I've lost my family because I cheated on my wife instead of sorting out our problems
I cheated on my wife instead of sorting out our problems, and the woman I left her for dumped me because I didn't want kids with her.
The harsh truth is, I've messed up everything and I have nobody to blame but myself.
I'm an idiot and a coward, and don't know how to get my life back on track.
I'm 47 and was married for 15 years. We had two daughters.
But five years ago, our marriage went through a rocky patch. I was under a lot of stress at work and took it out on my wife.
Instead of talking to her, I shut her out. When a work colleague ten years younger than me showed interest, I jumped into bed with her.
My wife discovered our affair and kicked me out. My girlfriend took me in.
But I didn't treat her as well as I should have done. Instead of learning from my past mistakes, I again failed to communicate properly.
And when she said she wanted to have children with me, I said 'no way' and refused to discuss it.
I was still reeling from the loss of being a full-time dad to my daughters. My girlfriend said she couldn't wait to be a mum, as she was heading for 40.
She didn't have time to waste, so broke up with me.
It was only then that I realised how much I loved her and that I did want kids with her.
But it was too late. She'd moved on and started dating someone else.
I still think about her all the time and want to contact her.
I don't know how to move on.
DEIDRE SAYS: You're learning from your mistakes, and that is the first step in moving on.
Contacting your ex, who now has another partner, is looking backward rather than forward, and this won't help you – especially if she responds negatively.
Your feelings for her will fade in time.
Instead, look to rebuild your life and make positive changes for the future.
Be the best dad you can to your daughters.
Try to form a new relationship, and don't repeat the same mistakes this time.
Speaking to a counsellor could also be of help to you.
See my support pack, Moving On, for more advice.
HAUNTED BY LOVER WHO LEFT WITH NO EXPLANATION
DEAR DEIDRE: MANY years after the love of my life left me, I still can't move on. I can't even go to the area where she lives in case I bump into her.
I don't want her back but I do want to be able to stop thinking about her.
I'm 64 and was with her for 20 years.
Our relationship was wonderful and other people said we were the perfect couple.
But after her 40th birthday, things changed and she stopped being affectionate. One day, I came home from work to find a note saying she'd left.
I was blindsided and devastated. That was 12 years ago. Since then, although I've had a few girlfriends, I've never found love again. I just can't let her go. She's always on my mind and her spectre follows me around.
Birthdays and anniversaries are especially hard. How can I get her out of my system once and for all?
DEIDRE SAYS: The way your ex left you was shocking. Although there were signs she wasn't happy, she never talked to you. As a result, you didn't get closure and still can't move forward.
Sometimes, we have to find closure elsewhere. It would help you greatly to talk to a counsellor.
My support pack, How Counselling Can Help, tells you how this process works. Also read my support pack Moving On.
On significant dates, make sure you have an activity planned, so you're not focusing on your ex.
SO MANY EXCUSES NOT TO COMMIT
DEAR DEIDRE: I'M dying to make our relationship official, but the guy I'm seeing won't ask me to be his girlfriend.
He says he wants to wait until 'the honeymoon period is over', which doesn't ring true to me.
I'm starting to doubt whether he really likes me. I feel so insecure. We're both in our mid-twenties and have been dating for four months. I have begun to fall for him.
When I asked him why we aren't official yet, he said it was because he's rushed into relationships in the past, and then it's gone horribly wrong.
He says he wants to make sure we're right for each other first. That all sounds logical but I don't fully believe him.
He can be kind and affectionate, but often makes excuses for why we can't meet and sometimes drops me for his friends.
He says he likes me and sees a future for us, but I feel really anxious.
DEIDRE SAYS: Whatever his reason – he may be scared of getting hurt so is keeping you at arm's length – he's not ready to be official yet and, unfortunately, you can't force him to change.
What's important is that you're feeling unhappy and insecure. Perhaps you need to set yourself a time limit. If things haven't changed by then, and you're still not secure, then walk away.
My support pack, Learning About Relationships, may be helpful to read.
SICK OF PLAYING SECOND FIDDLE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner is still allowing his ex to run his life. He doesn't seem to be able to say no to her ever, and I'm sick of being second best.
