So frustrating: the biscuit that doesn't do what it says
'I asked for a sandwich with stale, hard bread and some cheese past its sell-by date,' said Ian.
'Don't be silly,' replied the serving chap, 'we don't purvey anything like that.'
'Well,' said Ian, 'you sold me one like that yesterday.'
Picture this
History buff Martin Forsyth told a mate in the pub that the Bayeux Tapestry, depicting the Battle of Hastings, is arriving in Blighty.
'So we're shipping an overlong comic strip to the UK,' shrugged the mate. 'Big deal.'
Driven to distraction
A chum of Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie owns a classic car of which he's exceedingly proud.
Malcolm inquired if it was expensive to maintain.
'Not in the way you'd think,' replied the chum.
He explained that car servicing was no more than average, but it was the unexpected extras that cost more.
For example, he continued, his wife would say she needed a new handbag or coat.
'Your wardrobe's full of handbags and coats,' he'd reply, leading his wife to triumphantly retort: "Well, if you can drive a Bentley…"
New balls, please
We continue listing the clunky clichés that make Wimbledon tennis so predictable.
Eddy Cavin explains that the following will happen, at least once…
The Duke of Kent will present trophies as usual, though the papers will hope the fragrant Kate will be there instead.
During a lull in play TV cameras scan the crowd for celebs / someone in a novelty hat / someone sleeping… or, if all else fails, an attractive female.
More cutting comments
A Diary yarn about haircuts reminds Robert Richardson of a caravan holiday in Arbroath.
This being Arbroath, it never stopped raining, and one day Robert's wife growled at hubby: 'You need a haircut.'
So off he scurried to the nearest snipetty-snip merchant, but, alas, it was busy.
Sadly lacking a focused goal, he sauntered to the harbour, studied the fishing boats, combed his hair, then returned to the caravan.
Robert's wife scrutinised the top of hubby's head then uttered the immortal words: 'That's much better.'
'She's still reminded of this comment to this day,' chuckles Robert.
Seeing red
'I was going to donate blood, says kindly reader Jamie Hooper, 'but they ask way too many personal questions, including 'Whose blood is this?' and 'Why's it in a bucket?''
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Times
2 hours ago
- Times
Stephen Bacon obituary: media lawyer for national newspapers
Burning the midnight oil as he scrutinised the next day's newspaper for defamation and contempt gave Stephen Bacon a thriving career in media law. Much of it was spent with Express Newspapers, including the Daily and Sunday Express titles and the Daily Star whose editors were renowned for pushing the legal limits. From time to time he appeared in court apologising for the misdemeanours of his client paper and disclosing a financial settlement to the judge. In 1989 the cricketer Ian Botham heard Bacon withdraw the Daily Star's libellous claim that he had been involved in a pub brawl, while in 2007 Danielle Lloyd, a former Miss Great Britain, donated her damages to charity after he apologised for allegations that she had been intimate with a nightclub DJ. On one occasion he apologised to Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman after what started as a laudatory newspaper feature was mistakenly leavened by the inclusion of unsubstantiated rumours. Cruise attended the hearing and afterwards they spoke directly, with Bacon expressing his sorrow that things had gone awry. 'I believe he genuinely accepted this and I came away thinking what a thoroughly nice person he was,' Bacon said. He once came face to face with Ian Brady, the Moors murderer, who was pursuing the Sunday Express over a story alleging that he had tried to force himself on a female visitor. For security reasons the hearing took place at Ashworth Hospital, Liverpool, though Bacon had to explain firmly to his insistent editor that he would be in contempt of court by surreptitiously taking a picture of Brady for the paper. Among the cases that gave Bacon the most pleasure was the one in which Lord Archer of Weston-super-Mare was ordered to repay a £500,000 libel settlement from 15 years earlier, having been jailed in 2001 for perverting the course of justice. Afterwards he gave a satisfied interview to Legal Director magazine under the headline 'The long wait for justice'. Despite being a man of forthright opinions, Bacon had a great affection for journalists even though they constantly solicited free legal advice or requested his signature on passport photographs. 