Marriage Diaries: I've moved on from my wife... but my manhood hasn't
Last year, I left my wife after 20 years of marriage. Our younger child had finished her first year of university and I felt it was a suitable time to end things. I wasn't happy in the relationship, I felt trapped by responsibility, that my life was a constant circuit of providing for people, doing errands, driving miles and having nothing left for myself.
My wife was very upset – she liked things the way they were, but I simply couldn't see a future with her – I wanted more from life. Sex with my wife was great, and unlike a lot of married couples in our early 50s, we made love regularly. But that wasn't enough to keep me in the marriage, so I left and moved from the Home Counties into a friend's flat in east London, a vibrant neighbourhood that I love.
Early on in our marriage, I had an affair which lasted about a year. The sex was great with that woman too. I never had trouble 'performing', either with her or with my wife. I will freely admit that I am not the most well-endowed man, but I always thought the positive of that was it is easier to get and maintain an erection than it is for a man with more generously sized genitals. I have never had any complaints from the women I have slept with.
Recently I decided it was time to get back in the sexual saddle. I was invited to a big party in central London and treated myself to a hotel room, with the intention of picking someone up and losing my 'divorce virginity'. I met a 50-year-old woman I had known vaguely during the early years of my marriage. There was a strong attraction there, so I brought her back to my room.
We undressed and kissed passionately – I was really enjoying the fact she was physically quite different to my wife, it felt exciting. But my penis refused to cooperate, despite the anticipation and excitement of discovering a new body, it remained lifeless and limp. We tried everything, the woman was very attentive, but nothing seemed to work. It was so frustrating. I told her it was entirely my problem, which was true, and that I found her attractive. She was sympathetic, but I worry that she might think it was actually her fault.
This has never happened to me before. I was even careful to limit alcohol as I wanted my first sexual encounter as a free man to be impressive. Instead, it was a disaster. Since the separation, I have had sex with my wife a few times, and it has been, if anything, better than when we were together, so I know that I can have sex, I just wasn't able to perform this time.
I don't want to take Viagra, as it feels like failing. I know a lot of men do take it – I mean, erectile dysfunction is a billion-dollar industry, I get it – but it's just not me. I have never struggled with this before. I don't understand it. I have always been extremely confident around women, I am in the best shape of my life, and I don't have all the constraints and worries I had with a young family.
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