He's been separated from his ex-wife for nine years, and yet he still won't divorce her, even though he says he loves me.
If we have a row, he goes running back to her for advice. What should I do?
I'm 38 and he's 49. We've been together for eight years but don't live together.
Years before we met, he was married to a woman with whom he has two kids.
He left her for someone else (a relationship that ended quickly). Recently, he came into some money and promised to take me on holiday.
But his ex said he should treat his kids instead, and he agreed. He told me our trip was off.
He pays maintenance for his kids already, and I don't resent that – it's the right thing to do.
But he also gives his ex extra all the time, and that's not fair when it means I lose out.
I'm not worried he's still in love with her, or that he's cheating on me, but I do feel she comes first. It's making me very unhappy and we're having lots of rows. Am I wrong to feel like this?
DEIDRE SAYS: You're not in the wrong to want your long-term partner to put you first.
It sounds like his ex still has a hold over him and perhaps he feels guilty about the end of their relationship. But that's not an excuse to make you feel second best.
Try talking to him again and telling him how you feel. My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to do this without making him defensive.
It might also help you both to talk to a relationship counsellor. Make an appointment with tavistockrelationships.org.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Independent
20 minutes ago
- The Independent
Portsmouth student from Turkey aims for Oxbridge after all grade 9 GCSE success
A teenager who came to the UK six years ago from Turkey is celebrating after receiving all grade 9s in his GCSEs. Tuna Lokman achieved grade 9 in all of his subjects as well as an A in additional maths at Portsmouth Grammar School. He said: 'I feel good, it was a long three months but it really paid off, hopefully I can carry it on into A-levels.' The 16-year-old from Portsmouth, Hampshire, said his 'dream' was then to get into Oxford or Cambridge to study maths or data science. His mother, Banu, who had tears in her eyes as her son told her his results, said: 'He moved to the UK when he was 10 years old, his language was not English so I thought it would be really difficult for him, that's why I am so emotional. 'It has been an emotional journey for us these five years but it's paid off.' Livs Cook, 16, from Bognor Regis, West Sussex, achieved all 9s apart from an 8 in Spanish and will go on to study A-levels in biology, maths, psychology and English Literature. She said: 'I am very happy, I worked pretty hard, just happy it all paid off. 'It got less stressful as it went on, by the last one I wasn't so stressed.' Her mother, Vicki, said: 'We are really proud, she worked incredibly hard.' Josie Wilson-Smith, 16, from Waterlooville, said: 'I did really well, very happy, all 8s and 9s apart from a 6 in Greek. 'I worked really hard and it paid off which means a lot.' Hattie Broadbridge, 16, from Fareham, achieved all 9s apart from an 8 in geography. The wannabe vet said: 'I'm really happy, I was stressed coming in today as I felt some of the exams didn't go amazing, but they did.' Navishka Kamal, 16, from Portsmouth, said: 'I did really well, I am happy with it. 'A lot of it was being pushed by my friends, it was a group effort, I definitely couldn't have done it without them.' Simone Hellyer, 15, from Portsmouth, said that she was going to celebrate with a game of cricket later. She said: 'I did alright, middle of the road, I got what I needed.'
