Take smoke signals for what they are and move on
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My summer romance is choking on the smoke!
Is this to be expected in our freakish fire situation, or are we just not suited to each other? I'm about ready to throw in the towel.
Here's what happened. My new guy and I were falling in love quickly in June, so we rented a little cottage together for July and August, optimistically thinking the wildfire situation would clear up.
What a sad joke! We have rarely been able to stay at the lake more than two or three days running because of the smoke.
So, we gave up our cottage early, to another couple we know, for the rest of our August rental period. Hopefully they have stronger, healthier lungs than we do.
Smoke really kills the fun of a new romance, because you can't go anywhere together. We were getting really sick of each other, to be truthful. He is a whiny pessimist, and I am always the cheerful optimist.
On days when it was so smoky it was questionable if we'd stay at the lake one more night, I'd say, 'OK, let's just close the windows tight and block around the doors, and stay inside and play board games tonight!' He'd scowl and get way too quiet. I knew he just wanted to jump in the car, and head back to the city.
Most couples don't get 'tested' so hard and so early in their relationship, but our reality is we've had one argument after another. Frankly, his scowling has gotten on my nerves more than the smoke!
Is this happening to everybody, or is it a personal difference between us that can never be resolved?
— Smoked Out, North Kildonan
Dear Smoked Out: Two optimists usually do well together. Oddly, two pessimists can also do well playing 'Ain't it awful' and complaining about everything.
But, optimists and pessimists, like you two, can get on each other's nerves. The optimist tries to buoy both people up and feels crushed by the weight of the response of the pessimist — more sulking, more negativity.
You two opposites are actually lucky to experience the true other early on, and in an extreme situation. You get a forecast of what marriage might be like, when things get difficult. It doesn't matter how many common activities you both enjoy in good times, it's how you react in the hard times that will forecast how you do long-term.
Partnered with a strong and optimistic person like yourself, you could really fly! So, let go of this sad relationship and look to a better future with a happy, hopeful guy.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lost my wife to cancer after a difficult battle. She's 'free' now and I try to comfort myself with that. But now I stand to lose my daughter, too.
She's furious I'm dating the closest friend of my wife, and she's hinting strongly that we must have been cheating behind her sick mother's back to be a new couple so soon after her death.
Miss L., it was a long painful illness, and it hurt everybody watching it happen. By the time my wife died I was praying for the mercy of release, for her.
She even told me to start looking for a new wife, because I was such a loving man! What do I say to my upset daughter now? I can't imagine telling her that!
— Painful Mess, Westwood
Dear Painful Mess: Both you and your wife's best friend need to talk to your daughter privately, and that will take courage.
Be aware that you and your new mate cannot present as a duo to try to work this out with your daughter. Just the visual of you two standing together as a new couple would send her right up the wall.
You need to explain to your daughter — when you're alone — how much you loved her mother and how much you will always miss her. Assure her this new situation was just a friendship while her mom — the great love of your life — was still alive. Your daughter needs to know there was never any competition between this woman and her mother.
But now, you and your wife's friend are both alone, and finding some comfort in being together. Give your daughter the emotional space to reject this speech from you — for a time, at least — and sort it out over coming weeks.
In the meantime, continue with this woman friend, but don't overtly act like a new romantic couple. Forget any public affection. In time, things will feel a lot less painful for everybody. Then one day, you can possibly think about marrying your late wife's friend. Now is definitely not the time, no matter how lonely and sad you may feel.
Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Maureen ScurfieldAdvice columnist
Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.
