This viral, women-only app lets you anonymously ‘spill tea' on men—it could actually make dating harder, relationship expert says
Tea was founded in November 2022 by software engineer Sean Cook to help women feel more protected. He was inspired by his mom's bad experiences with online dating — connecting with a catfish and even a criminal, he wrote on LinkedIn. The women-only platform became available for download in 2023 with features like criminal background checks and reverse image search, and it's currently number one on the lifestyle app charts with four million users and a 4.7/5 star rating.
But recently, users have shown less interest in helping and more in shaming. Some videos on TikTok, where the app is currently trending, show women giving men "red flag" and "green flag" reviews based on personal preferences like attractiveness, personality and style, even speculating about their sexuality, finances and how many partners they've had.
Moreover, the app was designed to be private, as screenshots are impossible and women are vetted before being allowed access. Yet users have recorded posts for social media, opening the door for more potentially damaging, defamatory comments.
That's why apps like these can backfire, says Jourdan Travers, a psychotherapist who's worked with over 100 couples.
"Swiping, receiving rejections, and navigating online communication are stressful enough, and Tea sounds like the app that is trying to minimize or remove that discomfort," she tells CNBC Make It. "This initially sounds great, but it doesn't live up to the hype in practice because well-intentioned action can be harmful."
Fifty-seven percent of women say that, in general, dating sites and apps are not a safe way to meet people, according to a 2022 survey from Pew Research Center. But in today's digital age, it's one of the easiest, and most popular, ways to meet people — so it's no surprise that the Tea app has garnered so many fans.
"It's seductive, an app that I can use to gather information about someone I've never met," says Travers. "But in reality, it can kill curiosity and create a dating dynamic that's more about others than you.
A representative for Tea declined CNBC Make It's request for comment.
Travers, who is also the clinical director at telehealth company Awake Therapy, adds that using the platform in hopes of finding juicy gossip or learning every detail about a guy before your first date takes away the opportunity to use your discernment and personal intuition. It also spoils the excitement of making a first impression and building an authentic connection.
"It sends a message to yourself not to trust your judgment and intuition. That you lack the capacity or capability to make decisions about your romantic life, so you need others to validate or affirm that decision instead," she says. "Once you've read something negative—whether factual or not—your brain is wired to start scanning for evidence that supports it. You're walking into the date with a script, not curiosity, and first dates shouldn't feel like a job interview."
The Tea app has been a good source of information and community for lots of women, users say. One App Store review from "AnaNamle" says she was able to freely talk about a traumatic experience with a guy, and connected with another woman who had a similar, but "worse" encounter. A user called "Lala1922$" says she found out a man who was contacting her had domestic violence charges and was awaiting trial.
To gain some knowledge of these kinds of red flags, some "light vetting can be protective," Travers says, like doing a quick google search or making sure that their social media profiles are legit. Other questions and concerns might be better addressed by trusted friends and family.
It's also important to take a few precautionary measures before a date, like meeting in a public place for your first encounter, letting someone know where you're going and with whom beforehand and not sharing personal or sensitive information immediately.
"Aside from that, let the rest unfold organically, and don't skip the part where you learn who they are," she says.
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