'I was usually told that I would be bought a drink by way of thanks; such drinks almost never materialised.' However, there were also surreal occasions. When the Coronation Street storyline included the arrest of Deirdre Rachid (later Barlow) for murder, the Daily Star took up the character's cause under the banner 'Free the Weatherfield One' and Bacon was required to write a legal opinion under the headline 'Our legal eagles will fight for her'. Stephen Francis Theodore Bacon was born in Oldham in 1945, the only child of Dr Frank Bacon, a theologian, and Cecila (née Pursglove), who became headmistress of a Manchester comprehensive school. As a boarder at the Perse School, Cambridge, he excelled at cross-country running but never learnt to swim. He read law at King's College, London, where his degree included an element of theology that he later used in debates with the local vicar. He was called to the Bar 'one balmy summer's evening' in 1969, a few minutes before Brenda Hale. Both joined the Northern Circuit as pupil barristers in Manchester, though she became president of the Supreme Court while 'after some ten years as a general common lawyer' he 'ended up in the rough and tumble of being 'the lawyer' at national newspapers'. Bacon's connection with the Daily Express began in 1971 as an occasional night lawyer in the paper's Manchester office, checking stories before they went to press. Winnie Johnson, whose son Keith Bennett was murdered by Brady and Myra Hindley, worked in the paper's canteen and 'always kept Daily Express journalists up to date in any developments [and] also made a very good sausage barm cake'. In 1973 he married Susan Johnson. He is survived by their son Nicholas, who has served in uniform. Their daughter, Hannah, died in 2009, aged 29. The marriage was dissolved and in 2001 he married Felicity Quant, a journalist whom he met at the Express offices. She survives him with their daughter Clio, who is studying law. Bacon formally joined Express Newspapers as an in-house lawyer in 1978, shortly after it launched the Daily Star as a red-top rival to The Sun. In the mid-1980s he moved to the company's London offices, having previously provided holiday cover there. New owners and policies at the turn of the century brought fewer high-risk stories, though a steady flow of complaints remained, notably about the titles' coverage of the disappearance of Madeleine McCann in May 2007. 'In this case sales increased with each new twist to the story. Not a bad thing, until a legal problem arises,' he wrote. Again it fell to him to clear up the mess, draft an apology and negotiate a financial settlement. 'Forcibly retired', as he put it, in 2011, he took locum work at The Times, Sunday Times and The Sun. Despite living for many years in Kent, he retained a taste for northern cuisine, including pork pies and chips fried in beef dripping. He was a fine cook, often threatening to enter MasterChef, and had a wide range of interests including steam and model railways, horse racing at Sandown and following the fortunes of Lancashire county cricket club. After more than 50 years spent offering advice to editors and journalists, Bacon was well placed to observe how media law has developed, especially in relation to privacy. 'The law was comparatively straightforward when in the 1980s the Daily Star was censured by the Press Council, a predecessor of Ipso, [for publishing] a photo of Princess Diana taken from an adjacent Caribbean island with a long lens,' he wrote in a letter to The Times in 2023. However, he concluded with a note of caution: 'Today the law of privacy is far more complex, uncertain and strict.' Stephen Bacon, media lawyer, was born on September 3, 1945. He died from prostate cancer on July 13, 2025, aged 79
Daily Mail
a day ago
- Daily Mail
Jason Manford is sweetly supported by his parents as they sit by his hospital bedside after surgery - as he recovers after show cancellations