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Winnipeg Free Press
06-08-2025
- Winnipeg Free Press
Take smoke signals for what they are and move on
Opinion DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My summer romance is choking on the smoke! Is this to be expected in our freakish fire situation, or are we just not suited to each other? I'm about ready to throw in the towel. Here's what happened. My new guy and I were falling in love quickly in June, so we rented a little cottage together for July and August, optimistically thinking the wildfire situation would clear up. What a sad joke! We have rarely been able to stay at the lake more than two or three days running because of the smoke. So, we gave up our cottage early, to another couple we know, for the rest of our August rental period. Hopefully they have stronger, healthier lungs than we do. Smoke really kills the fun of a new romance, because you can't go anywhere together. We were getting really sick of each other, to be truthful. He is a whiny pessimist, and I am always the cheerful optimist. On days when it was so smoky it was questionable if we'd stay at the lake one more night, I'd say, 'OK, let's just close the windows tight and block around the doors, and stay inside and play board games tonight!' He'd scowl and get way too quiet. I knew he just wanted to jump in the car, and head back to the city. Most couples don't get 'tested' so hard and so early in their relationship, but our reality is we've had one argument after another. Frankly, his scowling has gotten on my nerves more than the smoke! Is this happening to everybody, or is it a personal difference between us that can never be resolved? — Smoked Out, North Kildonan Dear Smoked Out: Two optimists usually do well together. Oddly, two pessimists can also do well playing 'Ain't it awful' and complaining about everything. But, optimists and pessimists, like you two, can get on each other's nerves. The optimist tries to buoy both people up and feels crushed by the weight of the response of the pessimist — more sulking, more negativity. You two opposites are actually lucky to experience the true other early on, and in an extreme situation. You get a forecast of what marriage might be like, when things get difficult. It doesn't matter how many common activities you both enjoy in good times, it's how you react in the hard times that will forecast how you do long-term. Partnered with a strong and optimistic person like yourself, you could really fly! So, let go of this sad relationship and look to a better future with a happy, hopeful guy. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lost my wife to cancer after a difficult battle. She's 'free' now and I try to comfort myself with that. But now I stand to lose my daughter, too. She's furious I'm dating the closest friend of my wife, and she's hinting strongly that we must have been cheating behind her sick mother's back to be a new couple so soon after her death. Miss L., it was a long painful illness, and it hurt everybody watching it happen. By the time my wife died I was praying for the mercy of release, for her. She even told me to start looking for a new wife, because I was such a loving man! What do I say to my upset daughter now? I can't imagine telling her that! — Painful Mess, Westwood Dear Painful Mess: Both you and your wife's best friend need to talk to your daughter privately, and that will take courage. Be aware that you and your new mate cannot present as a duo to try to work this out with your daughter. Just the visual of you two standing together as a new couple would send her right up the wall. You need to explain to your daughter — when you're alone — how much you loved her mother and how much you will always miss her. Assure her this new situation was just a friendship while her mom — the great love of your life — was still alive. Your daughter needs to know there was never any competition between this woman and her mother. But now, you and your wife's friend are both alone, and finding some comfort in being together. Give your daughter the emotional space to reject this speech from you — for a time, at least — and sort it out over coming weeks. In the meantime, continue with this woman friend, but don't overtly act like a new romantic couple. Forget any public affection. In time, things will feel a lot less painful for everybody. Then one day, you can possibly think about marrying your late wife's friend. Now is definitely not the time, no matter how lonely and sad you may feel. Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@ or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6. Maureen ScurfieldAdvice columnist Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column. Read full biography Our newsroom depends on a growing audience of readers to power our journalism. If you are not a paid reader, please consider becoming a subscriber. Our newsroom depends on its audience of readers to power our journalism. Thank you for your support.
Winnipeg Free Press
11-06-2025
- Winnipeg Free Press
A little compromise could go swimmingly
Opinion DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: It's June and my cute-but-chubby wife doesn't want to go to any beaches. She was cheated on way back when by a weightlifter guy and blamed it on her imperfect body. I'm betting it was really the fault of her relentless jealousy. I knew she was a jealous woman before we got married, but four years later, I'm so tired of her body-weight hangup that I can't stand it. We haven't been to the beach together in two years. I want her to expose her beautiful round shape to people at the beach — not that they would care. In fact, I think we're a good-looking couple. She's in her 30s and a very sexy woman with long black hair and green eyes. I'm tall and skinny, and I don't want another skeleton like myself to play with in bed. Yet she still thinks I may have roving eyes for skinnier women. I've never wanted that. Today my wife said she would never be into sunbathing on the beach again. Do I really need to scrape up the money to install a pool for us for two or three short months a year because of her weight hangup? I think I just need the water and swimming, and I'm tired of our endless holiday discussion being all about her and her body issues. How can we solve this, and fast? — Annoyed Husband, North Kildonan Dear Annoyed: Why not compromise with an above-ground pool — not big enough to break the bank, but big enough to have fun swimming with friends and family, and also for the two of you to play together in privacy. When it comes to your wife's 'hangups,' have you openly expressed to her how much you like her 'beautiful round' physique? A few compliments — especially when they're honest — can go a long way to boosting someone's self-esteem. When it comes to a backyard plan, your wife might appreciate a funky little change room right by the pool, so she and other shy girlfriends can get into the pool without having to walk much of a distance feeling overly exposed. An above-ground pool may not be the beach proper, but it's certainly way more fun than stubbornly doing nothing. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts; I can't get that song My Boyfriend's Back out of my head because it just happened. My Grade 11 boyfriend came back for our recent high school reunion with no wife anymore. I was there and I'm single again myself. We both felt shy and had lots to drink, but we also got to dance together like old times. He even smelled the same — like beer and Old Port cigars. He phoned me today, and my heart roared. But am I just asking for trouble? — Boyfriend's Back, southwestern Manitoba Dear Boyfriend's Back: The real trouble happens when single-again people lose their derring-do and won't even take a chance on dating old friends or new love interests. So why not avoid any future regret for not acting and go for at least one date with this old boyfriend? If it doesn't work out past a single date or maybe two, you will still have had an enjoyable time. Most people simply don't get enough fun in their grownup working lives, and it's time people try to remedy that by taking some reasonable chances in their social lives. It can be great for both emotional and physical health, and you'll avoid the regret of not even having had the courage to give it a shot. Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@ or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6. Maureen ScurfieldAdvice columnist Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column. Read full biography Our newsroom depends on a growing audience of readers to power our journalism. If you are not a paid reader, please consider becoming a subscriber. Our newsroom depends on its audience of readers to power our journalism. Thank you for your support.
