My girlfriend had sex with a man who loves S&M & now she wants me to treat her like dirt and call her a s**t during sex
1
DEAR DEIDRE: MY on-off girlfriend and I recently got back together and everything was going brilliantly until she started to ask me to belittle her during sex.
We'd had a good sex life before, nothing wild, but it was far from boring. Still, her request completely threw me - mostly because it's an unwelcome reminder of her x-rated antics while we were apart.
I know she had a couple of flings but there was one guy who she was with for a couple of months and he was into everything - sex parties, S&M, the lot.
My girlfriend told me she doesn't have feelings for him but has admitted they had "a lot of fun in the bedroom together".
So now when she asks me to call her derogatory names - all I can think is that she is imagining this other bloke. It's killing me.
The other problem is that she now says she can't get sexually excited unless I call her names, or role play being her pimp, but the whole thing is a complete turn-off for me.
She literally begs me to call her worthless or a filthy sl*t. She wants me to dominate completely in the bedroom.
The last time we had sex, I felt so uncomfortable but managed to call her 'dirty'. Afterwards she told me it wasn't enough.
She complains I'm not convincing enough, and I hated every second of it.
I love her, so why on earth would I want to treat her like dirt?
But what does our long term relationship look like if I can't give her what she wants sexually?
I'm worried she thinks I'm boring and unadventurous and that she may even be re-thinking getting back together with me.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend has developed a kink after being introduced to being belittled in the bedroom by another partner.
Half-heartedly going along with her new demands, in the hope the issue will somehow miraculously resolve itself, is unrealistic.
Talk to your girlfriend and let her know why this new development makes you feel so uncomfortable.
Dear Deidre: Understanding why your man's gone off sex
Explore if there is a compromise to be had while making sure you are outlining your boundaries.
But also know there is nothing boring about caring for your girlfriend. You have your preferences and have every right to own them with pride.
Nobody - male or female - should ever do anything that makes them uncomfortable just to keep their partner happy.
You have a right to refuse to degrade her, and if she loves you she will accept your decision.
If she doesn't, it suggests she cares more about her own sexual thrills than your feelings.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help.
Perhaps you could experiment with other sexual activities which are kinky but not degrading.
If you can't find a compromise or other ways to enjoy your sexual connection, I'm sorry but you may have to accept that she is not the girl for you.
My support pack Kinky Sex Worries explains more.
Dear Deidre's Kinky Sex Files
Deidre's mailbag is stashed full with kinky dilemmas. One reader started questioning everything after learning about her husband's disturbing kink; a different subscriber wrote in because his wife blamed his sexual kinks for her affair, while one man struggled to communicate his discomfort about his wife's extreme fantasies.
The Kinky Truth
No form of sharing physical pleasure and satisfaction is wrong between a loving couple, as long as both are participating willingly and with genuine enjoyment, and as long as neither of you is being hurt, either physically or emotionally.
If something is sexually off putting for one partner but a turn on for another, it won't help to tag it as dirty or perverted.
What one of us finds erotic, another finds degrading. What one thinks of as stimulating and erotic, another rejects as pornographic and disgusting.
It helps enormously when trying to sort out this kind of issue as a couple not to start taking moral standpoints and judging one another, but to see it as a practical problem you need to negotiate your way around.
What actually matters here is that you don't want to do it. If you'd only do it under pressure, then it cannot be fun or pleasurable for you.
That's not to say it isn't worth trying some new things that might be pushing the boundaries for you.
If the rest of your relationship is a strong one then you may surprise yourself and find you are wonderfully turned on by the very thing you have never dared try.
At the least, even if you don't enjoy everything you try, you may find you and your partner can now enjoy enough variation to take the heat out of the conflict.
In fact, serious conflicts over sex usually come down to a problem in the relationship generally.
If you are with a partner who really loves you, they aren't going to want to upset you by pressing for out-of-the ordinary sex that you find distasteful or worrying.
If this is causing a great deal of conflict between you, it's well worth while making an appointment to see a counsellor to find out what is really at issue and how it can be resolved.