BBC News
21 minutes ago
- BBC News
Redcar councillor says end of bin tag trial 'disappointing'
A tagging trial to stop residents putting wrong items into recycling bins has been and Cleveland Borough Council began the trials in 2023 with a view to improving recycling rates and reducing contamination, which it said was costing trial had seen recycling rates increase by 7% and a saving of £350,000 over a 12-month period, the council leader Alec Brown said the scheme was only meant to be a short-term "sharp shock". However, Jemma Joy, chair of the council's climate scrutiny committee, said ending the trial was "disappointing." The scheme, which began in Normanby and was extended into Redcar and Brotton, saw blue bins checked for the likes of food waste, nappies and takeaway boxes ahead of the wrong items were found, bins were not emptied and were tagged with an explanation as to why, before a follow-up visit was scheduled with the offending household told what items needed to be one wrong item can contaminate an entire load, costing thousands of pounds to rectify, the council told the Local Democracy Reporting Service (LDRS). 'Real progress' Samples are taken from loads when they arrive at a facility to be recycled and if contaminants are found they have to be separated this proves impossible, waste has to be disposed of by some other method, for example incineration or said bin tagging was never meant to be a long-term said officers had wanted to implement it as "business as usual", but his administration disagreed and ended it instead. Joy, who is also part of the Guisborough Eco Group which works with the council to improve recycling rates, said the pilot showed "real progress".She said: "Decisions like this are too important to be waved through without proper democratic scrutiny. "The bin tagging pilot showed real progress - contamination in recycling bins fell from 48.8% in December 2023 to just 26.9% which means that we get better recycling rates. "This proves that with the right approach people will change their behaviour but behaviour change takes time, effort and consistency." Brown said if contamination "horrifically flares up again" and some [households] have not changed behaviours, then another trial would be implemented. Last year, the council said 40% of recycling sent to the facility it uses in South Bank was contaminated, which increased costs by as much as £100 per said only 33% of household waste in Redcar and Cleveland was being recycled, with the borough one of the worst performing in the rates have inched up in the past few years, this is still down on a recent peak of 40.3% in 2019/ council's climate and scrutiny committee will discuss the decision at its next meeting. Follow BBC Tees on X, Facebook, Nextdoor and Instagram.
The Sun
21 minutes ago
- The Sun
Our iconic high street is a MESS after bungling council ripped up granite cobbles & replaced them with blob of tarmac
RESIDENTS in a historic city have been left fuming after a granite cobbled street was ripped up and repaired with a blob of tarmac. Emergency repair work to fix a water leak in Canterbury, Kent, resulted in the ripping up of granite setts, locals say. 3 3 One section in Burgate Street has now been replaced with black asphalt - which has been described as a mess by disgruntled residents. Clive Bowley, 73, from the Canterbury Society says he heard about the unappealing repairs last week after complaints from other locals. The resident, who works as an architect restoring historic buildings, says it is becoming a pattern in the town with other traditional streets also seeing tarmac patches. He said: "It was brought to our attention by people complaining. I just thought 'oh not again.' It was depressing. "The problem is that service engineers have to go in to do necessary work and they don't reinstate the ground properly afterwards. "There is just a great big patch replaced by tarmac. It is a bit of a mess really. They have done a botched job." Photos show several repairs across the city centre, which has UNESCO World Heritage Site status. Clive, who has lived in Canterbury for over 40 years, says that if these streets aren't restored soon then the historic feel will be ruined. Clive said: "It is all about civic pride really. If things are botched up then it looks a mess and seems like people don't care. It gradually will look more and more scruffy as time goes on. "Burgate is one of the streets that leads down into the heart of a historic area. So, all that end of town is a conservation area and is of special heritage interest. "If they are not put right in due course the town will gradually become a pit of all sorts of patches." Keir Starmer says councils must prove they are making potholes repairs or lose funding Clive claims that he has complained to Kent County Council about the tarmac, and that they have claimed it will be fixed soon. However, he says that many locals believe the unique road materials are now in landfill- and they feel that repairs will be impossible. He said: "The council said that they would press the water company to do it properly. But similar things have happened around the town that were never fixed- so we are a little skeptical. "The other concern is that they have dug up all these specialist materials and we don't know what has happened to them. If the granite setts are thrown away, then we won't be able to get more because they are unique. "Every material used is unique, so you can't just go to the builders' merchants and buy more. My skeptical nature suggests that they probably dumped them." The water mains repairs were completed by South East Water, who insist that this quick fix is only temporary, and say that they will begin restoration next week. Nick Bell, of South East Water, said: "We're sorry to customers in the Canterbury area who have been left upset at the current appearance of the interim surface laid following urgent repairs to the burst water main in Burgate. "This is not the finished reinstatement, but our priority was to backfill the excavation quickly to allow the road to be reopened, rather than prolonging the road closure. "We have ordered the necessary materials to complete the permanent reinstatement, which involves re-setting the granite cobbles to their original condition. "We will be carrying out this work from Thursday, 28 August, and we'll work as quickly as possible to minimise the impact locally and restore the road to its original condition." A spokesman for Kent County Council said that the emergency works were to fix a leak, with the need to reopen the road as quickly as possible. But the authority says the company is obliged to reinstate the road to its original surface within six months.