Toronto Sun
05-05-2025
- Toronto Sun
Here are tips to reduce and tame workplace clutter
As households and workplaces embark on spring cleaning, it's possible to reduce clutter and find more mental peace Published May 05, 2025 • Last updated 11 minutes ago • 5 minute read A messy desk. Photo by Getty Images Reviews and recommendations are unbiased and products are independently selected. Postmedia may earn an affiliate commission from purchases made through links on this page. NEW YORK — It starts with a Post-it note scrawled with a reminder. Then a chocolate bar you'll probably eat later. An extra charging cord or two find their way into the mix, along with a laptop, a folder full of projects, a lanyard from a recent conference and a permission slip sent home from school. This advertisement has not loaded yet, but your article continues below. THIS CONTENT IS RESERVED FOR SUBSCRIBERS ONLY Subscribe now to read the latest news in your city and across Canada. Unlimited online access to articles from across Canada with one account. Get exclusive access to the Toronto Sun ePaper, an electronic replica of the print edition that you can share, download and comment on. Enjoy insights and behind-the-scenes analysis from our award-winning journalists. Support local journalists and the next generation of journalists. Daily puzzles including the New York Times Crossword. SUBSCRIBE TO UNLOCK MORE ARTICLES Subscribe now to read the latest news in your city and across Canada. Unlimited online access to articles from across Canada with one account. Get exclusive access to the Toronto Sun ePaper, an electronic replica of the print edition that you can share, download and comment on. Enjoy insights and behind-the-scenes analysis from our award-winning journalists. Support local journalists and the next generation of journalists. Daily puzzles including the New York Times Crossword. REGISTER / SIGN IN TO UNLOCK MORE ARTICLES Create an account or sign in to continue with your reading experience. Access articles from across Canada with one account. Share your thoughts and join the conversation in the comments. Enjoy additional articles per month. Get email updates from your favourite authors. THIS ARTICLE IS FREE TO READ REGISTER TO UNLOCK. Create an account or sign in to continue with your reading experience. Access articles from across Canada with one account Share your thoughts and join the conversation in the comments Enjoy additional articles per month Get email updates from your favourite authors Don't have an account? Create Account And soon, the pile of things on your desk that are set aside for later becomes a giant, overwhelming stack. The chaos of modern life and the ease of accumulating cheap items through online shopping have contributed to an abundance of clutter. That's true in home offices and traditional workspaces alike. And those jumbles of misplaced belongings can drain our mental resources, distracting us from work and dragging down our productivity. 'Clutter reduces our bandwidth. It negatively affects our perception of our environment or ourselves,' said Marietta Van Den Berg, psychiatrist and medical director for Surrey Memorial Hospital in British Columbia. 'It influences whether we make good choices or not. And it even influences our levels of stress and our levels of sleep.' Researchers at UCLA found that women who were living with a high density of household objects had high levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Your noon-hour look at what's happening in Toronto and beyond. By signing up you consent to receive the above newsletter from Postmedia Network Inc. Please try again This advertisement has not loaded yet, but your article continues below. As households and workplaces embark on spring cleaning, it's possible to reduce clutter and find more mental peace. 'Things circulate into our lives all too easily. We need a competitive plan for things to circulate out,' said Matt Baier, owner of Matt Baier Organizing in Stamford, Connecticut. 'A good example of that is buying on Amazon. It's so easy. Boxes come in. We have so many houses that are just piled with boxes, opened and unopened, things that need to be returned, boxes that need throwing out.' A pile of postponed decisions There are many reasons we accumulate clutter. Sometimes we don't know where to put whatever's landed in our hands. Other times a paper represents a task — whether it's paying a bill or making a phone call — that we can't tackle right away. 'Clutter is actually just a postponed decision or action,' Van Den Berg said. 