Jason Manford was sweetly supported by his parents as they sat by his bedside after he underwent surgery. The comedian, 44, has spent the weekend recovering in hospital after he was forced to cancel four shows due to undergoing appendix surgery. He gave fans an update on Saturday as he took to Instagram to share a sweet photograph of his parents Sharon and Ian paying him a visit in hospital. 'Mum & dad come to look after me for the night! Rest of the family away and they didn't want by myself,' he wrote in a caption. 'Always their baby no matter how old ya get!' He was greeted with kind comments from his celebrity friends, who wished him a speedy recovery. Emmerdale's Adam Thomas shared: 'This is cute get better soon sir x.' While Corrie star Catherine Tyldesley added: 'Love that. God bless them x.' Jason was rushed to hospital over the weekend after developing appendicitis - which is when the organ swells, causing severe pain and in most cases, surgeons remove the appendix. He was due to take to stage for his A Manford All Seasons tour in Hertfordshire on Thursday before it was announced he was 'too unwell', with the star going on to cancel a further three shows while he recovers. Following his surgery, Jason took to Instagram in the early hours of Saturday morning to share a smiley snap of himself as enjoyed a 'cheeky midnight snack' of pepperoni and pineapple pizza. The TV personality, who was seen with a cannula in his arm, looked in good spirits as he posed in front of the pizza before sharing other images of the Italian dish. John Bishop stepped in to replace Jason at the Kendal Calling festival on Sunday, with the Liverpudlian comedian, 58, uploading a humorous announcement video that was shared to Jason's page. Speaking to the camera, John said: 'The one that can't be cancelled is Kendal Calling on Sunday afternoon. So he's asked me if I'm free and I am, so I'm going to step up and fill Jason's boots.' Jason underwent surgery following a 'scary' 24 hours, revealing he first came down with symptoms while driving at 70mph down the motorway. He shared on Instagram: 'Appendix surgery all went well, now in recovery with my Vimto, they serve it in all Manchester hospitals. 'Bit of a scary & extremely painful 24 hours but thankful to our NHS & my incredible nurse mum who's a godsend in a health crisis! 'My advice would be to not get Appendicitis whilst driving at 70mph on the motorway!' Jason shared his disappointment about not being able to make his upcoming shows and thanked fans for their support. 'Seriously though, I'm gutted that I've had to move the dates this weekend, and I'm sorry for the late notice to so many people in St Albans, Oxford, Lincoln, Skegness & at Kendall Calling,' he added. 'I thought I could get by on antibiotics and surgery at a later date so I could still do the shows, but was advised not to. 'Also means I can't fly out to Portugal on Monday to join my family on holiday! Ah well, such is life. Thanks for all the ''Get Well Soon'' messages.' Sharing a health update on Instagram on Friday, Jason penned: 'Appendix surgery all went well, now in recovery with my Vimto, they serve it in all Manchester hospitals' Earlier on Thursday, it was confirmed that Jason would not be performing in Hertfordshire due to ill health. An initial post read: 'We regret to inform you that tonight's performance of A Manford All Seasons @albanarena has been unexpectedly cancelled due to Jason Manford being unwell and will now be rescheduled to Mon 20th Oct 2025. 'Thank you for understanding, we apologise for any inconvenience caused.' In another statement shared to X, a further three shows in Oxford, Lincoln and Skegness were also scrapped and rescheduled for later this year and early 2026. 'We regret to inform you that the following performances of A Manford All Seasons have been unexpectedly cancelled due to Jason Manford being unwell,' it added. 'Oxford, New Theatre. Lincoln, The Engine Shed. Skegness, Embassy Hall. We apologise for any inconvenience caused.' WHAT IS APPENDICITIS? Appendicitis is a swelling of the appendix, a two to four-inch-long organ connected to the large intestine. Appendicitis can cause severe pain and it's important for it to be treated swiftly in case the appendix bursts, which can cause life-threatening illness. In most cases surgeons will remove the appendix in an appendectomy – scientists aren't sure why people need an appendix but removing it does not harm people. The causes of appendicitis aren't clear but it is thought to be caused by something blocking the entrance to the organ. Symptoms include pain in the stomach which later travels to your lower right-hand-side and becomes severe. Pressing on this area, coughing, or walking can all make the pain worse, and other symptoms can be nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, diarrhoea and a fever.
