What you need to know before you call someone "Toxic"

Yahoo

2 days ago

We all know what it feels like to be around toxic energy. Toxic behavior isn't always obvious or intentional. Sometimes, it's survival mode in disguise. Other times, it's unhealed pain masked as control, criticism, or silence. In today's TikTok Therapy world, we throw around the term 'toxic' often, but rarely turn the lens inward. We're quick to call out ghosting, gaslighting, and manipulation in others, but what if the red flags are in the mirror? What happens when we pause and ask: Could I be showing up in ways that hurt the people I care about? This piece explores 7 subtle ways we might unknowingly bring toxic energy into our relationships and how awareness can lead to change. This isn't about shame, it's about courage. Let's gentle look inward before we point any fingers…
Do you deflect blame or justify your mistakes? Accountability isn't about perfection, it's about owning your impact. If you often say things like 'Sorry you feel that way' or 'I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't…,' you might be dodging responsibility. If vulnerability was punished in your past, defensiveness may feel like self-protection.
Try to shift:
Replace blame with honest reflection.
Shift from 'Why is this happening to me?' to 'What can I do next?'
Do you correct, critique, or offer 'honest feedback' that no one asked for? There's a fine line between being real and being rude. If you regularly highlight flaws without balancing encouragement, it could be toxic. We often judge others where we feel most insecure ourselves.
Try to shift:
Offer the compassion you wish you'd received
Swap unsolicited advice for active listening.
Do you sulk, withdraw, or guilt-trip when disappointed? Manipulation isn't always calculated. Sometimes, it's a learned way to cope when direct communication seems unsafe. If expressing needs was ignored or punished, guilt might feel like the only option.Yet, no matter the underlying reason, yielding power over someone else isn't healthy.
Try to shift:
Practice stating your needs clearly. Map them out by yourself first.
Know that you're allowed to want things, and to ask directly.
Do you take 'no' personally? Are you often trying to change people's minds? Respecting boundaries is a critical relationship skill. If you find yourself pushing back when others set limits, it may be time to pause. If boundaries weren't modeled in childhood, they may feel like rejection now.
Try to shift:
Learn to recognize boundaries as safety that protects you and others too.
Reflect on your own boundaries.
Practice asking people to share their boundaries in times you are unclear.
Do people feel uplifted or drained after being around you? Honest venting can be okay at times, but if you're often stuck in complaint mode, it can impact those around you. What examples do you have of raising the vibe and how does that compare to dampening the energy? Negativity can feel protective, like bracing for impact, but it also can inhibit connection.
Try to shift:
Notice and name small wins and joys.
Ground your honesty in hope.
Do you plan everything, lead everything, and struggle to let go? Control can feel like safety when you've experienced chaos or betrayal. Fear of abandonment and the unknown often fuel control. While these are understandable anxieties, without working on them the need for control can eave others feeling suffocated.
Try to shift:
Create a safe space to explore your fears of letting go
Focus on building inner safety.
Trust what's meant for you won't require force to stay.
Do you ghost, shut down emotionally, or quietly build resentment? Sometimes toxicity is in what we don't do. Silence, avoidance, and passive withdrawal are all signs of disconnection. Avoidance often stems from fear of confrontation or not feeling safe to express emotion.
Try this:
Reflect on the difference between acceptance and avoidance
Start small, you don't have to tackle your biggest problems first.
Maybe you're wondering, 'Does this mean I'm toxic?' Not necessarily. Truth be told, if your toxicity was sky-high you likely wouldn't have made it this far into this article. If you did notice room for growth, excellent work! It's that awareness, that we often overlook, that sparks impactful change. Before you go please remember, no one is perfect, and being willing to look at the truth is meaningful work.