Is your partner REALLY gaslighting you or is he just lying? Expert reveals how to tell if you're being manipulated

Daily Mail​

4 days ago

An expert has revealed the difference between lying and gaslighting - as well as defining both the activities.
Gaslighting has become somewhat of a buzzword both online and in real-life conversations, with people regularly accusing others of the nefarious behaviour.
But often, what people describe as gaslighting is actually just lying - so what's the difference?
Dr Sohom Das is a forensic psychiatrist, from London, who also runs an eponymous YouTube channel.
He shares content about crime, mental health conditions, and psychology, among other topics.
His previous video topics include how having ADHD can affect your love life, why women are more likely to binge watch true crime than men, and six reasons why female prison officers have sex with inmates.
In one of his videos, which is titled The difference between gaslighting and lying, he explained how people can differentiate between the two.
Speaking in the clip, he said: 'Do you know why gaslighting is more than simply lying? Don't worry, I'll explain it to you, and I'll also give you three specific scenarios to outline the differences.'
Dr Das added that both gaslighting and lying involve distortion of the truth, however, they differ in both intent and impact.
'Lying typically involves a conscious and deliberate attempt to deceive somebody about a specific fact or event,' said the psychiatrist.
'Gaslighting, on the other hand, is a more insidious form of manipulation that aims to erode the victim's sense of reality and self worth.'
First, he explained how the intent between the two behaviours diverges.
Dr Das said: 'With lying, the primary intent is to conceal information, to avoid consequences or to gain an advantage.
'With gaslighting, the primary intent is to control the victim, undermine their confidence and make them question their own sanity.
'It's utilized to distort the victim's entire perception of reality, including their memories, feelings and judgments.'
The expert then went on to describe three scenarios, explaining how each could be a sign of either lying or gaslighting.
GASLIGHTING IN RELATIONSHIPS
Gaslighting is a term that refers to trying to convince someone they're wrong about something even when they aren't.
Most commonly, it takes the form of frequently disagreeing with someone or refusing to listen to their point of view.
Many of us might be guilty of some mild form of gaslighting from time to time – refusing to hear what our partner has to say even if they're in the right or persistently disagreeing over some minor quibble, even when you aren't sure of your position.
It can be a real form of abuse. When it's done repeatedly, over a long period of time, it can have the effect of making someone doubt their own ideas about things – or even question their sanity.
Source: Relate
Dr Das said: 'Number one, a partner tells their spouse that they were working late when they were actually at a bar with friends.
'So they are lying to conceal their actions, to avoid an argument and to avoid the silent treatment for the next four days.'
However, he noted, 'if the same man does this, but also accuses their spouse of being overly sensitive or of imagining things, even when the spouse expresses valid concerns, [that is] gaslighting'.
The intent in this scenario, the psychiatrist explained, is 'to undermine the spouse's confidence and control their behaviour'.
Describing another hypothetical scenario, he said an unpleasant older brother may spread a lie about their younger sibling having an STD in order to cause embarrassment, and to stop someone from wanting to date them.
'That is a lie, plain and simple,' said Dr Das.
He continued: 'However, once he's been caught, [if] that same nasty older brother dismisses your concerns, telling you that you are overreacting or making things up that is gaslighting.'
The psychiatrist's third scenario related to a hypothetical situation in the workplace.
He explained: 'Your boss says that he didn't receive your quarterly finance report simply because he's too lazy to analyse it in time for the board meeting. That, again, is a basic lie.'
But, he said, if your boss constantly criticises your work - even when the quality is good - then 'the intent there is to manipulate you as an employee and to maintain that kind of power dynamic'.
Closing the video, Dr Das said: 'In conclusion, while both lying and gaslighting involve deception, gaslighting is a more harmful and insidious form of manipulation that can have devastating impact on the victim's mental and emotional well being.'
The term 'gaslighting' originates from a 1938 play that explored psychological torment - Gas Light, by British playwright Patrick Hamilton, which is set in Victorian London.
The story centres on a husband, Jack Manningham, who convinces his wife Bella she is going insane. While he searches their attic for hidden jewels belonging to a woman he murdered, he repeatedly dims the gas lights in the house.
When Bella notices and questions the change in lighting, her husband insists she's imagining it. This sinister act of manipulation, along with his other lies and dismissals, chip away at her grip on reality.
The play was later adapted into the 1944 Hollywood film Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman, which solidified the concept in the cultural imagination.
But it wasn't until the 1960s and 70s that it began to appear in psychological literature. Mental health professionals used 'gaslighting' to describe a specific form of emotional abuse, often in intimate relationships, where one partner systematically undermines the other's confidence and perception of reality.