Telegraph
2 days ago
- Telegraph
Bayeux Tapestry at risk of ‘falling apart' during move to Britain
The Bayeux Tapestry is at risk of falling apart during its move to the UK, experts have warned. The 220ft-long depiction of the Norman Conquest of England in 1066 will come to the British Museum in September next year as part of a loan deal struck between Sir Keir Starmer and Emmanuel Macron, the French president. In exchange for the tapestry, Anglo-Saxon treasures of the Sutton Hoo ship burial and the 12th-century Lewis chessmen will go to France. It marks the Bayeux Tapestry's first return to the UK in more than 900 years. The tapestry is thought to have been created in Britain, commissioned by Bishop Odo of Bayeux, William the Conqueror's half-brother. However, experts have warned that even removing the object from its display case puts it at risk, and have called for the loan to be cancelled because of the risks involved. Michael Daley, the director of conservation watchdog ArtWatch UK, told The Telegraph: 'What's particularly concerning about moving works of art about is that they are so intrinsically vulnerable and susceptible to injuries caused by any number of possible or likely mishaps – knocks, vibrations, being dropped, fluctuations of temperature and humidity and so forth – and even of being lost altogether when sent by water or air.' John Larson, a former head of conservation at the National Museums and Galleries on Merseyside, warned that the risks of moving such an historic object were serious. Referring to his ground-breaking work in using laser scanning to record and replicate artworks, he said: 'One of the reasons I got into making copies of artworks was so they wouldn't have to travel. 'You can more or less copy anything now, even textiles… Of course, you've got all the packaging people telling you, 'don't worry'. But things do get damaged. You wouldn't get the French loaning the Mona Lisa.' David Bates, an emeritus professor in mediaeval history at the University of East Anglia and co-author of the 2019 book The Bayeux Tapestry, said: 'I am very worried. I've always assumed, until this announcement was suddenly made, that it would be too fragile to travel. 'Its safety is the paramount consideration. If there's any serious doubt that it's not safe for it to travel, then the loan shouldn't take place.' Selby Whittingham, a former curator of Manchester City Art Gallery, added that moving such a large and fragile work 'must put a strain' on it. Adam Prideaux, a leading art insurance broker, said of the Bayeux loan: 'Maybe the value of joining two nations together for a moment actually outweighs some perhaps minor damage to the work? 'I don't doubt that, when it's in the British Museum, it will be the most popular exhibition ever. But it would be very interesting to know what government indemnity is doing about this, as the value will be considerable. Is government indemnity happy to take this on?' The Bayeux Tapestry is housed in the Bayeux Museum in Normandy, which will close for a two-year renovation from September. However, the French journal, La Tribune de l'Art, reports that various French experts are denouncing the loan of 'an object of absolute fragility', saying: 'It's a monumental idiocy to send it to England.' They fear moving it will worsen the fragility of its extremely thin linen with tears, potentially causing threads to snap. But others have dismissed the concerns. Julian Spalding, a former director of galleries in Glasgow, Sheffield and Manchester, said: 'Conservators emphasise the fragility of an object because that's their business. It's perfectly possible to move an object like this. You can anticipate risks in the way you pack it.' Simon Franses, of the Franses Archive in London, an academic resource on European tapestries, figurative textiles and carpets, also played down the risks. 'There'll be no loss of the embroidery if this is rolled carefully,' he said. 'It is clearly fragile and very important, but this is an opportunity for it to be seen by a much wider audience.' In a statement, the British Museum said: 'The British Museum has a world leading conservation and collections management team who are highly skilled and experienced at handling and caring for this type of material. They will work closely with colleagues in France to ensure the Tapestry's safety.' The Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) said: 'This loan is a symbol of our shared history with our friends in France.'
