer: Nothing has changed.
If he really wanted you back, he'd make a big effort.
It's time for you to be decisive. Perhaps you need to give him an ultimatum, for your son's sake, and stick to it.
Couples counselling could be helpful, either to resolve things or to split.
See my support pack, How Counselling Can Help, for more information.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: IT was annoying when my bisexual friend kept holding my hand and telling me we'd make a cute couple but I didn't say anything as I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
However, now another friend has told me she's been going round telling people I'm in love with her.
I don't know what to do. We're 17-year-old girls and at sixth form college.
I was supportive of my friend when she came out as bi but I'm straight and not interested.
And I don't like having lies spread about me.
Tell her it's making you feel uncomfortable and ask her to stop.
Make it clear that you value her friendship but aren't interested in anything more.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you have this conversation without making her too defensive.
Porn ruined partner's sexual appetite
DEAR DEIDRE: PORN has ruined my sex life with my partner – but he denies he has a problem.
When we get intimate, it's over in two minutes because I know he has been secretly pleasuring himself.
I love him, but I can't go on like this.
We've been together for ten years, and he's had an issue with porn for the last couple. Before that, we had a great sex life. Now, he's rarely interested.
He used to get turned on just by kissing me.
Now, it takes more and more to get him aroused – he wants to try things that I don't enjoy or to make me dress up. It makes me feel unattractive and rejected.
Once, I caught him watching porn in the spare room and told him I was worried. He said it wasn't an issue and he'd stop.
But I know he lied. He often disappears for half an hour at a time, saying he has something important to do.
How can I get him to stop and get our sex life back to the way it was?
DEIDRE SAYS: Watching a lot of porn is now known to have an impact on both sexual appetite and function.
And when someone's porn habit starts to interfere with their sex life and relationship – and they lie about it – it's a sign of an addiction.
Your partner can get help to overcome this, but first he needs to admit he has a problem.
Talk to him again and make it clear you can't continue in the relationship unless something changes.
My support packs, Upset By Pornography? and Is Porn Ruining Your Life?, both have more advice and sources of help.