The ‘Secret Lives of Mormon Wives' Loves to Gossip and That's OK
In my personal—non-mormon—experience, talking about friends behind their backs is key to maintaining healthy relationships. It's not about only being positive, it's about making sure no one finds out when you're being...not so nice.
Tell that to a member of MomTok, however, and it would be like suggesting they commit treason. 'Talking behind each other's backs is kind of the opposite of what MomTok is supposed to stand for,' Layla Taylor, one of the youngest members of the cast, says in a season 2, episode 8, 'The Book of Betrayal.' This is her reasoning for giving Taylor Frankie Paul, the most famous and messiest of the group, access to her private group chat with fellow MomTokers Demi Engemann, who was conspiring to kick Taylor out of MomTok.
It's an unnecessary move, one that can only end in disaster, but Layla does it because MomTok is allegedly about 'women supporting women.' And in her world, this generic feminist motto means that she needs to betray one friend (Demi, who called Taylor 'dumber than a rock' in the texts) to prove loyalty to another (Taylor). In a surprise to no one, this leads to a showdown between Demi and Taylor in the season 2 finale that ends with Demi walking out on MomTok altogether.
What the Mormon wives fail to understand is that everyone needs—and deserves—a trusted confidante. One person you can tell anything to who wont immediately rat you out. For me, it's my twin sister.
I was pretty young when I realized that I couldn't stop myself from talking about friends behind their backs. Complaining to my twin about how one of our friends said something kind of dumb or dated a guy I didn't like—or committed some other annoying offense that wasn't worth actually fighting about—kept me from saying something I'd regret to their faces. Instead of hurting someone's feelings or blowing up a friendship, I could just complain quietly. And then...let it go.
Think of it as a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy: I won't tell you what bitchy thing I've said about you behind your back, and vice versa. And, we can agree that if we ever have a real problem, we'll tell each other. This way, no petty infraction can ruin years of friendship.
I don't blame Taylor for being curious about what her friends were saying about her. But is Demi even really her friend? Throughout the season, the women are trying to decide whether MomTok is a business or a friend group, with most leaning heavily towards the former. So, if MomTok is a business first, friendship group second, then why do the women need to know every little thing anyone says about them? It would be like if your best friend came to your workplace and started repeating back all your office gossip.
The moms might say it's in the name of feminism but I, for one, don't buy it. Exposing a friend's private complaint isn't 'women supporting women.' And—I'm sorry—it's also not 'accountability.'
The women of MomTok are obsessed with the idea of 'taking accountability for your actions.' Why does Taylor confront Demi for calling her 'dumber than a rock'? Because she wants her to 'take accountability' in front of the group, God, and all of us watching at home. But this isn't a way of righting a clear case of harm, it's a tool to cause shame and put someone at a disadvantage.
Admittedly, this kind of conflict does make for really great television. But if it's a choice between MomTok enduring and Jessi knowing everything Demi has ever said about her hair salon, I would choose MomTok every time. So let this be a lesson to the Mormon Wives: Talk about each other all you want, and, sure, do it in front of the cameras—it's literally your job!—but don't betray each other's confidence and don't take it personally. Otherwise, MomTok really won't survive.
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If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here.