'It's things we pick up and put down. So we're not making a decision about that piece of paper on your desk, or that book.' This advertisement has not loaded yet, but your article continues below. Taking a minute to put an item away in its proper place can save time in the long run. The paper that requires a phone call can go into a bin labeled 'Action Items.' 'If everything's chaotic and you can't find anything, you're not bringing your best self to work,' said Renee Brown, owner of Renee Brown Organizing, based in Minneapolis. Making time for decluttering A messy workspace can be intimidating. But you don't have to tackle it all in one day, Brown said. Committing to small decluttering sessions over the course of a week or months can make a difference. ' Look at your schedule. Can you find 15 minutes or 30 minutes and block it?' Brown asked. If you have more time, spend an hour. Set a timer and see how much you can get done, she advised. Some workplaces are setting aside time for employees to declutter their files and email inboxes weekly or quarterly, said Jenny Albertini, owner of Decluttered by Jenny, who works with individual and corporate clients. This advertisement has not loaded yet, but your article continues below. 'It's OK to spend an hour a week or however much you need to declutter your inboxes, organize your files,' Albertini said. 'Having that time scheduled in is what makes people feel accountable.' Employees can gather on Zoom to support each other while decluttering, she said. Start by sorting Many professional organizers suggest sorting objects of the same category together. That way, you can see how much of each group you have and let go of any extras. After gathering office supplies, you may find you have more staplers or charging cords than you'll ever need. And with the full picture, Albertini said, 'we can suddenly say, 'Oh, I didn't realize I kept buying extra pens, because some were in this drawer, and some were over in this cup, and some were in that shopping bag on the floor.'' Baier, who demonstrates decluttering strategies on YouTube, recommends sorting on a clean surface such as a folding table. Set up bins for trash, recycling and papers to shred. Bankers boxes are convenient for sorting, and you can label them with sticky notes for categories such as electronics, office supplies and keepsakes, he said. This advertisement has not loaded yet, but your article continues below. Label one box 'elsewhere' for items that belong in a different room; but distribute them later so you don't get distracted, Baier said. Once you've sorted items into categories, then go through each box to eliminate what you don't need. Tackling piles of papers When facing a mass of paperwork, consider whether you're legally required to keep certain files, and then ask, 'when was the last time you used this document?' Albertini said. 'Do you have anything coming up that you know you need it for? Is this hard copy the only one? Would you be able to do your work or task if you didn't have this anymore?' she said. Baier recommends dividing papers into four groups: running files, which you need to act on; sitting files, which you need to access regularly; sleeping files, which you need to keep just in case but can store remotely; and dead files, which you no longer need. This advertisement has not loaded yet, but your article continues below. 'Identify why you keep the files, because when you're clear on why you keep something, it takes you to where it should go,' Baier said. With a paper decluttering system in place, you can repeat it annually and it should only take about 20 minutes, he said. Digital decluttering When organizing digital files, take the same approach as paper: Sort into categories, then reduce. Work in short bursts of time to prevent decision fatigue, Albertini said. 'We're really looking to deduplicate items or reduce the number that you have that really aren't that special,' Albertini said. With presentations, delete drafts and keep the final product. If you have photos of an event, choose the best two or three and delete the rest. With email, ask yourself, 'Will I need this email again to get my job done? Will it provide knowledge or motivation for future work?' If the answer is no, delete it, Albertini said. In some email programs, you can automatically send mail from a specific client or team into a folder. If you have thousands of unread emails, you can move those to a digital archive at the end of the year, Brown said. Think before you buy One obvious way to reduce office clutter is to buy fewer things. It can be tempting to buy drawer dividers or trays to organize pens and scissors. But another route is to reuse cardboard iPhone or greeting card boxes. 'You don't have to go out and get expensive items,' Brown said. 'Let's find what you already have in the house and use it instead.' Sunshine Girls Sunshine Girls Toronto Maple Leafs World World