By Sally Land, The Sun's Agony Aunt.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page or email us at:
deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
BBC News
28 minutes ago
- BBC News
How FA's new transgender policy is affecting players
Billie Sky has just helped her team to promotion but now she cannot play for them is one of 28 transgender women registered with the Football Association to play amateur football in England who are banned from playing FA-affiliated women's the UK Supreme Court's ruling on 16 April that the legal definition of a woman is based on biological sex, the English football's governing body said that from 1 June only those born biologically female will be permitted to play women's football at all ruling has forced Sky to stop playing competitive 11-a-side football for one of her teams, London Galaxy. She will still be able to play informally for her other - Goal Diggers FC - as the club has withdrawn from all FA-affiliated leagues in response to the new policy."I just took part in a season with London Galaxy and helped them earn promotion," she told BBC Sport. "Now I can't play with them, which is really sad. I put a lot of commitment into that club."What am I supposed to do? Go and play with the men? Because I don't feel safe playing there. And all of my team-mates want me here."BBC Sport approached a number of grassroots footballers who support the did not want to go on record with their opinions because of a fear of reprisals, but one footballer, who plays in the sixth tier of the women's game, was willing to speak (not her real name) believes the FA's new policy "protects the integrity of women's football that we have fought for so long to attain".The issues around the policy have been described by the FA as a "complex subject" and wider debates have centred on inclusion, sporting fairness and safety in women's sport. 'It's been my life' When avid football fan Sky first transitioned, she had given up on the idea of sport, but that changed when she was encouraged to join Goal Diggers FC, an inclusive club based in London."I think I had the first moments of my life where I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'm trans or different or weird or something. I just felt like another person here," the 28-year-old said."It was a community that I found and I loved it. And since then it's been my life. My identity is very much one of football."Sky, who came out as transgender four years ago, said she "had a feeling" the ban was coming."It does feel scary," she said. "It feels like a little bit of my safety net has just been taken away."I felt like there's this real empowering nature to football for me, as I've become more confident on the pitch, I've become more confident as a person. And I feel like losing some of that opportunity to continue that storyline."The FA has written to transgender players facing a ban, offering "online talking therapy" or support in taking another route in women's football, such as refereeing or coaching. Sky has declined the offer."I guess I could go into coaching or refereeing, but that's not what the love of the game is for me," said Sky, who is a graphic designer. "It's being out there on the pitch, connecting with people, giving 100% until the last minute."Sometimes I wonder if I should just leave the country. I've lived in London my whole life. I love this city in so many ways, but I feel like it doesn't want me here." 'A deep sense of reassurance' Georgie started playing football when she was five and grew up around the game, with her two brothers and uncle heavily involved in the sport."When I heard about the FA's decision, it gave me a deep sense of reassurance," she said."I was happy that something was being done to protect the integrity of the women's game, a space that means so much to me and so many other women and girls."This isn't about excluding anyone. It's about recognising the importance of fairness and safety in sport."Georgie, who is in her early 20s, says her view is deeply rooted in the scientific research that suggests the physiological differences established during male puberty create advantages that cannot be fully reversed with hormone is limited research into what effect transitioning can have on an athlete - because there are so few transgender athletes. However, studies are currently under also told BBC Sport that her opinions are shared by the rest of her team and have been shaped by their experiences."One of the teams we faced included two transgender women. I've seen first-hand how the physical differences played out on the pitch," she said."This isn't something we see week in, week out in the women's game... None of us had consented to be part of that kind of match-up, and yet we were put in that position."What's worse is that when we try to speak up, we're told not to. As captain, my coach made it clear that saying anything to the match officials or to the FA - even politely - would likely result in punishment. That fear of retribution silences so many of us."On11 April the FA updated its rules to allow trans women - who are biologically male - to continue to play in women's football under stricter criteria before changing its policy a few days later after the Supreme Court said she hoped "we can continue to work towards creating spaces within football where transgender women can participate in a way that's safe, fair, and respected".
BBC News
28 minutes ago
- BBC News
Great Stukeley aunt helps raise £20k in memory of teenage niece
A medical secretary has helped raise £20,000 in memory of her niece who died from cancer when she was 18. Sarah Doherty, who works at Hinchgbrooke Hospital in Huntingdon, walked 24-miles (38km) across 21 bridges to raise funds for the charity Young Lives vs niece Abi Quinlisk died at the same hospital in September, within hours of being told she had acute myeloid leukaemia. Ms Doherty, from Great Stukeley, Cambridgeshire, was joined by Ms Quinlisk's friends and family members, including her parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. "Around 137 of us completed the walk and collectively we raised £20,000 from various fundraising pages," Ms Doherty said."It was a great day, with so many people to talk to along the way it didn't feel like 24 miles - we all had the determination to finish for our girl."The London event was part of a long-running fundraising programme for the charity, which helps children and young people aged up to 25, as well as their Quinlisk's uncle, Paul Jenner, has been supporting one of its main fundraising events for years, a cycle ride from England to Ireland. This year the ride will be called Abi's Tour. Ms Doherty said her niece's diagnosis "was totally out of the blue - we didn't know she had this illness until a few hours before she passed away". Follow Cambridgeshire news on BBC Sounds, Facebook, Instagram and X.
BBC News
28 minutes ago
- BBC News
Savoy tea for two comes true at Northampton care home
One of the UK's best-known hotels has stepped in to make a Christmas dream come true for two care home and Jean, who live at Collingtree Park near Northampton, said they had always wanted to take afternoon tea at The Savoy in the Strand in hotel obliged with a hamper of treats, some genuine Savoy bone china, and a handwritten copy of their scone recipe for the home's ladies said they were "treated like royalty". The story began when the home's activities co-ordinator, Martin Tilly-Reed, set up a Christmas wishing tree for residents to reveal their hopes and dreams for got all kinds of responses, but the one from Betty and Jean caught his Tilly-Reed got in touch with The Savoy to see if they would make the ladies' dream a reality. The hotel was built by the impresario Richard D'Oyly Carte with profits from his Gilbert and Sullivan opera productions and opened on 6 August has three restaurants, all managed by Gordon Ramsay, but would they be able to bring something of their opulence to a South Northamptonshire care home?The answer came in the shape of a hamper of Savoy treats, a bone china Savoy tea service, and handwritten instructions for the Collingtree Park chef to create Savoy scones for all the residents. Betty and Jean said: "It has been the most fantastic afternoon, we have been treated like royalty."We had the most beautiful fine bone china, delicious Savoy black tea, home-made Savoy scones, and gorgeous Savoy preserves as well."Such a day to remember and so lovely to be able to share it with all our friends here and all the staff who really are heaven-sent."The acting general manager of the home, Catherine Campbell, said: "The Christmas wishing tree was Martin's idea and he is busy fulfilling all our residents' wishes."This one took a little while to pull off but was it worth the wait." Follow Northamptonshire news on BBC Sounds, Facebook, Instagram and X.
