I've made a huge mistake by leaving wife for exciting sex with younger lover – how do I win her back?

The Sun

21-05-2025

DEAR DEIDRE: A YEAR after leaving my wife for my mistress, I have learned it is true that the grass is not always greener on the other side.
I realise I made a huge mistake, which I will regret until my dying day. How can I tell my ex that I'm sorry and I want her back?
I'm 46 and my ex-wife is 45. My current partner, who used to be my lover, is 32.
My wife and I were married for 15 years and had a son together.
Three years ago, I started having a classic mid-life crisis.
My life felt stale. But instead of acknowledging I needed to change my career and take up a hobby, I stupidly decided that my marriage was the problem.
While I loved my wife, our sex life had become dull, and I took her for granted. We never did anything together, and our conversations were all about our son or the house.
So, when I met a good-looking younger woman through work, I thought she was the answer. Her interest in me was flattering. The sex was exciting and frequent, and we went out and had fun together.
After six months of lying and sneaking around, I walked out on my wife.
When I told her I had met someone else, she was absolutely devastated.
My son was in bits too. I moved out to a rented flat, and we went through a painful divorce.
Now, 18 months into my new relationship, the sex is no longer so great.
Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships
She's immature and, if I'm honest, she bores me.
I'd do anything to get my wife and son back.
DEIDRE SAYS: You've learned a very painful lesson. It's possible your wife still loves you and will take you back. But it's highly unlikely that she will be able to trust you again.
And she might not want to give you the opportunity to hurt her – and your son – for a second time.
The truth is, you were selfish, and it's important to ask yourself if you're still only thinking about what you want.
Some time alone would help you to figure things out.
It sounds as if there is no future with your lover, but instead of rushing into another relationship, or trying to woo your ex, take your time and focus on rebuilding your relationship with your son.
Counselling could help you to work through your feelings.
My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, will guide you.
SINGLE AND STUCK BEING LIVE-IN CARER FOR MOTHER
DEAR DEIDRE: I'VE been single for almost my whole life and I've now accepted I will never have a serious relationship.
At 40, I'm still living with my mother. She's old and sick, so I can't leave her – and if I did, I'd be even more alone.
I had a couple of girlfriends in my teens and early-20s, but they didn't last. Since then, there's been nobody.
There's nothing wrong with the way I look and I have a job, but women just aren't interested in me. It's clear they judge me for living with my mother.
I'm capable of being independent, but she's a widow and I'm an only child, so how can I abandon her? I'm trapped.
I've watched all my peers settle down and have kids. Fate seems to have decided that's not for me.
My life feels so pointless and empty. What can I do to help myself?
DEIDRE SAYS: Life might feel hopeless right now, but nothing stays the same forever.
You're clearly a loving son, but if living with your mother is making you unhappy, perhaps it's time to look at other options.
Talk to her – and her doctor or social services – about getting a carer, so you can have some independence.
If you're lonely, a relationship isn't the only solution. Making friends through activities you enjoy, could be rewarding – and might also lead to romance.
See my support pack, Widening Your Social Scene.
FEAR HE HAS LUBE FOR SEX WITH MEN
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner can't get an erection with me, but I found a used tube of lubricant in his backpack.
Now I'm wondering if he's actually gay and sleeping with men instead.
We're both in our early-30s and have been together for two years. When we first got together, we did have a sex life, but it was never great and soon fizzled out.
He always says he's too stressed and tired, and just wants to hug me instead.
If I express my sexual frustration, he gets annoyed. I love him, and I hoped things would get better.
But the other day, when I went to get some dirty clothes to wash from his backpack, I found the lube.
I felt sick. I haven't said anything because I don't know how to bring it up, and I'm scared of upsetting him.
DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship isn't making you happy, and sounds unhealthy.
You deserve a sex life, yet your partner won't discuss his lack of interest or erectile difficulties, and you're scared to rile him.
There's no communication or trust in your relationship.
I'm sorry to say, but things won't get better on their own.
If he won't talk to you honestly, without getting nasty, or go to the doctor about his lack of desire, then perhaps you need to think about breaking up.
Read my support pack, Ending A Relationship.
PAL AVOIDING ME AFTER OUR KISS
DEAR DEIDRE: I'VE been confused about my feelings for my female best friend ever since I kissed her and joked that we'd make a good couple.
Although I've always thought of myself as straight, I'm now wondering if I might be a lesbian or bi. I think she's questioning her sexuality too.
We're both 21-year-old students, and have been friends for three years.
A few weeks ago, we were at a party and both got very drunk. At one point, we were dancing, and I grabbed her and kissed her spontaneously.
She seemed surprised, but kissed me back. Afterwards, we laughed about it and said it was a shame we're both straight, as we'd be perfect together. I didn't feel anything at the time, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since.
I've even had sexy dreams about her.
I know she's worrying about this too, because she's been a bit off with me recently.
It feels like she's avoiding spending time alone with me. But when she doesn't think I'm looking in her direction, I catch her staring at me.
This is really preoccupying me, and I'm not sure what to do.
And sometimes, just having strong feelings of friendship for one specific person can transform into sexual attraction.
It sounds like your friend is probably experiencing the same confusion as you.
So it would be a good idea to discuss this with her, both for the sake of your future friendship and simply so you can be there for each other.
My support packs, Gay Support and Bisexual Questions, both contain details of organisations you and your friend can contact for further help and advice.