My mum is having a dirty affair with our neighbour… and I've seen the videos of them having sex – do I tell Dad?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY mum has been having an affair with our neighbour and I can't unsee the evidence.
I've seen naked selfies - of both of them - but the worst has to be the video I stumbled across of them having sex.
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I'm so upset with her. She's lied repeatedly to my face and put me in the worst position possible.
My dad absolutely adores her. This will shatter him.
I'm an only child and 23, Mum is 52 and Dad is 55.
This neighbour has always seemed pretty sleazy to me. He's always creeping around women, giving them sickly compliments. I've always avoided him like the plague.
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One year ago, when I saw mum had sent him a topless pic, I was really upset.
Confronting her was so awkward but she explained it away saying it had meant to be for Dad but she'd sent it to the wrong number in haste.
She told me the neighbour had been very 'understanding' and had deleted the image in front of her 'which had put her mind at ease'.
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But just a few days ago I borrowed her iPad to watch films on a long train ride.
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I couldn't believe it when I settled down to watch my downloaded films and spotted a folder marked with this neighbour's name. I mean how brazen is that - using his name.
Heart pumping I opened up to see more nude selfies than I could count and the worst a home filmed video of them having sex.
Dear Deidre: Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
She'd lied to me!
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Clearly they'd been having a full blown affair and even after I stumbled across that first picture, Mum had continued.
This feels like such a huge betrayal - not just for Dad, but for me also.
I mean what woman continues with such reckless behaviour even after their child has uncovered their cheating?
Mum was my idol. I wanted to be like her when I grew up - stylish, creative and kind. Now I feel so lost.
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I realise I need to let her - or Dad - know, but I'm dreading it. Nothing will be the same once those words leave my lips.
What should I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS:
Everything changed the moment you saw that folder and understood your mum had been lying to you for over a year already.
It's entirely natural to feel abandoned when learning that a parent has had an affair. But in your case the sense of betrayal will be even more keen.
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Not only did your mum lie to you when you discovered the first naked selfie, but she continued her reckless behaviour, putting her own needs before yours.
Lending you her iPad - the very device where these incriminating pics and videos were stored seems belligerent even.
Did she perhaps want to be discovered?
You're right and I'm afraid and you do need to speak to your mum again.
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Let her know how hurt you feel, that she has seriously damaged your relationship and tell her she needs to work on her marriage.
If she doesn't come clean with your dad, you will have no choice but to tell him what she has done.
Your mum's behaviour is worrying and you'll need support to work through the deep sense of being let down by the main person who ought to be looking out for you.
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Please do think about seeing a counsellor either on your own, or even a family therapist, with your mum.
My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains where to find reputable practitioners.
Dear Deidre's Sexting Stories
From flirty DMs to full-blown emotional affairs, sexting has become a recurring theme in Deidre's mailbag. One woman confessed to
SEXTING: DOS & DON'TS
Sexting can be a thrilling way to flirt, build tension, and keep things spicy from a distance. But if you're not careful, what starts as a playful way to connect with a partner can quickly become uncomfortable or risky. Here's how to enjoy it without regrets:
THE DOs
Do check consent
Start by feeling out whether they're into it. A simple
'you in the mood for something cheeky?'
can set the tone without pressure.
Do build slowly
Treat it like foreplay — tease, flirt, escalate. Jumping straight into graphic details can feel jarring.
Do match their energy
If they're sending poetic lines or emojis, don't drop a crude pic out of nowhere. Mirror the vibe.
Do keep it playful
Humour and imagination go a long way. Sexy doesn't have to mean serious.
Do protect your privacy
Use apps with disappearing messages or consider cropping out identifying features if you're sending photos.
THE DON'Ts
Don't assume it's wanted
Unsolicited nudes are never sexy. Ask first — always.
Don't over-rely on visuals
Words can be just as arousing. Use descriptions, fantasies, or voice notes to keep things engaging.
Don't sext under pressure
If you're not feeling it, say so. A good partner will respect your boundaries.
Don't ignore tone shifts
If replies become slow, dry, or disengaged, back off. Consent is ongoing.
Don't forget the risk
Even in trusted relationships, things can change. Screenshots can sometimes last longer than the spark.
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land
is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor
: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton
: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas
: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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