Our sex sessions go on for too long
A. Lots of men, especially those who grew up watching porn, misguidedly believe that being able to have sex for ages without climaxing is a real skill. Because women generally take longer than men to become aroused enough to achieve orgasm, it can be advantageous for a man to be able to sustain an erection. However, consistently extended sex sessions are unfortunately more likely to cause extreme discomfort than to give her an orgasm.
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The most obvious (and easy) solution to this problem is just to tell him that you'd like to mix things up a bit. Explain that sometimes all you actually want is a quickie — and that you find spontaneity extremely erotic. He is unlikely to take offence or react sensitively to this approach — if that's something you're worried about. However, if you are worried about how he will respond, you could also, not to be euphemistic, take matters into your own hands. By taking control and becoming a more active and assertive sexual partner, you are likely to find he achieves orgasm more quickly — as well as making the experience more varied and so enjoyable, hopefully for both of you. Get on top. Use your hands. Use your voice (research shows that 'copulatory vocalisation' aka moaning, hastens male orgasm). You could also introduce sex toys, if that feels like something you'd enjoy. Varying his sensory experience generally ensures that he will reach climax more rapidly. Having sex in different places will also help to change the pace.
If you do all of this and nothing changes, your new partner may not actually be capable of speeding things up, however. Delayed ejaculation (DE) is a diagnosable condition that is defined as an active 'thrusting' threshold of more than 20 to 25 minutes during penetrative sex. It is not particularly common — about 5 to 10 per cent of men are affected by the condition. The five most common causes identified in research are anxiety/distress (41 per cent), inadequate stimulation (23 per cent), low arousal (18 per cent), medical issues (9 per cent), and partner issues (8 per cent). DE can also be a side-effect of antidepressants, drinking too much or taking drugs such as valium. It can also happen as a result of pudendal neuropathy which is most frequently caused by a crush to the perineum from cycling, particularly when a bike has a narrow racing saddle.
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If this is the issue, your new partner needs to talk to a doctor, but he may need your support to do so. Men can be dreadful at seeking medical help at the best of times, but this is even more true when the issue relates to sexual function. Getting a diagnosis is important, however, because DE can be an early indication of underlying health conditions such as diabetes or neuropathy. The good news is that one of the easiest ways to help men with DE to climax sooner is to introduce vibratory stimulation. In one small study, 36 men who had difficulty achieving orgasm were taught to use a vibrator during sex. After three months, 62 per cent had climaxed during sex. Even if your partner doesn't meet the criteria for DE, introducing additional stimulation may help you to speed things up.Send your questions to weekendsex@thetimes.co.uk
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