I always lose my erection when I'm with my girlfriend because she reminds me of my late mother – it feels like incest
DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my girlfriend is a flop – and I'm worried it's because she reminds me of my late mother.
She's not my normal type at all, but I love being around her.
It's just whenever we try to have sex, I lose my erection.
I'm 57 and have been divorced for four years.
A few months ago, I decided to try dating again. I quickly met my now girlfriend, 48, on a dating site.
I generally like petite, dark women, and she's tall and curvy with blonde hair, just like my mother was.
That did unsettle me a little, but I brushed the thought away.
Her personality instantly attracted me. She is so warm, kind and funny, and she has a successful career.
We had lots of interests in common too.
When we met up, I realised I had developed strong feelings for her. Being around her felt comfortable and easy.
We had lots of kisses and cuddles, and held hands in the street. So, the first time we went to bed together, I wasn't worried.
But, within a couple of minutes, I lost my erection — and whatever we tried, I couldn't get it back.
This has never happened before.
I've tried to reassure her that I do find her attractive, but it's starting to affect our relationship, and I'm now questioning whether the problem is her resemblance to my mother.
The thought that my interest in her is some sort of weird incest thing makes me feel sick.
Of course, I haven't mentioned this subject to her.
Please help before she leaves me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being attracted to someone who looks like your mother isn't uncommon, and doesn't mean you ever wanted an incestuous relationship.
Perhaps you're so comfortable around this woman because she feels familiar. But now you've focused on this, it has understandably become a turn-off.
And, like any psychological problem affecting sex, the more you worry, the more your erection problem happens.
Then again, you're now 57, so it's possible there's a physical reason behind your inability to sustain arousal.
See your GP to rule out any health problems. My support pack, Erection Issues, has more information about this.
Sometimes, taking sex off the table for a while helps arousal to come back naturally. And the better you get to know your girlfriend, the less like your mum she will seem.
FAMILY LEFT ON THE BRINK OVER VIOLENT YOUNGER SIS
DEAR DEIDRE: MY younger sister is spiralling out of control, it's destroying our family.
She's become increasingly violent and, the other day, when we had a row, she punched me in the face, leaving me with a black eye. I'm scared she's going to seriously hurt someone – or herself.
She's 26 and I'm her 29-year-old big brother. She's had behavioural problems since she was a teenager and has dabbled with drugs and alcohol too.
Yesterday, our dad tried to talk to her, and she threatened to jump out of the window, just to get attention.
Our parents are at a loss as to how to deal with her. They are distraught and I can see it's taking a toll on their health.
I know she needs professional help – maybe even to be sectioned – but I don't know where to start.
DEIDRE SAYS: Few people realise how much someone's mental health struggles impact the whole family.
You're right to be concerned and it does sound like your sister needs specialist help.
You and your parents also need support.
Contact Rethink Mental Illness (rethink.org), which helps people with mental health problems, and their loved ones. It has a Siblings Network.
If she's in denial, you could also try talking to your sister's GP.
Tell them you're worried she's a danger to herself and others.
BLOKE'S PLAYING WITH MY FEELINGS
DEAR DEIDRE: I KNOW I should leave my on-off boyfriend, but every time I break up with him, he love bombs me until I take him back.
I don't feel like he's really there for me and whenever he lets me down, I end up turning to drink.
We've been in a relationship for five years and are both in our mid-30s.
When we first started seeing each other, he was the perfect boyfriend – making me feel I was special.
Then he disappeared. I was just starting to get over him, when he came back and started up with the love bombing again.
Since then, we've been in this constant pattern. Our relationship is always conducted on his terms.
It's making me feel so confused and I have no idea how he really feels about me. But I still love him.
DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship doesn't sound healthy for you.
Love bombing someone isn't the same as loving them – it's manipulation.
He seems incapable of committing to a proper relationship, and after five years, things are highly unlikely to change.
You deserve better. Read my support pack, Addictive Love, for more advice on how to deal with this type of relationship.
Counselling could help.
Perhaps it's time to take control and walk away from him for good.
FEEL GUILTY FOR JAILING VILE EX
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my abusive ex was sent to jail for his violent behaviour, I thought I'd finally feel safe and happy.
But instead, I just feel sorry for him and I'm scared that when he comes out he will convince me to take him back.
We were together for ten years and have a daughter together. I'm 30 and he's 42.
He was physically abusive throughout our relationship and it got worse when I was pregnant. I often felt in danger for my life.
For a long time, I was scared to leave. Then I became afraid he'd start on our little girl.
I told him I wanted to break up. He said if I left, he'd break both my legs and put me in hospital for months, so I couldn't look after her.
I went to the police and got a non-molestation order. But he broke it. As he had previous convictions, he ended up being sent down for three years.
I can't move on. I keep thinking about him, feeling guilty that he's in jail because of me.
I still love him and worry he might manipulate me into giving him another chance.
What can I do to stop feeling like this?
DEIDRE SAYS: He's in prison because of his own actions. You protected yourself and your daughter which was the right thing to do and have no reason to feel guilty.
But your conflicted feelings are natural. You have a child together, and presumably some happy memories. Try to remind yourself how much he hurt you emotionally and physically.
Talking to one of the organisations listed in my support pack, Abusive Partner, and having counselling, will help you to work through your feelings and to build your strength so that you're in a stronger place mentally when he comes out.
You can also get legal advice from Rights of Women (rightsofwomen.org.uk, 020 7251 6577).
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