Do I Have to Let My Brother Crash With Me Forever?

New York Times

4 days ago

I come from a large family; my siblings and I are now in our 50s to 70s. Our parents, worn out by so many children, ended up neglecting our needs, physically and emotionally, in different ways. I hold no grudge; they did their best, and they've been gone for decades.
Unfortunately, my younger brother has been couch-surfing with me and other siblings for about 20 years. He spent some time living in inexpensive countries on his inheritance, but now the money is gone, and he has no job. He has been living with me for the last few years, and as I approach 60, I'm exhausted. I don't feel I can host him much longer.
For years, I and others have urged him to get counseling for his anxiety and his difficulties with executive function. We've also suggested that he see a social worker and start building independence, especially as he gets older. He insists he's working on tech projects that will bring in passive income — he's highly intelligent and has big dreams — but nothing has panned out.
None of my other siblings can take him in again. I do think he needs counseling and maybe medication. I'm empathetic by nature, and I hate the idea of putting him on the street — but would that be what finally gets him to seek professional help? I'm not equipped to be his case worker. Am I enabling him to avoid the help he needs by continuing to provide him with a place to stay? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
From what you say, it sounds as if you're carrying a lot, especially as you get older yourself. It's clear you care about your younger brother and don't want to see him suffer. Still, you're right to wonder whether you're simply enabling a middle-aged man to avoid facing reality and getting the assistance he needs, with respect to his mental health and his ability to function. Our obligations to adult siblings — unless they are truly incapable of independence — are real but not unlimited. Most people in our society accept that while family bonds matter, there comes a point when adults are expected to take responsibility for their own lives, or at least to make a genuine effort to do so.
You might start by setting clear boundaries: Explain that your home is open to him only if he takes concrete steps toward getting help. But you have to mean it. And you have to convey from the outset that this is not a permanent solution. Your hope is that, with support — perhaps some combination of counseling and medication — he'll be able to live on his own. You'll have to set a timeline for that. If he is just going through the motions, you'll know soon enough. If he genuinely commits, you can decide together what independence looks like and how he might get there.
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