Private investigator unpacks politics with coffee, clowns and conspiracies
I hear the click-click of the sequinned high-heels on the parquet floor long before Gloria's ample prow heaves into view as she turns into my office. She is carrying my coffee, in a plain white mug with a DA logo on it.
Am I a DA supporter? Hell no!
They ask too many questions and demand too much in the way of results… but it's nice to see people's eyebrows shoot up when they spy the mug. If nothing else, it's a conversation starter – even with those people who would rather chew glass than utter the word 'DA'…
My coffee is just the way I like it: strong, sweet and black.
Like my women, I had told Gloria, shortly after I hired her… mainly to put her at ease that my taste doesn't run to big-bosomed meisies from the platteland.
ALSO READ: Mkhwanazi plays by his own rules
Gloria is not the sort of name you'd expect from a girl from the Free State, but she explained that Laura Branigan's song Gloria was playing in the maternity ward in the Bothaville hospital as she popped out, one bright morning in the 1980s…
My name is Dick, by the way. Dick Falcon. My friends called me 'Maltese' after the book. I've never read it – books are for losers – but I am a private investigator.
And, like all private investigators, I like a bit of the strong stuff. Nah – not bourbon… this is Sandton, not New Orleans, after all. I add a little slug of Buffelsfontein Brandewyn into the brew. I find it helps me cope with some of the clowns I deal with on a daily basis.
Besides, I like being a rowwe bliksem (rough bugger) as they say in their ads.
Talking about clowns, I hear a commotion in the hallway outside and then a man with a false orange beard, sunglasses and a blonde wig under a MAGA cap bursts into the office.
ALSO READ: If it ain't broke, break it anyway
Behind him, also in sunglasses and clearly packing heat, are the heavies in black suits.
'Morning, Mbaks!' I shout, 'How the hell are you?'
He is taken aback: 'Wow! How do you know who I am? I am disguised.'
'I'm an investigator, after all, comrade, and I see things others don't.'
I don't have the heart to tell him that the sirens, blue lights and 17 BMW X5s clogging the street below were a small hint.
ALSO READ: DA threatens to exit GNU over Whitfield's firing
'We have a problem,' he says, coming straight to the point.
'That's what I'm here for,' I reply, thinking about the fat tender I had landed for investigative services for the ANC, paid for out of a secret state security slush fund. It had only cost me one Maserati and a small deposit on a house in Zimbali… but I was quite surprised that, after all these years, they still didn't know how to game the Public Finance Management Act. Clearly missing the Guptas…
'There are people plotting a coop,' he says.
'Must be stool pigeons,' I reply but the quip, like the birds, flies over his head.
I look at him in the sunglasses: 'Why would anyone want to overthrow a glorious revolutionary movement?'
ALSO READ: 'It's time to eat, comrades!': When the struggle becomes a buffet for the powerful
Sarcasm is not Mbaks' strength, so he continues: 'We think Mkhwanazi is an agent of the imperialist powers…'
He looks at me (I think, but I'm not sure): 'You must take care of him for us…'
I think about the Smith and Wesson .38 revolver in my bottom desk drawer. Six slugs up against the KZN cop's trained special task force operators with their body armour and assault rifles?
I don't think so. There is only one option: time to say so long and thanks for all the fish (from another book I've never read)… and a quick exit stage left to my villa in Mauritius.
'Anyone for a cup of coffee?'
NOW READ: It's all a load of Blue Bull
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Ward poll shocks — Patriotic Alliance smashes DA's blue wall in Paarl, ANC snatches back Kimberley seat
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There was a significant turnout differential of 20 and 21 percentage points between Platfontein and the two Roodepan voting districts as 71% of Platfontein made their mark at the voting district. The ANC also surprised the PA by edging it by seven votes at the vote-rich Lucretia Primary School voting in Roodepan. The ANC overcame a 31% point deficit from the 2023 by-election at Lucretia Primary School. The result in this district will concern the PA the most. In the less-populated Roodepan voting district the PA fell from 57% to 46%, with the ANC growing from 26% to 30%. It was here where the DA did best in the ward, obtaining 21%. The by-election win means the ANC has now one wards off the DA, the PA and the Namakwa Civic Movement since the 2024 elections in the Northern Cape. It also makes up for the recent narrow loss to the PA in Sutherland in the Karoo Hoogland. Northern Cape premier and ANC provincial leader Zamani Saul's star will continue to rise in the ANC when its members across the country see the party's by-election performance trend in this province. The ANC also regained its outright majority in Sol Plaatje. This means it no longer needs to work with Good to achieve a majority in the council. Good currently has two mayoral committee positions, and councillors in the ANC caucus will surely be eyeing those. New council composition: ANC 33 (32) DA 14 EFF 6 PA 3 (4) Sol Plaatje Service Delivery Forum 3 VF+ 3 Good 2 ACDP 1. Total: 65. Poll: 56% (55%) Western Cape Ward 27 (Amstelhof Paarl) Drakenstein, Cape Winelands: PA 43% (1%) DA 39% (58%) ANC 16% (12%) CDA 1% (10%) The setting: Amstelhof is east of the Paarl town centre. The ward sits between the R101 road and Klein Drakenstein Road. The ward might sit above the Boland Park Cricket Stadium but it produced a rugby superstar in Springbok Canan Moodie. Drakenstein is the second-most-populous municipality in the Western Cape and includes the towns of Wellington, Gouda and Saron. The 2021 local government election: The DA beat the ANC by more than 800 votes in this ward. The race for second place was interesting, with the ANC finishing just ahead of the local Concerned Drakenstein Residents (CDR), which edged out Good in a photo finish for third place. Good won 9% of the vote. 2024 provincial election: The DA came first with 56%, winning both Amstelhof voting