Asking Eric: Advice for visiting grandma with dementia
Her mother takes charge and makes plans for every holiday unless she's traveling. And we are never invited, despite our invites to them whenever we've squeezed in some plans.
My son knows how we feel, agrees, but begs us not to say anything because they are so touchy. We don't want to cause trouble for him, but it is getting pretty hard to remain silent. Thoughts?
– Uninvited
Dear Uninvited: I really wish your son would say something to his in-laws about this. I understand that no one is under any obligation to invite anyone else into their home and that this 'touchy' relationship with his wife's family likely has other pain points. But you need an advocate here and it's (relatively) easier for him to stand up for you than for you to insert yourself.
Short of that, however, you might want to have a conversation with your son and daughter-in-law about sharing holidays. The intention isn't to incite a turf war with your daughter-in-law's parents. Rather, by saying, 'I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year and I'd like for you to come' (or Fourth of July or Arbor Day, whatever the case may be), you start to rebalance the scales.
The in-law's wants and plans don't have to be the default. By asking for what you want (or a version of what you want), you'll also be giving your son and daughter-in-law the chance to exercise their own autonomy. Maybe they don't want to automatically go to her parents' every year. Splitting family holidays can get complicated, but it's important to remember the ultimate goal is quality time together, in whichever configuration works best.
Dear Eric: I'm a sophomore in high school and I read your column in the Seattle Times. My grandma has dementia. Over the past year, we've noticed more and more signs and convinced her to move into a nursing home a few months ago because we can't provide the constant care she needs.
She's at a more advanced stage now and can't walk or feed herself, and she forgets who we are sometimes, which is hard for all of us. I love her so, so much and she was such a big part of my life, but now I can barely get through visits without breaking down.
I hate seeing her like this and I'm finding myself avoiding visits because I can't face seeing her in a wheelchair and being so confused. She doesn't have a lot of time left and I don't want to regret not seeing her more, but I don't know how to get through the visits. I feel so guilty, but I don't feel brave enough to go. Is there anything I can do?
– Loving Granddaughter
Dear Granddaughter: The grief we feel when a loved one develops dementia can be incredibly complex. I'm so sorry for what your grandmother is going through and what you're experiencing. Right now, you're likely grieving the aspect of the relationship you've lost, as well as what's going on in the present. You may also be feeling some grief about what's to come. That's a lot – past, present and future all coming together in every visit to the nursing home. So, please try to grant yourself some grace. This is hard and sometimes bravery looks different.
Regret about not spending more time with a loved one, or not spending the right kind of time, is complicated, too. It's something we can rarely control, but which we can guide in a different direction. Before you visit your grandmother, remind yourself that if your grandmother doesn't remember you, that's not the full truth of your relationship. Pull up photos or videos that bring to mind times that felt happier for you. This phase is a part of her journey – and your shared journey together – but it's not the whole story.
When a loved one is nearing the end of their life, we can sometimes develop an 'all or nothing' feeling. As if the way we respond is the only thing that's going to matter or the only thing we'll remember. That's not true, but it takes work to reinforce that internally.
This is a time for you to communicate where you are and what you're feeling with your parents and other loved ones. You can also reach out to a counselor at your school, if one is available, or look up dementia or grief support groups online. You'll find that you're not alone and you don't have to navigate this on your own. Take the time you need, be gentle with yourself, and hold on to the full arc of your grandmother's story.
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