I found strength to end my marriage to my abusive husband but I fear eight-month affair is now over

The Sun

7 days ago

DEAR DEIDRE: I'VE had the most beautiful sex with a colleague — it was the opposite of how my abusive husband treated me and the start of an eight-month affair.
I've even found the strength to end my marriage but now I'm very worried that my love affair is over.
I'm a 43-year-old woman. My work as a radiologist has always been an escape from my toxic relationship.
Over the years I got close to a male colleague who's a couple of years younger than me.
One day a woman came in with a broken arm — her boyfriend had beaten her. The incident really triggered me and this colleague spotted how upset I was.
He invited me for a drink later saying he was worried about me. One drink led to more and we then had incredible sex in his car.
It felt wonderful to be desired again.
He wasn't happy with his wife and within weeks we admitted we loved each other.
My marriage, to my mind, had ended long ago. My monster of a husband became abusive after his mother died. He's 47.
He began drinking heavily and would beat me but always ensured I could hide my bruises.
Two months ago my lover left his wife to rent a flat in town and I finally left my husband. I decided I wouldn't move straight in, just in case of gossip.
Now this guy has been seconded to a different department and he's not answering calls or texts.
I'm pleased to be out of my marriage but I'm worried about the future with the new man I love.
Dear Deidre: Cheating and can you get over it
It is wise not to hurtle into your next relationship, and to have suggested living separately.
The thrill of an affair is so different to a committed relationship. Once you mentioned 'gossip', he may have been worried about how his bosses, friends or family would see things.
At best, accept he's mixed up and needs some space. He's not handled this well but tell him you're ready to talk when he is – but give yourself a time limit.
See this as your opportunity to reassess and adjust. If he doesn't come back within that time, you might have to accept he's not in it for the long haul.
Your ex was abusive and perhaps you've fallen for another man you cannot rely on. My support pack, Finding The Right Partner For You, explains more.
CLIMAX IS SLOW SO I DODGE FULL SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: I'VE never had sex with my girlfriend because I'm worried it will take me too long to climax.
She's a virgin and I've had sexual partners in the past, but I've never had full sex.
She's 17 and I'm 19.
We do have a lot of foreplay and sometimes she gives me oral sex but it takes so long for me to get to that peak of excitement. It's been like that with other girls too.
I do things for her but we've not gone all the way because I feel useless.
My girlfriend keeps asking when we are going to have full sex but I'm scared she'll get fed up if it takes too long.
Can you help?
DEIDRE SAYS: The first thing to tell you is that most women don't orgasm through intercourse, so lots of foreplay is exactly what you should be doing.
Many men don't climax through oral sex.
Your first sexual relationship doesn't come with a manual, so you're bound to feel awkward and clumsy but remember, you're in this together and try to enjoy it.
To reach climax you need to feel relaxed and confident together. If you don't get this right the first time, have a giggle about it and try again another day.
My support packs – First-time Fears and Find It Hard To Climax? should help you to feel more confident.
Don't forget to use contraception too.
GIRLFRIEND SEEMS IDEAL BUT FEAR I'M MISSING OUT
DEAR DEIDRE: I LOVE my girlfriend but sometimes I wonder whether the grass is greener.
I've never cheated – in fact, she has been my one and only partner.
We are both 23. I'm a guy and we met at university and now live together in our university town. We have been loyal to one another, where other couples we know have cheated and had fall-outs.
People ask us what the secret is – maybe it's that we rarely argue. I often think she's the female version of me.
My parents are still together but their best friends are going through a divorce after 25 years together. I do wonder whether this could ever happen to us.
Is it possible for you to love one person and never stray towards fancying somebody else?
DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, of course. But even in the most solid of relationships it's normal to fancy a person outside of the partnership.
The difference is whether you act on it or not. The key is realising that what you are looking for, you already have.
In our teens and 20s we try lots of relationships but it's usually painful.
If you've hit the jackpot with your girlfriend already, then that's fantastic. Don't spoil things by looking elsewhere for a change of personality.
My support pack, Learning About Relationships, will help unscramble your feelings.
IT'S CLEAR MUM FAVOURS BRUV
DEAR DEIDRE: IT'S said that parents don't really have favourites but my mother definitely does – my brother.
She smothers him with love. He's a grown man of 27 and he lives with his girlfriend and I bet she's sick of it. My mum texts him every single night and says goodnight to them both.
I'm a woman of 24 and I live with my boyfriend. Mum rarely messages me.
I have to do all the running around for her because I live near her so she only texts me if she needs something urgently.
I visit her every week and she gives me a list of errands.
If we eat together it's usually a takeaway, yet if my brother visits her once in a blue moon, she'll always cook his favourite roast dinner.
She's 62. Our dad died years ago and Mum never found anyone else to be with.
She has one close friend who goes to church with her and other than that, it's me who calls in on her.
I feel so taken for granted sometimes – I don't want to feel jealous of my brother but I do.
DEIDRE SAYS: My guess is that your brother has more of your father's traits than you do, so she likes to care for him as she once did your dad.
But she may not realise that she's being so obvious and damaging your relationship in the process.
Take your mum out for lunch or a coffee and tell her that you want to talk. Explain that you love her but that her actions are upsetting you.
Gently tell her that while she may not be aware of this, she treats you both quite differently.
If she is reminded of your father when she sees your brother then she can talk with Sue Ryder (sueryder.org, 0808 164 4572) which offers six weeks of free bereavement counselling.
Let's hope she takes your feelings on board and treats you more equally from now on.