districts. The PA was runner-up with 21%, ahead of the ANC on 15%. The by-election: The ward councillor died. Good elected to not contest the by-election. PA made history by winning its first ward in the Cape Winelands district, beating the DA by 74 votes. This is also significant because Drakenstein is the second-most-populous municipality in the province. Amstelhof Primary School district was a delight for the PA and a disaster for the DA. The PA surged from 1% to 37%, while the ANC had an impressive jump from 8% to 32%. The DA fell from 57% to 30% and CDR collapsed from 18% to 1%. The 79-vote margin for the PA over the DA would be the key difference. The DA finished first at LK Zeeman Primary, but its support fell from 56% to 48%. The PA went from a measly 1% to 48%. The PA hurt the DA and CDR and also attracted many of the Good voters in this district. Good won more than 20% in this district in 2021. CDR disappeared in the district, falling from 11% to less than 1%. The DA's blue wall has been resolute in Cape Town and much of the Cape Winelands, but this win by the PA is a big breach of that wall. There will be great concern at DA headquarters. The PA has beaten the DA in a matter of weeks in Mossel Bay and Paarl. These are two towns where the DA's support has largely held or grown. The PA will be very bullish about the next election in the province. The PA did not just cause pain for the DA here. The CDR, a local party with three seats on the council, was decimated in this by-election. Local parties across the province will be studying the Drakenstein result with dread. New Drakenstein council composition: DA 35 (36) ANC 13 GOOD 4 FF+ 3 Concerned Drakensberg Residents 3 PA 2 (1) ACDP 1 EFF 1 ICOSA 1 PAC 1 Al Jama-ah 1. Total 65. Ward 6 (Velddrif Noordhoek) Bergrivier, West Coast: DA 45% (40%) PA 39% (29%) EFF 13% (6%) ANC 3% (16%) The setting: Noordhoek is north of the Velddrif town centre. This is where most of the voters in Ward 6 reside. It also includes the coastal village of Dwarskersbos, which is north of Noordhoek and Velddrif, and the farming area of Aurora east of Velddrif. Bokkomslaan is in Velddrif, one of South Africa's most notable streetscapes. The Bergrivier municipality is known for its potatoes, salt and fishing. Other towns in the municipality are Piketberg and Porterville. Nataniel is a son of this region. The 2021 local government election: The DA beat the PA by 264 votes in a very close contest. The PA won the most vote-rich district, Noordhoek, by 306 votes. Turnout in Noordhoek was below the ward polling average, with only 52% of registered voters showing up. The DA won the Aurora voting district by 115 votes, with the PA finishing second. Turnout here was 54%, slightly below the turnout average. The DA beat the PA by 499 votes in Dwarskersbos. Turnout here was a high 76%. The ANC were the only other party to get into double percentage figures, obtaining 13%. Only four votes separated the parties who ranked fourth, fifth and sixth, with the EFF outmuscling Good and the Freedom Front Plus (FF+). All three parties received 6% of the vote. The 2024 provincial election: The DA bagged 56% of the vote here. The PA were second with 18% and the ANC came third on 12%. Noordhoek was competitive. The DA beat the PA by 93 votes, while 144 votes separated the PA from the ANC. Turnout was more than 80% in Dwarskersbos. The DA won 85% in Dwarskersbos and also dominated in Aurora, winning 75%. The PA beat the ANC in both Dwarskersbos and Aurora. The by-election: The ward councillor resigned. Good and the FF+ decided to not contest this by-election. The DA candidate claimed the PA tried to buy him off. The PA denied the accusation. The DA held off the PA by 208 votes in a high-turnout by-election. The PA grew from 42% to 49% in Noordhoek. There was a turnout differential for the PA as Noordhoek did not just have as expected the highest voter turnout but the highest percentage voter turnout as well, with a 6% turnout advantage over Dwarskersbos and 14% compared with the Aurora turnout. The DA grew from 20% to 28% in Noordhoek. The EFF made good gains, moving from 9% to 19%. The ANC fell sharply from 19% to 4%. Dwarskersbos was key for the DA as it won 96% here, up from 81% in 2021. The party benefited from the FF+'s absence. The FF+ won 15% in the district in 2021. In Aurora, the DA all but matched its 2021 returns while the PA made giant strides from 23% to 43%. The DA would have also benefited from the FF+'s absence here as it garnered 11% in 2021. In Aurora, former Good voters, some DA voters and ANC voters moved over to the PA. We had 4 by-elections in the latest round of electoral activity. No single party won more than 45% of the vote in a by-election. This could be a snapshot of what happens in large parts of the country in the next local government elections. There could well be more fracturing, more competition and considerably more coalitions governments across the country. The next by-election will be on 6 August when the ANC defends a super-safe seat in Motherwell township in Nelson Mandela Bay. The EFF and MK will hope to make inroads. DM
TimesLIVE
19-07-2025
- TimesLIVE
God's Work can often be cruel
Durban-based director Michael James' debut feature God's Work is a thought-provoking, multilayered reflection on the lived experience and inner world of the city's marginalised and misunderstood unhoused people. Combining elements of social realism, this meta narrative is an attempt by a well-intentioned young white documentary filmmaker to tell their story. It's a sharp satirical critique of the politically expedient attempts to co-opt them into the platforms of fictionalised versions of the DA and the EFF, and includes surreal hallucinations brought on by the effects of drugs and the traumas of the past, as well as the oppressive violence of the city's corrupt police. The film follows the journey of a group of unhoused young men as they hustle each day to survive in an environment in which the elements seem intent on erasing them. It also provides a complex interrogation of how we interact with sidelined members of our communities and what the abilities and limits of cinema as a medium are to adequately capture the many aspects of the realities of their lives...
